"I've been down this road so many times it's got my foot prints still in a line..."
So, I've been really stressed lately and it finally went too far and I couldn't handle it. Braeden and I were talking and Comet and Pebbles came up and I got waaay too upset and just lost it.
I cried...
I do not cry.
I just couldn't handle it...
I've decided not to take Comet and Pebbles. I'm going to call them and tell them - but that is the hardest part. I hate having to call them and tell them that I don't want the horses because Andrea (this woman's daughter) fucking lied to me in every way about them. It's just hard... I don't like to do this kind of stuff. And Karin won't help me, so it's even worse. First she told me to try and keep them for another few months so all the cousin-kiddos can ride them, but I don't trust the horses so I said no - now she is on my ass to get rid of them ASAP and all that jazz... It's frustrating. I've asked her for help (another think I hate to do) and she won't - she's awful about it, too.
And the Leadership Camp jazz is Monday, for three days. I want to go, and I know I'll regret it if I don't - but part of me still doesn't want to. Heather doesn't think she can go, so I don't know who I'll talk to since Andrea will be there and I'll be upset with her and irritated and all that jazz.
I just... I wish that Andrea would have told me the fucking truth from the beginning. Had she just told me, straight-up, "I don't know shit about these horses because I'm a fat lazy bitch who never does anything and I'm spoiled enough to get away with it" (or that she just had no idea what she was talking about) I would have been able to anticipate how much work, money and time was going to have to go into this. Because she fucking lied and gave me all this false hope then my calculations on all this were wrong - and I'm finding out new and worse things about them. This is so not okay. And now I'm starting to doubt that they were on their way to the Meat Market - I think she just said that because she knew it would strike a nerve and I'd immediatly go to take them... This upsets me so much I can't even begin to describe it. I just don't trust the horses now, and i don't trust Andrea. It's not worth my time to take on this kind of bullshit after being lied to - especially since I have my own horses who need my attention and who are willing and trained to do what I ask and need. You know?...
I still feel bad, though. I feel that if they do go to the market than it's my fault. But... it's not, is it? I just feel like I failed on something that I love. Horses are my life - I love them. Every aspect of my life revolves around my animals and what I do with them. That's why this offends and upsets me so much that she would do this. This is something I care about - this is something extremely important to me, it's not something I take lightly. It hurts a lot to have this kind of bullshit happen, and it makes me lose more faith in the kind of people who are around me. It's just really frustrating. It's like someone took my career and passion and made a mockery of it. It not only makes me angry it upset me enough to this point...
I felt so sick about it this morning I threw up... I hate having this stupid anxiety bullshit. What a waste this all is. My dad tried to make me feel better about it by assuring me it's not my job, but... isn't it, though? I devote myself to horses because I love them and it's what I want to be doing with my life - if this isn't my job then who's is it? But is it really my job to spend so much time on horses that aren't really mind when I have my truly loyal ones?
It's just so...
Ugh...
I can't even describe how upset I am. I just hope it makes some sense.
I'm afraid if I go to this Leadership thing and Andrea says anything about it I'll go homicidal and beat the hell out of her. She may out weigh me and be all-around larger than I am, but she's a sissy - it's obvious. She may pull her white-trash mud wrestling with her friends, but that's bullshit. If she and I got into a real fight I'd have her bloodied, beaten and on the ground in two minutes, tops. But, I don't want jail time on something this stupid... I'm sure of my abilities to control myself - but sometimes I worry...
I kind of hope Heather goes, and I wanted to talk to her about it to see if she had Summer School for those three days, but I don't want to feel like I'm trying to push her to go. I may not go if she doesn't, but Braeden said some junk about having to since I was Vice President... I am so frustrated...
Goddamnit.
Quote: " You are so incredible." - Greg (that's quite sweet of him...)
♥
I cried...
I do not cry.
I just couldn't handle it...
I've decided not to take Comet and Pebbles. I'm going to call them and tell them - but that is the hardest part. I hate having to call them and tell them that I don't want the horses because Andrea (this woman's daughter) fucking lied to me in every way about them. It's just hard... I don't like to do this kind of stuff. And Karin won't help me, so it's even worse. First she told me to try and keep them for another few months so all the cousin-kiddos can ride them, but I don't trust the horses so I said no - now she is on my ass to get rid of them ASAP and all that jazz... It's frustrating. I've asked her for help (another think I hate to do) and she won't - she's awful about it, too.
And the Leadership Camp jazz is Monday, for three days. I want to go, and I know I'll regret it if I don't - but part of me still doesn't want to. Heather doesn't think she can go, so I don't know who I'll talk to since Andrea will be there and I'll be upset with her and irritated and all that jazz.
I just... I wish that Andrea would have told me the fucking truth from the beginning. Had she just told me, straight-up, "I don't know shit about these horses because I'm a fat lazy bitch who never does anything and I'm spoiled enough to get away with it" (or that she just had no idea what she was talking about) I would have been able to anticipate how much work, money and time was going to have to go into this. Because she fucking lied and gave me all this false hope then my calculations on all this were wrong - and I'm finding out new and worse things about them. This is so not okay. And now I'm starting to doubt that they were on their way to the Meat Market - I think she just said that because she knew it would strike a nerve and I'd immediatly go to take them... This upsets me so much I can't even begin to describe it. I just don't trust the horses now, and i don't trust Andrea. It's not worth my time to take on this kind of bullshit after being lied to - especially since I have my own horses who need my attention and who are willing and trained to do what I ask and need. You know?...
I still feel bad, though. I feel that if they do go to the market than it's my fault. But... it's not, is it? I just feel like I failed on something that I love. Horses are my life - I love them. Every aspect of my life revolves around my animals and what I do with them. That's why this offends and upsets me so much that she would do this. This is something I care about - this is something extremely important to me, it's not something I take lightly. It hurts a lot to have this kind of bullshit happen, and it makes me lose more faith in the kind of people who are around me. It's just really frustrating. It's like someone took my career and passion and made a mockery of it. It not only makes me angry it upset me enough to this point...
I felt so sick about it this morning I threw up... I hate having this stupid anxiety bullshit. What a waste this all is. My dad tried to make me feel better about it by assuring me it's not my job, but... isn't it, though? I devote myself to horses because I love them and it's what I want to be doing with my life - if this isn't my job then who's is it? But is it really my job to spend so much time on horses that aren't really mind when I have my truly loyal ones?
It's just so...
Ugh...
I can't even describe how upset I am. I just hope it makes some sense.
I'm afraid if I go to this Leadership thing and Andrea says anything about it I'll go homicidal and beat the hell out of her. She may out weigh me and be all-around larger than I am, but she's a sissy - it's obvious. She may pull her white-trash mud wrestling with her friends, but that's bullshit. If she and I got into a real fight I'd have her bloodied, beaten and on the ground in two minutes, tops. But, I don't want jail time on something this stupid... I'm sure of my abilities to control myself - but sometimes I worry...
I kind of hope Heather goes, and I wanted to talk to her about it to see if she had Summer School for those three days, but I don't want to feel like I'm trying to push her to go. I may not go if she doesn't, but Braeden said some junk about having to since I was Vice President... I am so frustrated...
Goddamnit.
Quote: " You are so incredible." - Greg (that's quite sweet of him...)
♥