(no subject)
I watched an episode of Grey's anatomy the other day. Me and my soap operas. This particular episode was interesting to me because a patient died that should not have died. Various complications cropped up over the course of a few hours and by midnight she bled out and died due to multisystem organ failure. The cause was soot in her throat which caused her throat to swell up so that she couldn't be int abated and they had to do a crank and her lung collapsed. When they finally spoke to everyone one person had gotten distracted and forgot to check down the throat. I suppose what makes this so interesting to me is what a difference a little oversight can make. I of course compared this immediately to my relationship. You get so caught up and tangled that you don't see what is really happening, and as small oversights develop into problems you panic and don't know what to do. I agree that it is this that takes down something. Multiple problems, just small oversights, and huge consequences that cannot be undone sometimes. Sometimes in life there are no re dos.
Ryan often asked me for a second chance. I couldn't give it to him. In the past I had overlooked things with other people and he suggests that they were not willing to or unable to change. What if it is just everything. What if it is so many things. What if it is that he is not proactive but reactive and has to be told exactly how to act? That little stupid insensitive things break down communication. I spoke with Jessica about how Ryan once said that My friends didn't want to give me advice anymore because I didn't listen to their advice. That they were frustrated with me for it. She said that it was an awful thing to say, that what could he hope to accomplish from saying something like that. I do not know, he would say things like this that would hurt. Things that also made me feel like he had a weak personality, that he would sway under the influence of others and worry about what they thought. He insisted that he was not this person. That is new for me, I've never had someone insist that they were not this person but weather or not he wanted to be it appears to be who he became. I wish him the best of luck in becoming who he wants to be. It is strange that I thought of him as compassionate and kind but he would say such awful things to me. Hurtful things. And he would say that I was insensitive, that it wasn't what I said but how I said it. With him it was what he said. The further I spoke to jessica about it the more i picked at the problems. Communication.
Well step one is knowing problems but once you know them, solutions and what you do becomes more difficult. Additionally we think of ourselves, what we would do, what we have felt, we cannot be another person, we can only say what we would do. She also talked about Zeus being a strong person. He is a strong person and I wonder if I am well suited for that. I suppose it makes sense if I am a strong person too, strong people go well together, and we do. We have wonderful conversations and are very compatible in multiple ways. One thing Jessica and Michael wondered was if the analytical side of Zeus would prove to be too much for me. He seems so calculating. And I find a beauty in the cool smooth precision that this personality provides. Maybe if I had allowed that side of me to flourish I would have Been more successful. I suppose that is one aspect of Ryan I craved, being personable although he found the same emptiness in a good portion of friends that people come to realize when you wonder who your true friends are. I craved having a heart. I craved feeling when I didn't have much when I was a teenager. It took a while for me to grow one. And in doing so, and giving it I opened myself up to hurt. One thing Jessica said that brought my awareness to was that someone who made mistakes and was careless could drop it. Or bump it off a shelf or something. Someone who was not careful could hurt you. Even if they never intended to. Not that I am innocent in this. I have broken hearts before. About half of them though I wonder if they broke my heart first.
I have many wondering s in my head about love. I always have. But love is something no one can really tell you about. We love in our own ways. Jared insisted that I do not love either since I hurt them both numerous times. I deliberately did things I knew would cause pain. I wish I had acted differently. I wish I was a stronger person earlier on in this cancer. Some days I wish to hush the voices. And some days when it is really bad I wish to quiet my heart. It all came down to decisions, who to care more for and listen to. Who is best for me. What is best for me. And sometimes best doesnt feel right. Sometimes we desire things that are bad for us. Who can teach us about ourselves? I think that only we can make the realizations and only if we desire to of course. I do not wish to be someone else other then myself. I wish I were stronger at the time I needed to be. But I was weak. My weakness and indecisiveness caused other people pain. My selfishness, my irresponsibility. No one died of course, it is not that dramatic. But the person I wish to be is one who is reliable, trustworthy and dependable. I felt so torn apart that I became something I should not have been. Even now I am just thinking about things. Being swayed. Being sad. Littlest things said shouldn't upset me. If you love someone even if they keep screwing up, does that change your love for them? I think you might not want to see it be a part of it but you dont stop loving them. Is that weak. wrong. I need to develop my own strong opinions. I was beginning to make myself I just need to keep going.
Ryan often asked me for a second chance. I couldn't give it to him. In the past I had overlooked things with other people and he suggests that they were not willing to or unable to change. What if it is just everything. What if it is so many things. What if it is that he is not proactive but reactive and has to be told exactly how to act? That little stupid insensitive things break down communication. I spoke with Jessica about how Ryan once said that My friends didn't want to give me advice anymore because I didn't listen to their advice. That they were frustrated with me for it. She said that it was an awful thing to say, that what could he hope to accomplish from saying something like that. I do not know, he would say things like this that would hurt. Things that also made me feel like he had a weak personality, that he would sway under the influence of others and worry about what they thought. He insisted that he was not this person. That is new for me, I've never had someone insist that they were not this person but weather or not he wanted to be it appears to be who he became. I wish him the best of luck in becoming who he wants to be. It is strange that I thought of him as compassionate and kind but he would say such awful things to me. Hurtful things. And he would say that I was insensitive, that it wasn't what I said but how I said it. With him it was what he said. The further I spoke to jessica about it the more i picked at the problems. Communication.
Well step one is knowing problems but once you know them, solutions and what you do becomes more difficult. Additionally we think of ourselves, what we would do, what we have felt, we cannot be another person, we can only say what we would do. She also talked about Zeus being a strong person. He is a strong person and I wonder if I am well suited for that. I suppose it makes sense if I am a strong person too, strong people go well together, and we do. We have wonderful conversations and are very compatible in multiple ways. One thing Jessica and Michael wondered was if the analytical side of Zeus would prove to be too much for me. He seems so calculating. And I find a beauty in the cool smooth precision that this personality provides. Maybe if I had allowed that side of me to flourish I would have Been more successful. I suppose that is one aspect of Ryan I craved, being personable although he found the same emptiness in a good portion of friends that people come to realize when you wonder who your true friends are. I craved having a heart. I craved feeling when I didn't have much when I was a teenager. It took a while for me to grow one. And in doing so, and giving it I opened myself up to hurt. One thing Jessica said that brought my awareness to was that someone who made mistakes and was careless could drop it. Or bump it off a shelf or something. Someone who was not careful could hurt you. Even if they never intended to. Not that I am innocent in this. I have broken hearts before. About half of them though I wonder if they broke my heart first.
I have many wondering s in my head about love. I always have. But love is something no one can really tell you about. We love in our own ways. Jared insisted that I do not love either since I hurt them both numerous times. I deliberately did things I knew would cause pain. I wish I had acted differently. I wish I was a stronger person earlier on in this cancer. Some days I wish to hush the voices. And some days when it is really bad I wish to quiet my heart. It all came down to decisions, who to care more for and listen to. Who is best for me. What is best for me. And sometimes best doesnt feel right. Sometimes we desire things that are bad for us. Who can teach us about ourselves? I think that only we can make the realizations and only if we desire to of course. I do not wish to be someone else other then myself. I wish I were stronger at the time I needed to be. But I was weak. My weakness and indecisiveness caused other people pain. My selfishness, my irresponsibility. No one died of course, it is not that dramatic. But the person I wish to be is one who is reliable, trustworthy and dependable. I felt so torn apart that I became something I should not have been. Even now I am just thinking about things. Being swayed. Being sad. Littlest things said shouldn't upset me. If you love someone even if they keep screwing up, does that change your love for them? I think you might not want to see it be a part of it but you dont stop loving them. Is that weak. wrong. I need to develop my own strong opinions. I was beginning to make myself I just need to keep going.