(no subject)
Finally went back and read all my old entries 10 years and back. Wow.
Today I can finally say, besides weed, I am drug and alcohol free. I stopped selling my body on November 29 when I got my DUI. I went back to tricking twice since then because I was on crack benders, trying to get over my boyfriend that cheated on me, made up a whole story so that he wouldn't have to just admit the truth. I was getting guys on craigslist, stopped for awhile, then went back to both that and my old agency. But in the past few years, I've put on so much weight, agencies won't take me anymore. I've come to embrace it, I feel as though I subconsciously, purposely put the weight on so I wouldn't be able to sell my pussy anymore, and start loving myself. I'm still not at the point of loving myself, but I have such severe PTSD that I cry randomly for no reason, including right now. Anytime any guy tries to get with me I shut them out and ignore them. My quitting tricking has led to bumps in the road of course, including Noel or Geechi. Lots of self abusing scenarios, because of course I wouldn't be me without that.
I'm finally starting to see the light on a lot of aspects of life. I'm finally realizing that I have literally spent the past 10 years self destructing, getting high, over and over again. Never making anything of myself or having anything to show for it. I just... I am a very strong person. But I guess I am just not strong enough to push myself to make real moves in life, also kind of because I need to smoke weed to ease my constant anxiety and depression thinking of my past, and I get lazy always being high. I've settled into this dead end, nowhere, part-time job paying $9 an hour. I take my $200 a week and don't save a fucking cent. I've kind of become too comfortable, I'm getting old, but I feel like I have just accomplished so much by getting out of the game, finally completely.
I have my autistic brother to worry about. My mom is not gonna be around forever, and I want to be financially stable enough to be able to afford my own fucking place, have a life, have him be able to live at home with me. I just want to get it together and be a self supporting person and have my own place and be able to drive and just live. I just can't believe how bad I've fucked it up for myself. I have tattoos on my hands I can't hide that hinder me from finding a good job, that combined with the fact that I lost my license until further notice? I am so pathetic and depend on my mom for my life. I have so much more to say, but I want to go smoke some weed now and cheer up. I will write more later tonight or tomorrow when I get emotional again.
Today I can finally say, besides weed, I am drug and alcohol free. I stopped selling my body on November 29 when I got my DUI. I went back to tricking twice since then because I was on crack benders, trying to get over my boyfriend that cheated on me, made up a whole story so that he wouldn't have to just admit the truth. I was getting guys on craigslist, stopped for awhile, then went back to both that and my old agency. But in the past few years, I've put on so much weight, agencies won't take me anymore. I've come to embrace it, I feel as though I subconsciously, purposely put the weight on so I wouldn't be able to sell my pussy anymore, and start loving myself. I'm still not at the point of loving myself, but I have such severe PTSD that I cry randomly for no reason, including right now. Anytime any guy tries to get with me I shut them out and ignore them. My quitting tricking has led to bumps in the road of course, including Noel or Geechi. Lots of self abusing scenarios, because of course I wouldn't be me without that.
I'm finally starting to see the light on a lot of aspects of life. I'm finally realizing that I have literally spent the past 10 years self destructing, getting high, over and over again. Never making anything of myself or having anything to show for it. I just... I am a very strong person. But I guess I am just not strong enough to push myself to make real moves in life, also kind of because I need to smoke weed to ease my constant anxiety and depression thinking of my past, and I get lazy always being high. I've settled into this dead end, nowhere, part-time job paying $9 an hour. I take my $200 a week and don't save a fucking cent. I've kind of become too comfortable, I'm getting old, but I feel like I have just accomplished so much by getting out of the game, finally completely.
I have my autistic brother to worry about. My mom is not gonna be around forever, and I want to be financially stable enough to be able to afford my own fucking place, have a life, have him be able to live at home with me. I just want to get it together and be a self supporting person and have my own place and be able to drive and just live. I just can't believe how bad I've fucked it up for myself. I have tattoos on my hands I can't hide that hinder me from finding a good job, that combined with the fact that I lost my license until further notice? I am so pathetic and depend on my mom for my life. I have so much more to say, but I want to go smoke some weed now and cheer up. I will write more later tonight or tomorrow when I get emotional again.