(no subject)
I'm in a very interesting mood I guess I can say. I have a lot on my mind, but am having a hard time organizing it all. I don't know whether to make this one really long post to say all I'm thinking, or break it up into several shorter posts...or even still not post it, and just write in my personal journal (yes I occasionally still keep a personal journal). I guess I'll just write til I can't write anymore for now.
I've been reflecting, not always a good thing, but I haven't brought myself to tears yet. So, not necessairly a bad thing right now. I haven't really come to any different conclusions than what I've come to in the past, but still reflection, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Most of it revolves around certain people that have come and or gone in my life. Here goes, in no particular order.
Scott: I think of him and smile. I still feel a bit of the pain and jelousy I felt when we parted ways, but I'll always think of him and smile. I loved him, and honestly I sometimes think about the choices I could have made and where they would have lead me to. And I can't say where I would be is any better than where I am now, because as we all know, I am here not there, but yeah. I think of him and smile. I think of his prom night, going to dinner, and drivin in his truck. I think of my Prom night, his mother's wonderful dinner, and sarah's beautiful dress and 'do. I think of the trips to his grannies place, and our camping trip with Kathy, Michael, Gio, and Sarah. I even think about the last summer when everything went to hell in a handbasket and smile. I know I'm a stronger person because of him. and I thank him for that. I have some pictures that I always laugh at when i pick them up...and occasionally I find a tear slip from my eye as I think about the past that we have, but we've both moved on, he's happily married now, and I'm happy for the most part with where life has brought me. So, here's to you Scott, to the past we shared, the present, and the future of both our separate lives!
Holly: I can't believe she's gone. I thought this woman would out live me to the upteenth degree. So full of life! I'll admit, from the end of Junior year of High school to about mid way through freshman year of college, I couldn't forgive her for betraying my friendship the way she did, but even through all of it, she was a good friend to me. I remember the first time she told me about Jeff, the smile I could hear in her voice as she talked about her Navy man! The excitment she held when she told me he'd proposed over christmas. I thought she was crazy cause she'd only known him a short period of time before she got engaged and married, she thought I was crazy for living with my boyfriend without being engaged or married! How odd our friendship was. I remember the shock that ran through me the day Jeff called me from Holly's cell phone, with the news of her passing. The painful realization that I was suppose to talk with her later that day. The realization that I'm not going to have her to go to if I ever get engaged or married. She would have been in my wedding party, I know that much, we had been through too much, and didn't come out killing each other, for her not to have been. I feel regret and remorse for not having been able to make it home to RO to be at her wedding, or funeral. I've kept in sporratic touch with her mother. which sometimes is awkward, because what do you say to your dead best friend's mother? I'm hoping I can make it home at some point to say a proper goodbye to her.
Adam: Someone I think about rarely, but all too often. I hear Lonestar's "Amazed" and it brings me to the living room of the house he was watching while the neighbors were away, a dance because we didn't have a chance to see each other for Senior Prom. I think of him and wonder, "what ever happend to that boy?" I heard he got married, to the same girl who asked him to ditch our friendship, and while still somewhat bitter, I hope he's happy, and i hope everything is going well for him. He is a good man, who deserves a good life. Sometimes I wish I were still in contact with him. It's hard to be cut off from someone whom you considered close, and a "true" friend. However, i realize we both made choices, we both followed our hearts, and that's all I could ask of either of us. "Follow your heart, follow your dreams, whatever they may be" I remember the swim meet I went to sr. year of high school. it was the last one of the season, and the only one EVER that I attended. To be honest I can't remember if Dondero won or lost, or even how well Adam did, but I remember cheering him on with his Father and Cathy. He was always a cutie patootie! I remember every morning from Freshman year through Junior year, I would pass him by his locker and I'd call out to him "good morning sunshine!" lol I was a geek I admit it. shoot I still am one, what I'm I talking about LOL. He'd always turn to face me and smile with a quick comeback or a tickle....lol good times. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have left my senior year. It would have been good to graduate with him and everyone else I knew in high school.
There are other people I constantly think about from the past, but this would be never ending if I started droning on about all of them, so that's enough of the past for now.
The one person I think about the most in the present, and with regards to the future, about is Daniel. I don't understand how one man can hurt me, and love me, and piss me off soo much. This long distance thing is NOT working on my end. I hate being alone at night now, because I've had him by my side for the past 2 years. these past 8 months have been hell, and it's playing hell on my heart. I notice the little things that never would have bothered me if we were closer together. Things drive me insane (like the 6 or 7 phone calls a day) that I never thought would bother me. The jelousy I hear in his voice when I talk about my friends down here, and even worse, the jelousy in my voice when he talks about certain people up in PA. His mother has ALWAYS driven me crazy, and whenever he mentions what she has him doing for the day if we do talk, I can feel my blood start to boil. I don't think he understands how much he needs to be down here if he expects the relationship to last. I'm trying, but to be honest I'm not sure if I want to try for much longer. Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder in my case. I admire those who uphold a long distance relationship, because my strength is wearing thin, and my patients even thinner.
Other things that don't include people that I've pondered. Face roles at Disney...will I ever get one? will I not? I don't know. I've been told I could pull off Aurora, but apparently Casting does not see this. Will I ever learn Festival of the Lion King? (aka FOLK) I don't know. Shit, right now I'm stuck in Puppetry world, and whereas it's a lot more fun than I thought it could be, I did NOT move down to Florida for puppetry. I enjoy it, but I NEED to be involved with something movement based or I'm gonna go insane real quick. I've made myself a promise, that if I'm not where I want to be with the company by the time I turn 25, I'm going to return to Michigan, and go back to school for education. Perhaps High School Math or maybe elementary Edu. It's a plan, one that nobody is aware of yet, because I'm not sure how to tell my mother, but nonetheless a plan.
Anywho, I should end this here, it's become long-winded, and probably boring to those who bother to read. thanks for bearing with me if you made it this far!
Peace, Love, and Mickey Mouse!
Shannon
I've been reflecting, not always a good thing, but I haven't brought myself to tears yet. So, not necessairly a bad thing right now. I haven't really come to any different conclusions than what I've come to in the past, but still reflection, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Most of it revolves around certain people that have come and or gone in my life. Here goes, in no particular order.
Scott: I think of him and smile. I still feel a bit of the pain and jelousy I felt when we parted ways, but I'll always think of him and smile. I loved him, and honestly I sometimes think about the choices I could have made and where they would have lead me to. And I can't say where I would be is any better than where I am now, because as we all know, I am here not there, but yeah. I think of him and smile. I think of his prom night, going to dinner, and drivin in his truck. I think of my Prom night, his mother's wonderful dinner, and sarah's beautiful dress and 'do. I think of the trips to his grannies place, and our camping trip with Kathy, Michael, Gio, and Sarah. I even think about the last summer when everything went to hell in a handbasket and smile. I know I'm a stronger person because of him. and I thank him for that. I have some pictures that I always laugh at when i pick them up...and occasionally I find a tear slip from my eye as I think about the past that we have, but we've both moved on, he's happily married now, and I'm happy for the most part with where life has brought me. So, here's to you Scott, to the past we shared, the present, and the future of both our separate lives!
Holly: I can't believe she's gone. I thought this woman would out live me to the upteenth degree. So full of life! I'll admit, from the end of Junior year of High school to about mid way through freshman year of college, I couldn't forgive her for betraying my friendship the way she did, but even through all of it, she was a good friend to me. I remember the first time she told me about Jeff, the smile I could hear in her voice as she talked about her Navy man! The excitment she held when she told me he'd proposed over christmas. I thought she was crazy cause she'd only known him a short period of time before she got engaged and married, she thought I was crazy for living with my boyfriend without being engaged or married! How odd our friendship was. I remember the shock that ran through me the day Jeff called me from Holly's cell phone, with the news of her passing. The painful realization that I was suppose to talk with her later that day. The realization that I'm not going to have her to go to if I ever get engaged or married. She would have been in my wedding party, I know that much, we had been through too much, and didn't come out killing each other, for her not to have been. I feel regret and remorse for not having been able to make it home to RO to be at her wedding, or funeral. I've kept in sporratic touch with her mother. which sometimes is awkward, because what do you say to your dead best friend's mother? I'm hoping I can make it home at some point to say a proper goodbye to her.
Adam: Someone I think about rarely, but all too often. I hear Lonestar's "Amazed" and it brings me to the living room of the house he was watching while the neighbors were away, a dance because we didn't have a chance to see each other for Senior Prom. I think of him and wonder, "what ever happend to that boy?" I heard he got married, to the same girl who asked him to ditch our friendship, and while still somewhat bitter, I hope he's happy, and i hope everything is going well for him. He is a good man, who deserves a good life. Sometimes I wish I were still in contact with him. It's hard to be cut off from someone whom you considered close, and a "true" friend. However, i realize we both made choices, we both followed our hearts, and that's all I could ask of either of us. "Follow your heart, follow your dreams, whatever they may be" I remember the swim meet I went to sr. year of high school. it was the last one of the season, and the only one EVER that I attended. To be honest I can't remember if Dondero won or lost, or even how well Adam did, but I remember cheering him on with his Father and Cathy. He was always a cutie patootie! I remember every morning from Freshman year through Junior year, I would pass him by his locker and I'd call out to him "good morning sunshine!" lol I was a geek I admit it. shoot I still am one, what I'm I talking about LOL. He'd always turn to face me and smile with a quick comeback or a tickle....lol good times. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have left my senior year. It would have been good to graduate with him and everyone else I knew in high school.
There are other people I constantly think about from the past, but this would be never ending if I started droning on about all of them, so that's enough of the past for now.
The one person I think about the most in the present, and with regards to the future, about is Daniel. I don't understand how one man can hurt me, and love me, and piss me off soo much. This long distance thing is NOT working on my end. I hate being alone at night now, because I've had him by my side for the past 2 years. these past 8 months have been hell, and it's playing hell on my heart. I notice the little things that never would have bothered me if we were closer together. Things drive me insane (like the 6 or 7 phone calls a day) that I never thought would bother me. The jelousy I hear in his voice when I talk about my friends down here, and even worse, the jelousy in my voice when he talks about certain people up in PA. His mother has ALWAYS driven me crazy, and whenever he mentions what she has him doing for the day if we do talk, I can feel my blood start to boil. I don't think he understands how much he needs to be down here if he expects the relationship to last. I'm trying, but to be honest I'm not sure if I want to try for much longer. Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder in my case. I admire those who uphold a long distance relationship, because my strength is wearing thin, and my patients even thinner.
Other things that don't include people that I've pondered. Face roles at Disney...will I ever get one? will I not? I don't know. I've been told I could pull off Aurora, but apparently Casting does not see this. Will I ever learn Festival of the Lion King? (aka FOLK) I don't know. Shit, right now I'm stuck in Puppetry world, and whereas it's a lot more fun than I thought it could be, I did NOT move down to Florida for puppetry. I enjoy it, but I NEED to be involved with something movement based or I'm gonna go insane real quick. I've made myself a promise, that if I'm not where I want to be with the company by the time I turn 25, I'm going to return to Michigan, and go back to school for education. Perhaps High School Math or maybe elementary Edu. It's a plan, one that nobody is aware of yet, because I'm not sure how to tell my mother, but nonetheless a plan.
Anywho, I should end this here, it's become long-winded, and probably boring to those who bother to read. thanks for bearing with me if you made it this far!
Peace, Love, and Mickey Mouse!
Shannon