Comments | bloodseal_soul: Array 132 // Video

bloodseal_soul

Array 132 // Video

Aug 13, 2010 19:03

[There's a limit to how much one person can take ( Read more... )

new worst week ever, nightmares, there are no psychiatrists, when in doubt be busy, jesus christ cheer up al, rhode kamelot, moment of weakness, negi springfield, death, *event: birds of a feather, riza hawkeye, remembering: not so great actually

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sauceytomato August 14 2010, 01:08:05 UTC

Alphonse...

bloodseal_soul August 14 2010, 01:09:54 UTC

[At first, there's no reaction, then, he forces himself to breathe.]

... was waiting for that.

sauceytomato August 14 2010, 01:20:16 UTC

Feeling okay?

bloodseal_soul August 14 2010, 01:32:35 UTC

I'm so sick of this.

sauceytomato August 14 2010, 01:33:07 UTC

All of us are.

[Private//Unhackable] bloodseal_soul August 14 2010, 01:38:35 UTC

[A muscle in his jaw works. Like he has questions, feelings, things he can't ever put into words because he's not sure how.]

Sometimes I kind of get, logically, why Yuca is how he is.

[Private//Unhackable] sauceytomato August 14 2010, 01:39:37 UTC

... Why, Al?

[Private//Unhackable] bloodseal_soul August 14 2010, 01:52:28 UTC

... everybody's going to leave.

[His voice breaks a little.]

This place. The reality of it. People disappear, they forget, they leave. I've spent two years trying to figure out what I can do, and I haven't found a single clue. This is the only reality I've got, the only life I've got.

I have to mentally prepare myself to say goodbye to every single person I know, no matter who they are. Death's lost any impact it once had, because we know it won't be permanent. People can disappear at any moment, no goodbye, no warning, and I could even deal with that, but...

They come back, and they come back not knowing who I am, or the people who love them, or...

This place... it isn't right.

It's not just Negi dying. It's not just the nightmares, it's not even Rhode, or Yuca, or people going away, or even...

[He doesn't make sense. He's all over the place, he can't seem to string any of it together in a coherent thought.]

[Private//Unhackable] i can speak english sauceytomato August 14 2010, 01:59:03 UTC

[Sasuke's silent for a long moment.]

But it's home all the same. [He's reaching out to take Hitsugaya's hand as he says this.]

Even the Animus can't change that, try as they might.

[Private//Unhackable] bloodseal_soul August 14 2010, 02:16:20 UTC

It's home.

[Al's voice is soft, lost. He can't deal with this. But he also can't give up. It's not the person he is, it never will be, and it's breaking his heart.]

I hate the person I'm becoming, Sasuke. [It's very soft, barely more than a breath of air.] I hate that I can't save anybody or anything. That I can't promise someone something as simple as the fact that I will be here tomorrow.

I hate that sometimes, when I hear a new voice on the PCD, I don't want to say hello. I don't want to help them. I don't want to know about their past, I don't want to figure out how to get them to smile, or what their childhood memories are, or what keeps them up at night. I-I don't want to love them. [For Al, even saying this out loud is going against his heart, and the very basis and nature of who he is.]

Because I don't want to say goodbye.

[Private//Unhackable] sauceytomato August 14 2010, 02:35:00 UTC

[Sasuke doesn't know what to say to that. He's only been here almost a year and a half and he's already lost so many people, and it's been so hard for him to make stable friends. His hand just tightens its grip slightly around Hitsugaya's, and he can't even bear to think what he would do if he lost the shinigami. It makes his throat dry up.]

...No one ever does.

[Private//Unhackable] bloodseal_soul August 14 2010, 02:49:54 UTC

[Al calms down quickly, feeling at little disgusted at himself, letting this get to him. He leans back in the chair, head whacking quietly on the rack behind him, shutting his eyes.]

... sometimes I feel like searching for the Philosopher's Stone was easier than this.

Or even being in the armor.

Being like this... it isn't me.

[Private//Unhackable] sauceytomato August 14 2010, 02:53:12 UTC

You're always you, Al.

[Private//Unhackable] bloodseal_soul August 14 2010, 02:59:12 UTC

[He frowns, eyes shut, reaching up to rub at them. Oncoming headache from crying. Sadness, frustration...]

I don't want to be this... sad all the time. I don't want to be one more worry for everyone. I don't want my feelings to rule me like this.

[Private//Unhackable] sauceytomato August 14 2010, 03:04:08 UTC

Human nature, Al. None of us can prevent change... try as we might.

People are always going to worry, no matter what. Toushirou'll always worry about me, and I'll always worry about him. It's just how it goes.

Doesn't stop anyone from trying to find their own happiness, though.

[Private//Unhackable] bloodseal_soul August 14 2010, 03:11:37 UTC

[Al scrubs a hand back through his hair, taking a shaking breath.]

No... you're right.

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