why?

[bloodwork25]

Today started fucking freat....woke up....got dressed...(was still at adriennes)....I curled adriennes hair for the tea party...a few people showed up...then we left all dressed up colonial style to her tea party/birthday party....got checked out by like 854235739873094 people! but that's all good...went to adriennes party waited for all to show up...and we had a blast....corsets are bitches to eat in! i tell ya!...WOoosh...then after the party...Adrienne, Jullie, Grant and i all walked back to adriennes dads house...then i checked in with father dearest..whom asked me if i was an achoholic becuase he found and empty bottle of Kulua (whatever teh fuck you spell it) and first off it was my brothers, i took it out of his car and put it in my bag...to save his ass! then when i called...my dad said he found it in my bag...and i still saved ym brothers ass i was like "it's not mine, and i willnot tell you whos' it is to save their ass...." and he kept trying to guess and i just kept saying "no"....blah blah blah...but it's all good now...and then I came to my dads house...and everything was going fucking dandy...then Ryan called just at 8:00 and told me i should've stayed downtown..beacause i would've been able to chill with him...and...yeah...i asked my dad if i could go see him and he was like "no" and iwas liek "Ill; call barrett for a ride home!1!" and he's like "No" so i started to cry. so i just hung up with him...before he could hear me...and i started to cry and sydneys like "what's wrong?" and i'm just like "i want to fucking see Ryan, i need to, i haven't seen him in so long...Thursday really didnt' count" then i was like "Fuck it" and my dad walked in and he was like "What?!" and iw as like "nothing i'm going to bed"...and he's like "It seems you get this way when you dont get your way," and blah blah blah, and i was just sobbing..i have a fucking puddle of tear on my pillow case....BUt then he came in and wanted to "talk" to me...-sigh-...so now he wants me to go to the fucking movies...with him....and sydney...to see Van Halen...WTF!...who the fuck brings their crying daughter to the movies..when she's miserable...and who's sister says "ask Ryan to go!?" HONESTLY!...-cries-...fucking pittiful! i DON'T want to be sober. i have NOTHING though..fucknig NOTHING...and tomorrow,...i have to clean...my bathroom for my mothers day present..and stop by a store for a present for my mother and Ryans mother deartest...-cries-..whom which i prolly won't get to say "happy mothers day" to...i hate guilty consiones...and i hate guilt trips...i hate anything that has to do with Guilt!....-screams in my own fucking head-....i hate:
1.meds
2.guilt
3.hate
4.war
5. anything else i have in my head on which i dont speak of...

i hate this feeling...of....sadness...and to everyone, Ryan apparently is the onlyone who can make me happy...and it makes them feel like shit...goddamnit!...yes he makes me happy...but...he's not the only one who can.."happiness" is a fucking mood....he makes me laugh, and smile and shit. but it still doesn't take what's on my mind, out of my mind...so to everyone STOP FUCKING GETTING UPSET BECAUSE HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO MAKES ME FUCKNIG HAPPY SO STOP GIVING ME A FUCKING GUILT TRIP OVER IT!....GOD DAMNIT!
i'm sick of the "what did i do" "what's wrong with you" "whats that on your arm" "you're a bitch" "fuck you" 'ho" "slut" "everything you do isnt "GOOD" enough!"
FUCKNIG KILL ME ALREADY IF I'M NOT FUCKING "PERFECT!"...-cries-

I hate myself...why? the fuck if i know?
am i being a bitch?
yes
and i being stupid
probably
am i getting anything out of this entry.
yes!...

ryan- i fucking love you, NOT seeing you kills me..."hopefully" i'll see you...and i swear to fucking GoD i'll go insane if i dont...not to make this sounds like i'm obsessed..just lonely...and dead...-cries- i love you...

what's wrong with me...what is to become of me....i'm just...rotting away...drifting away...dead....and...i dont know anymore..

"Happiness...cannot be controlled by anyone, but yourself...you can't do anything to stop the drama, daddy, i love you, but nothing you say or do will stop the drama"....