Control

Oct 12, 2009 11:37

I feel as thought I am in the clouds today, or floating on water. The sensation is like.. being here but not being here. I wasn't in class either. I feel depressed but not. I just can't feel that way so.. it is apathetic? I wonder about control, that other people have over me and of myself and the life I am living. The life I am living.. often I have had times were I did not like that life and thus moved to change it. Living. I spoke with Zeus about living the other day. I feel more like I am dying though.. which is unfortunate for one that wishes to live. I cried a lot, but it was all for nothing. Being hysterical doesn't help. It only made me feel more trapped. I feel awful. Tired, drained, pulled. I just want it all to stop. But crying doesn't make it stop. No wonder people fall into depression when they feel that they have no control over their lives.

Ryan continues to say all these awful things. It makes me afraid. I'm afraid of losing my connections with my friends. I'm afraid of losing myself. He said that I act differently when I've been around Zeus. Zeus says that I am trapped by Ryan and that I should take out a restraining order. The more my life continues the more it feels like some high school soap opera. No one can really seem to help me, and the help of either lover means the banishment of the other in an absolute end all.. non maria way. My stress induced illness worsens and I just wish it to be over. Just leave me alone and let me die in peace if you can't help me. I've always been so resigned to my fate. So dramatic, so end all. So negative. I guess I blocked all those feelings when I started writing, it doesn't matter anyway.. maybe I'll just be committed. Maybe I'll just go insane. Being forcefully locked up in a room right now doesn't sound half bad. Except I'd miss the sky. I'd miss being free.. being me.. Who ever that seems to be. Right now the only thing people seem to get is that I am confused, except Zeus who seems to think that I am coming to a realization.

I feel less and less here as the days go on. I feel less and less myself.. I feel further and further away. One thing I did wish to hear from Ryan was about being different about changing. I wondered if I was changing.. because I don't think I want to be the person I was with either of them. I feel like I am losing myself, my health in all aspects of the word. I feel like I am dying. As if from affixeation, suffocation.

1. to kill by preventing the access of air to the blood through the lungs or analogous organs, as gills; strangle.
2. to impede the respiration of.
3. to discomfort by a lack of fresh or cool air.
4. to overcome or extinguish; suppress.

To kill by suppression. There should be an element of exhaustion in there. I am being destroyed. I will be destroyed either way. My life will be miserable and unhappy. Thank you so so very much for making me feel absolutely helpless and lost. It is wonderful.. why don't you just force my head under water? That would be better.. then I could submit to it and have life taken from me in a far less painful fashion. My father said dying was wonderful.. that it was when you come back that there is pain... and to not fear death. I used to worry about death when I was younger, but now after living life.. there is nothing to fear but fear itself. And taxes. So in short.. I am unhappy. I am unhappy and I need someone to make me happy? Help me? Well.. any thing anyone did would not be me solving the problem, so what exactly is the point of all this? I've found a breaking point and I'm oh so desperately close to the edge it is just so tempting to give into madness. My psyche is fragile and cracked. What a wonderful life I shall have now, after I fail out of DPT school. What a wonderful fucked up life. Another 79 on bohannon's exam.. haha There is no way this guy will give me a B. I wonder if I will simply die by myself or flourish without being fucked up by anything. I actually considered seeing a psychologist earlier but there really isn't anything wrong with me to medicate, which seems to be inevitably where they end up going to solve problems.

Well Venting was wonderful. I still don't feel purged yet. I feel warm and burning, smoldering maybe? I did a Reikki class, and I felt better.. I think it would have been worse had I not had it.. Andies' energy felt good... relaxing.. I really want to do more energy work.. I always have.. maybe I should find more healers, I need more friends to help me feel good. Or time to myself to be myself. I want to stop feeling like I'm choking on life. Gagging.. my own phlegm nearly choked me this morning. Pleasant thought that is. There is an odd subdued feeling I have in regards to my fate. How strange.. Maybe I have become a B type personality. I shall not accomplish things that way, but I will live longer. I never wanted to live longer, I wanted to accomplish things and make the shortened life full of worth wild things. As long as I can preserve myself though.. I will be fine. Unfortunately it seems that I am only able to do that with one person, myself. Anyone getting in too close seems to throw me out of wack.. maybe I'm really not meant to be connected deeply to someone. Maybe I should have been a celibate priest or something.
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