I suck
Yea.. It continues with my whole needing to re create myself. I am continuing to experience side effects of who I am. Maybe it is because I am careless and not really feeling the gravity of accepting responsibility for my behaviors and actions. I need to do better.. but I don't want to change some of the things about myself. I had an interesting talk with one of my professors that I like very much. He is very grandfatherly, he patted me on the shoulder and told me not to worry, that it wasn't a big deal but it is something I should really be aware of. He told me that I come off as rebellious and I isolate myself, make a statement and say things that I .. really don't mean to say. He kept saying that I was eccentric and different.. creative and that these were not necessarily bad things but I needed to be more aware of how I was portraying myself and being taken in by the class. How I was reflecting to them, as.. well other I guess. I often place myself as other. I wear odd clothes, I speak odd thoughts. I behave and act oddly. Now some of my classmates display some odd behavior but to me they all seem to blend better then anything I ever say or do. I feel just distinctly out of place with them. Even with my friends I come off as odd but fun. There is an element of interest in the unusual but there are times when this awkwardness becomes uncomfortable.
I was always brought up to playing my own tune I suppose. I didn't want to be like my parents, I didn't particularly want to be anyone else. I never really had a mentor or someone to look up to, to aspire to be like. I never thought of it. I was happy for the most part being me. Mixing my own colors to please myself. Perhaps it is too individualistic and selfish to behave so. This isn't what I want to be. Alone. But the thought of becoming like everyone else is daunting.. I don't know if I could do it but not wanting to pretty much makes it so I can't. I don't know how to be everyone else.. and I don't want to be.. they are kind of vacant, they don't sparkle that much. I'm pretty expressive with my joy when I have it. Lively. Sanguine. I like to be that way. I like to be excitable, I like to be at peace with everything too. I noticed that lately the overwhelmed feeling is getting bad, I seem to be .. afraid almost of people. I do not want to talk to people I just want to be alone in a very physical sense.. Like I don't want people even near me. Maybe they are symptoms of relationshipy things. I'm scared to have someone inside me.. it feels like a splinter, something stuck inside that.. remains. Something I am drawing to my awareness that I'm not letting go, forgetting. I want to be alright when I am alone. Obviously that is not a problem. People seem to think that just because I haven't been out of a relationship that I should experience being out of one. I don't think that I define myself as being in a relationship. That I am lost without one. Maybe I am in denial but I really.. don't need someone. It is a want desire to have someone. Don't they describe a relationship as being complete? Doesn't that by definition mean that we are alone without our other halves? That we weren't meant to be alone. I never believed that we should be alone. Maybe I should try to make friends.. but I just don't feel like I'm attractive, to them, magnetic. Maybe I should try to look differently. Pleasant. The only other way I know to act is to be quiet and.. well then I am just easily ignored. I want life to be fun all the time.. it keeps me going. I don't ever really come down. Unless I am saddened about something in particular. It is nice to be sewn together. I have so many people telling me things about me who I am.. and what I am doing. I suppose I know how someone can lose themselves if they listen to other people too much.. or maybe that is just me.. I ve never really been one to listen to people as far as changing myself.. because I didn't always agree with them. Especially my parents, I've been a rebel for a long time.
Despite not knowing everything.. I am comfortable with myself for the most part. Who I am. I am open about my insecurities.. I am not afraid of them. I don't unduly defend myself. I don't try to force people to see things as I see them. I just prefer to be around people who value and think similar to myself. I value honesty. Trust. Compassion. Control, of one's self. Responsibility, Awareness, self confidence tempered with humility which kind of goes with awareness, you should be aware of your ability and it should be realistic. I spoke with Devin and he was saying that the awareness was actually pretty rare among people. I guess average isn't good enough.. I'm disappointed by it. I want something that isn't average, that is not within 75% of the population. I want a human who is not a human then. Do I want someone perfect for me? Or someone flawed. I want someone that has me by the heart, but is competent and doesn't hurt it. That doesn't carelessly hurt me as pretty much every man has to me. Men seem to be by their nature careless. No, that is not true, people are careless. Gentle hands like my own. Do I want a softer world.. one that could be too weak to stand.. could I be happy maintaining that weaker world.. or do I want one cut from steel? Dangerous, steadfast.. able to withstand.. Steel or water. And I am a fire.. something that doesn't stay anywhere long, that moves on when resources are depleted. That could be detained by water or create something with steel..
I was always brought up to playing my own tune I suppose. I didn't want to be like my parents, I didn't particularly want to be anyone else. I never really had a mentor or someone to look up to, to aspire to be like. I never thought of it. I was happy for the most part being me. Mixing my own colors to please myself. Perhaps it is too individualistic and selfish to behave so. This isn't what I want to be. Alone. But the thought of becoming like everyone else is daunting.. I don't know if I could do it but not wanting to pretty much makes it so I can't. I don't know how to be everyone else.. and I don't want to be.. they are kind of vacant, they don't sparkle that much. I'm pretty expressive with my joy when I have it. Lively. Sanguine. I like to be that way. I like to be excitable, I like to be at peace with everything too. I noticed that lately the overwhelmed feeling is getting bad, I seem to be .. afraid almost of people. I do not want to talk to people I just want to be alone in a very physical sense.. Like I don't want people even near me. Maybe they are symptoms of relationshipy things. I'm scared to have someone inside me.. it feels like a splinter, something stuck inside that.. remains. Something I am drawing to my awareness that I'm not letting go, forgetting. I want to be alright when I am alone. Obviously that is not a problem. People seem to think that just because I haven't been out of a relationship that I should experience being out of one. I don't think that I define myself as being in a relationship. That I am lost without one. Maybe I am in denial but I really.. don't need someone. It is a want desire to have someone. Don't they describe a relationship as being complete? Doesn't that by definition mean that we are alone without our other halves? That we weren't meant to be alone. I never believed that we should be alone. Maybe I should try to make friends.. but I just don't feel like I'm attractive, to them, magnetic. Maybe I should try to look differently. Pleasant. The only other way I know to act is to be quiet and.. well then I am just easily ignored. I want life to be fun all the time.. it keeps me going. I don't ever really come down. Unless I am saddened about something in particular. It is nice to be sewn together. I have so many people telling me things about me who I am.. and what I am doing. I suppose I know how someone can lose themselves if they listen to other people too much.. or maybe that is just me.. I ve never really been one to listen to people as far as changing myself.. because I didn't always agree with them. Especially my parents, I've been a rebel for a long time.
Despite not knowing everything.. I am comfortable with myself for the most part. Who I am. I am open about my insecurities.. I am not afraid of them. I don't unduly defend myself. I don't try to force people to see things as I see them. I just prefer to be around people who value and think similar to myself. I value honesty. Trust. Compassion. Control, of one's self. Responsibility, Awareness, self confidence tempered with humility which kind of goes with awareness, you should be aware of your ability and it should be realistic. I spoke with Devin and he was saying that the awareness was actually pretty rare among people. I guess average isn't good enough.. I'm disappointed by it. I want something that isn't average, that is not within 75% of the population. I want a human who is not a human then. Do I want someone perfect for me? Or someone flawed. I want someone that has me by the heart, but is competent and doesn't hurt it. That doesn't carelessly hurt me as pretty much every man has to me. Men seem to be by their nature careless. No, that is not true, people are careless. Gentle hands like my own. Do I want a softer world.. one that could be too weak to stand.. could I be happy maintaining that weaker world.. or do I want one cut from steel? Dangerous, steadfast.. able to withstand.. Steel or water. And I am a fire.. something that doesn't stay anywhere long, that moves on when resources are depleted. That could be detained by water or create something with steel..