(no subject)
first
if you only want to read about my happiness and see pretty picahtures, skip to the lj-cut. otherwise, well yeah.
i'm dead. or i may aswell be. i feel like i am. emotionally numb. physically in immense pain from this stupid virus-y thing. i want it to go away. i cried too much today. i cry too much everyday. when dad found out i stayed home today he came into my room and started abusing the fuck out of me. mother dear won't even look at me or say a word to me and i don't even know what i fucking did. i'm sick so she's punishing me? she's blaming me, saying i brought it on myself. she always says that. if i'm ill of course its my fault and only my fault, and it could of course have been helped if i was less of a fuck up. yeah. real likely. its easier for her to say "oh its just the anxiety, you're letting it win, you brought this on yourself, its your own fault, wah wah bitch bitch moan moan" then to give me sympathy or accept that hey, maybe i've just got a fucking virus. anyway. for most of the day i was "asleep" but not really, more just, out of it. staring at my ceiling wishing i was asleep, daydreaming. i don't know what happened but at one stage i was crying in the corner of my room and the phone rang and i answered and it was debbie and next thing i remember i was laying in chris' room listening to the song he wrote. and i fainted at one stage, probably because i hadn't eaten but i'd been vomiting up nothing all day. i don't want to go to school tomorrow, i mean i never do, but tomorrow i think it will be worse than normal. i don't know if i can really cope with anything anymore. i don't want to see people. i don't want to have to listen to other people complain about how crap they feel, but i don't want to watch/listen to them be happy either. i just, don't want to be anywhere near anyone. but i do. i don't want to seclude myself and not see anyone but then i don't want to see anyone. well, yes i do, but not anyone that i actually will see. oh. wait. libby, i want to see libby, i haven't seen libby in over a week. but anyone else... gah. i just. i'm dead. or i may aswell be.
in july i'll be going to tahiti, and then on a cruise because my friend jess is a dancer on it and she's rad. i can't wait. its going to be insane amounts of awesome (apart from the whole sun thing). *jumps for joy* can you tell i'm excited? well i am. really. a lot. a lot a lot. :D
this is the ship i'll be going on;
and this is the rad Jessy &Co;
if you only want to read about my happiness and see pretty picahtures, skip to the lj-cut. otherwise, well yeah.
i'm dead. or i may aswell be. i feel like i am. emotionally numb. physically in immense pain from this stupid virus-y thing. i want it to go away. i cried too much today. i cry too much everyday. when dad found out i stayed home today he came into my room and started abusing the fuck out of me. mother dear won't even look at me or say a word to me and i don't even know what i fucking did. i'm sick so she's punishing me? she's blaming me, saying i brought it on myself. she always says that. if i'm ill of course its my fault and only my fault, and it could of course have been helped if i was less of a fuck up. yeah. real likely. its easier for her to say "oh its just the anxiety, you're letting it win, you brought this on yourself, its your own fault, wah wah bitch bitch moan moan" then to give me sympathy or accept that hey, maybe i've just got a fucking virus. anyway. for most of the day i was "asleep" but not really, more just, out of it. staring at my ceiling wishing i was asleep, daydreaming. i don't know what happened but at one stage i was crying in the corner of my room and the phone rang and i answered and it was debbie and next thing i remember i was laying in chris' room listening to the song he wrote. and i fainted at one stage, probably because i hadn't eaten but i'd been vomiting up nothing all day. i don't want to go to school tomorrow, i mean i never do, but tomorrow i think it will be worse than normal. i don't know if i can really cope with anything anymore. i don't want to see people. i don't want to have to listen to other people complain about how crap they feel, but i don't want to watch/listen to them be happy either. i just, don't want to be anywhere near anyone. but i do. i don't want to seclude myself and not see anyone but then i don't want to see anyone. well, yes i do, but not anyone that i actually will see. oh. wait. libby, i want to see libby, i haven't seen libby in over a week. but anyone else... gah. i just. i'm dead. or i may aswell be.
in july i'll be going to tahiti, and then on a cruise because my friend jess is a dancer on it and she's rad. i can't wait. its going to be insane amounts of awesome (apart from the whole sun thing). *jumps for joy* can you tell i'm excited? well i am. really. a lot. a lot a lot. :D
this is the ship i'll be going on;
and this is the rad Jessy &Co;