(no subject)
I miss my best friend so much that it's killing me inside and out. I cant live with James and I cant live without him. I convinced him to get back together with me while he was in jail last time - for what I put him in there for. I stressed to him how bad I need him, that no other guy ever compares to him, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep him in my life. I cant live without him. Ever since he left me again, I've put on 30 lbs, have no motivation to do anything, go through bouts of abusing random drugs, I cant take him not being in my life. The drugs hes on, and swears on his life that he isnt, has really changed him this time. I need him. And for the first time since I met him, he doesnt need me. After I said no to letting him borrow money, he cut me out of his life, wont answer my calls or texts, this is the first time Ive ever had to go more than a couple days at a time without talking to him. He knows how attached I am to him and how I just need his presence in my life. I'm going crazy, and honestly dont know where I'm going to end up if he keeps doing this to me. Either a loony bin, or prison, and it will be soon, because I need him so much it is killing m,y very being, killing my spirit, killing any desire to be apart of society, to even leave my bed, leave my house, do anything but get high and try to forget that hes gone forever. I would do anything, anything, just to have him answer my phone calls. To tell me everything is going to be okay, that he will always be here for me like he has always promised, that I will always be #1 in his life whether or not he has a girlfriend. He even exiled his sister, his only blood, for her taking my side. All I can do is think about him, what hes doing, where he could be, whether he thinks about me, whether he misses me. All I think of is where he could be, what he could be doing, or what he could be thinking of 24/7. He consumes me, so much more so when he;s gone. He is gone, and there is nothing I can do to make him just listen to me, just be in my life, just be the one steady support that Ive always been able to count on. The one person I could always call when I'm upset, when I get my heart broken, when I'm lonely, when I'm feeling unmotivated. He is the only person in this world that I could always call and I would always feel better after talking to him. He is like my drug, that I just cant get anymore no matter how hard I try to find it. This may be the last time I post something, anything, I just want to die without him, I am so afraid of death and have always said I would never commit suicide, but I just want to either hang myself, or take enough xanax to sleep forever, because not having him in my life, is just not worth living. He was the only sunshine in the cloudy, horrible, fucked up world my life is.