i feel hot. that stinging liquid makes me sweat.
usually i somewhat rehearse or at least think about what i want to write before i write it. not this time. i've had lots on my mind lately. nothing that some other person hasn't been baffled by before. nothing that hasn't kept most unhappy teens awake at night. stirring. restless. uncomfortable. i worry about myself and my well being. i worry that my actions have no logical reasoning behind them. it scares me. i've always been afraid of the unknown. of the dark; of the unplanned. i only think clearly when my mind is wandering, yet partially preoccupied by something else. when the television is on. when i'm on the verge of sleep but can't quite get there.
mostly i question love. so many people, so many possibilities. how is a single one the right one? who is the right one? why should it matter. i'm seventeen.
my heart yearns for companionship. for a mutual connection without anger or negativity. is it far-fetched?
i hate the superficiality of the physical relationship. i want to learn, to speak, to study and observe. i want to grow.
my dad and i were talking recently. i think him and andrew are the only men that i feel close to all of the time. i know they're there for me. they know i'm there for them. it never wavers. it's stress free. it's serene. it's my ideal relationship, minus the freudian twists. it's what nurtures me and i'm forever thankful for them both. him and i were questioning the motives and personalities of people. we stood at my car and we communicated, back and forth, for an hour. forgetting the heat, the humidity. we only concentrated on the issues that frustrated us most. majorly, the unchangeable mind. the stubborn are always wrong. the attempted persuaders lose, inevitably. undeservingly so, no matter what their angle or how thick their persistance.
i'm cheap. i'm ugly. i'm fake. i dont want to hear any differently.
i have no self respect. the more time i spend building one body up, putting everything good into someone else, the more i realize that i'm idiotic for doing so. i leave myself only the worst parts to reflect upon. the others go to someone who doesn't deserve them-- and i can't stop. it's true what they say. it's cliche. when you lose all feeling and you're so confused and you have no stability in your life, you crave things that will make it better. even if only temporarily. a hug from the root of all evils. a drug that will bring you sleep. a drink that will burn your throat and soothe your soul.
he's my safety net that i'm suffering in.
he only likes me when i'm silent.
mostly i question love. so many people, so many possibilities. how is a single one the right one? who is the right one? why should it matter. i'm seventeen.
my heart yearns for companionship. for a mutual connection without anger or negativity. is it far-fetched?
i hate the superficiality of the physical relationship. i want to learn, to speak, to study and observe. i want to grow.
my dad and i were talking recently. i think him and andrew are the only men that i feel close to all of the time. i know they're there for me. they know i'm there for them. it never wavers. it's stress free. it's serene. it's my ideal relationship, minus the freudian twists. it's what nurtures me and i'm forever thankful for them both. him and i were questioning the motives and personalities of people. we stood at my car and we communicated, back and forth, for an hour. forgetting the heat, the humidity. we only concentrated on the issues that frustrated us most. majorly, the unchangeable mind. the stubborn are always wrong. the attempted persuaders lose, inevitably. undeservingly so, no matter what their angle or how thick their persistance.
i'm cheap. i'm ugly. i'm fake. i dont want to hear any differently.
i have no self respect. the more time i spend building one body up, putting everything good into someone else, the more i realize that i'm idiotic for doing so. i leave myself only the worst parts to reflect upon. the others go to someone who doesn't deserve them-- and i can't stop. it's true what they say. it's cliche. when you lose all feeling and you're so confused and you have no stability in your life, you crave things that will make it better. even if only temporarily. a hug from the root of all evils. a drug that will bring you sleep. a drink that will burn your throat and soothe your soul.
he's my safety net that i'm suffering in.
he only likes me when i'm silent.