Personal self reflection aka boring
Goodness I'm exhausted. I had some yummy pork chops at my parent's place. They don't think I'm eating well. I suppose they worry about that. It is strange thinking about people worrying about me, I've always kind of done my own thing with out the parents checking up on me. I've always liked it that way. I suppose in that sense I'm very irresponsible because I always do things kind of on my own. I wonder if I am unable to work with other people. I was thinking about my social skills, I often do find myself solitary. I felt kind of alone at my parents house and thought that I would be rushing to come home to an empty house. I miss having a room mate, having someone to talk to and hang out with. But even so that would just be a distraction from whatever is making me blue. I'm not terribly sad, but the contemplations aren't that chipper. I suppose I'm inclined to agree with Zeus' opinion on being alone. I've never really had to be alone. It would be nice to have someone take care of me because I chose to fall apart, but in a funk no one really can make it go away. And I've been wondering why. why I have become this way. is it really just an artifact of my age that I have been doing this? Do I really not have an established what I am looking for in another person or goals outlined? Do I really try to destroy myself with self sabotage? Is my ability to see people for who they are and figure out who is lying that bad? I haven't been too flattering lately, I've been appearing as someone who is gullible, stupid, weak, easily swayed by other people's opinions and indecisive. These characteristics are not who I am. So I wonder why they have presented themselves. I've been wondering if it is just my interpersonal interactions, I really haven't been very close in a romantic relationship. I never felt connected. I remember saying that I was looking for that connection to another person, one that you understood and who understood you and then you didn't feel alone anymore. I never really had compromise in a relationship, I guess that tells you how deep those relationships were, they never were involved enough to need to compromise the difference of opinions, or I suppose one of us just gave into the others desires. I don't really know how they work. I suppose it does depend on the people but to some extent there is a general pattern to go by. I remember fantasizing about love, how it would be. Feeling sort of spiritually connected, being so empathetic to another person's aura I suppose westerners would say. Feeling a relaxed pleasant feeling being around them. Being able to tell them all those close personal thoughts you have that everyone else would find weird or not understand. Being able to live life with them, do something exciting, fun or do nothing at all and just be together, just hold each other. I think all of these things are generic things people say they are looking for. So this just establishes a dynamic but not necessarily the person I am looking for. I suppose the person I want is someone who is similar to myself. Honest, motivated, loquacious, physical into martial arts and walks on the beach in the woods, playing, able to be serious. I actually was driving back home and a song on the radio came on,
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight (should be lie)
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be MAN ENOUGH to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
by sheryl crow. I don't exactly know what she wanted to be lied to about but I guess women often feel this way. That they are upset and they need a man who can deal with the BS. I apparently, and ironically, had been listening to the love radio station or something, I yelled 'are you serious?!' to the radio. Its the ironies in life that make it amusing. It really does seem like older men seem to handle me better. I don't like to use age but god everyone else is using it. Everyone says men mature slower and that older men are more capable of providing me with the things I'm attracted to. I've always been adverse to arrogance, I remember when I was 15 Jared replied with women are attracted to confidence. And that is true, I don't think anyone is attracted to someone who is always questioning if they are able to do something and are incompetent. I was pretty arrogant myself, I have really high standards it seems, at least that is what everyone tells me. People tell me to not expect as much as I do. I suppose I should be more forgiving of people's faults. I think that the most important thing to me is that I cannot have someone overpower me. I can't let someone overbear me. There were times when I felt crushed by the relationship. And I felt the need to be free. I suppose this would be hard to achieve since not enough involvement would basically be a partner who doesn't care and too much would be a partner who was too picky and constantly wanted me to do and be what he wanted me to be. A person should always feel like they can be themselves, like the relationship makes them happy makes them better.. and I suppose helps them and their partner achieve what they want to out of life. At this point I really am looking for nurturing. I feel broken and sickly, and confused to an extent about myself. About who I am and what I truly want, and I suppose what is possible to get. There are positives and negatives to every option. Consequences. Right now, being alone I wonder if I will be happy with that. I was deliriously happy once I was rid of Joon, I felt free and myself and wonderful. With Ryan I didn't feel loved I suppose in the way I wanted to be noticed at times but I'm not sure if that was hormonal as well as situational or what those factors really contributed at all. I wasn't as depressed as when I was with Joon, but clearly I was looking for something more then I was getting. I remember after Joon I thought that I would use other people as a reference, a marker to make sure I wasn't getting into a relationship with another monster. I remember not trusting myself. I hate not trusting myself. It seems to really only be with my men though. With being intimate with someone, I guess I get carried away with my feelings for someone.. I do not hide things about myself at all and wrongly assume people will open up to me. People hide things. I'm not sure I I could see it though.
Although there are times when other people can see it and you yourself can't. But there is no fail safe all the time check for that sort of thing. When it comes down to it, you have to be able to trust yourself. I guess I'm just afraid of making mistakes with men because they can really tear your heart and mind apart. The level of pain that can be inflicted is just terrifying I suppose. I want to cheat and ask other people how they assess a person, and a person's motive because I am so un-used to lying and suspecting people of hiding things. That game is so entangled, I suppose that is why people hate to play it. I suppose I should get to bed.. my chest feels heavy tonight, I really hope I didn't catch anything!
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight (should be lie)
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be MAN ENOUGH to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave
by sheryl crow. I don't exactly know what she wanted to be lied to about but I guess women often feel this way. That they are upset and they need a man who can deal with the BS. I apparently, and ironically, had been listening to the love radio station or something, I yelled 'are you serious?!' to the radio. Its the ironies in life that make it amusing. It really does seem like older men seem to handle me better. I don't like to use age but god everyone else is using it. Everyone says men mature slower and that older men are more capable of providing me with the things I'm attracted to. I've always been adverse to arrogance, I remember when I was 15 Jared replied with women are attracted to confidence. And that is true, I don't think anyone is attracted to someone who is always questioning if they are able to do something and are incompetent. I was pretty arrogant myself, I have really high standards it seems, at least that is what everyone tells me. People tell me to not expect as much as I do. I suppose I should be more forgiving of people's faults. I think that the most important thing to me is that I cannot have someone overpower me. I can't let someone overbear me. There were times when I felt crushed by the relationship. And I felt the need to be free. I suppose this would be hard to achieve since not enough involvement would basically be a partner who doesn't care and too much would be a partner who was too picky and constantly wanted me to do and be what he wanted me to be. A person should always feel like they can be themselves, like the relationship makes them happy makes them better.. and I suppose helps them and their partner achieve what they want to out of life. At this point I really am looking for nurturing. I feel broken and sickly, and confused to an extent about myself. About who I am and what I truly want, and I suppose what is possible to get. There are positives and negatives to every option. Consequences. Right now, being alone I wonder if I will be happy with that. I was deliriously happy once I was rid of Joon, I felt free and myself and wonderful. With Ryan I didn't feel loved I suppose in the way I wanted to be noticed at times but I'm not sure if that was hormonal as well as situational or what those factors really contributed at all. I wasn't as depressed as when I was with Joon, but clearly I was looking for something more then I was getting. I remember after Joon I thought that I would use other people as a reference, a marker to make sure I wasn't getting into a relationship with another monster. I remember not trusting myself. I hate not trusting myself. It seems to really only be with my men though. With being intimate with someone, I guess I get carried away with my feelings for someone.. I do not hide things about myself at all and wrongly assume people will open up to me. People hide things. I'm not sure I I could see it though.
Although there are times when other people can see it and you yourself can't. But there is no fail safe all the time check for that sort of thing. When it comes down to it, you have to be able to trust yourself. I guess I'm just afraid of making mistakes with men because they can really tear your heart and mind apart. The level of pain that can be inflicted is just terrifying I suppose. I want to cheat and ask other people how they assess a person, and a person's motive because I am so un-used to lying and suspecting people of hiding things. That game is so entangled, I suppose that is why people hate to play it. I suppose I should get to bed.. my chest feels heavy tonight, I really hope I didn't catch anything!