(no subject)

[bloodwork25]

TOday, went okayish...the beginnning of my day was very stressful...lots of tears were shed...-sigh-...but then i called Ryan first period from a cellphone in the bathroom, and things got better....so i went back to class...the fucking day went by WICKED fast...and i was like "i dont know what i'm going to do tonight" so origanilly i was going to just walk around aimlessly with Adam and Nate Kuiee...but i got online and Travis was like "GO TO BATTLE OF THE BANDS!" and he was like "i'll pay for nathan! get his ass there too!"...so i was already on the phone talknig back n' forth for travis and nathan....so i dragged him along with me. I knew he didn't wanna be there...he HATES...i mean HATES the music being played there...and quiet frankly..they weren't that good, but i still danced n' shit to the music (with a corset, and by the end of the night i was hyperventalating..and in the car i couldn't breath and the strings got tied...so nathan, even though he had NO idea what the fuck he was doing....tried to help, and he finally got it untied...and saved me?) but anywho...Before the dance ended, i walked out...like an hour before it ended...becasue i figured the clocks at school, were wrong again...but "I" was wrong...but, i grabbed nathan and dragged him out with me, and i was his cousin followed...now...this is going to be a sad story...but...everyone....Nathan is dieing....i'm NOT kidding....this isn't a scam....my ex-boyfriend, and friend...is fucking dying...all his hopes n' dreams are smashed because the fucking doctors all around don't know what the fuck is wrong with him, but all tehy know if he is going to die...they put him on heart medicine...so...i was talknig to adrienne and all of a sudden i see Nathan walk around the corner to be by himself...so i ran around to talk to him, and i was trying to get him to laugh n' shit...(which i did)..but...igrabbed his shirt and pulled him to sit with my on the picnic table outside the school....and we were talking and he was liek "i don't know, how the fuck, i'm going to be in a band if i cna't stand up for such a long time...if i dont' know when the fuck i'm going to die, why not end me life right now..." and all this other shit -cries-...so i pulled him near me and hugged him, and rubbed his back...and he actually sinked into it...his head fell onto my arm, and i couldn't stop holding him...it was the saddest thing...he wants to die...by shooting himself..and TRUST..me, he's prepared...It's not fair...this guy...is great at guitar..funny, has friends, good-looking (i think)...and he's gonna die...during the concert,he's randomly sit down and just look "blah"...so i'd walk and kneel next to him , asking him if he was okay and all the times i asked he was like "of course i'm not okay" and all i could do was brush his long hair with my fingers...and hold back the tears..he didn't need that shit from me...i know he doens't,...and if i did cry, he'd be like "what the fuck are you crying for?" and i'd be like "beacuse i care" and he'd just argue with me, like wwhen we were dating...It's so hard..just staring at him EVERY FUCKING DAY!....knowing, that he's in so much pain...knowing he has to go in for fucking surgery alot, knowing all he wants to do...is die...-cries-...it's not fair..it's not fucking fair!...i dont know what to do...tomorrow i'm going to Savers with my mom, then when i get back, i'm gonna call Ryan, then call Nathan and chill with Nathan, and hopefully see Ryan Saturday night....-crosses fingers- i need someone to cry on...and, just hold and be with...i fucking can't believe that...one of my friends is slowly and painfully dieing...and what keeps him from pulling the trigger...i dont know...more family most likely...poor nahtan -cries-...it's just not fucking fair!>.....

ryan- we never know when we're going to die, unless it's self-inflicted...-cries-..know i love you, i could die tomorrow...who knows what "he" has planned...but know..i love you, -cries-...it isn't fair...goddamnit!....i'll call you tomorrow i'm leaveing for Savers @ 10:30.....-wraps arms around you andbrries head into your shoulder crying- i love you....no matter what happens to me or you know that i love you...you have my heart...and you always will...-kisses you with tears pouring down my face-...

you never know what you have until it's gone...well...i know what i have now...that's why...i could never take what i have for granted....i love you Ryan...

-as sydney clutches me i fucking cry my eyes out-..