Circles and Rings, Part 2 of 3
Four AM
"Come on," the man cajoles. He leans in and the smell of alcohol on his breath is strong, but Jaejoong almost finds it comforting. "Lighten up. Why're you so uptight tonight?"
"I'm not," denies Jaejoong, not that it matters what he says. It's not like he can tell anyone about that moment earlier in the night, when he was about to slip out of the house. He can't even explain it to himself, but the whole thing got him so wound up that his stomach feels like it's in knots.
To compensate, he's had more than he planned to drink, but the feeling still doesn't go away. His mind keeps flashing back to that incident, dissecting every look, every word exchanged, trying to figure out what it all meant. Even with one of Korea's most famous actors in front of him, even though he's pure eye candy, all Jaejoong sees when he closes his eyes is Yunho's expression.
"Sure you aren't. Whatever, man." The grin is easy and impossibly white. Jaejoong never thought about it before now, but it was impossible for anyone to have such perfect teeth. They must be…he digs around for the word in his head and remembers with a flash of clarity. They were called veneers. Like what Yunho got.
The thought disconcerts him so much that he doesn't realize that he's been asked a question-twice. Trying to cover for his lapse, Jaejoong downs the rest of his drink, only to find his most current lover looking far too seriously at him.
"Hey…" His voice is unusually soft. "Who are you doing it for, Joongie?"
Jaejoong flinches at the use of his name but tries to shrug it off. "What are you talking about?"
The look that he's given tells him that elaboration shouldn't be necessary, but it's provided anyway. "This act of yours. How long do you intend to keep it up?"
Jaejoong opens his mouth to respond but his tongue gets tangled up between "I'm not-" and "what act?" Maybe it's because the man sitting next to him is every bit as pretty as Jaejoong is, or maybe it's because he's not a singer, he's an actor, and reading expressions and body language is one of his talents. Maybe it's because he's lasted for two months, which is a record, as pathetic as that sounds. Jaejoong's mouth just goes dry and for once, he feels like he needs to walk away.
"Please. This isn't who you are. It's not what you want, either." His lover hesitates, and then takes Jaejoong's cold hand in his own. "I wasn't going to push it, but something's happened, right? Something changed. It always does."
"No," Jaejoong vehemently denies. "It's not like that at all. You don't understand."
This conversation-this whole scene is proof that some line has been crossed. The established pattern is breaking and Jaejoong doesn't want it to. He'd rather be the hamster running endlessly on its wheel than to fall out of it and find that there's no destination at all.
The famous almond-shaped eyes resting on him now are too direct and too sympathetic. Jaejoong looks away, but still hears the low murmur. "It's a member of the band, then. I thought so."
"It's-" For just a moment, Jaejoong is tempted to spill everything. To actually talk to someone about all this craziness, the downward spiral that even other people are beginning to notice. The people he trusts most, those that he can confide in, are the exact people he can't talk to since he would just pull them into all this.
He looks up to see that the brown eyes which meet his own are uncomfortably perceptive. "Jaejoong-ah, don't do this to yourself."
Jaejoong tries to deny it, but ends up confessing. "I'm not doing anything… I don't know what I'm doing."
A husky chuckle and his lover leans closer, their thighs pressing together, heat passing through the distressed denim they're both wearing. "That, I can believe. You're either trying to make yourself more desirable to that person-or trying to prove some misguided idea that you're undesirable, that you have no chance."
Jaejoong bites his lip, at war with himself, and his lover sighs. "I don't want to upset you. But either way, Joongie, just remember that in the end, no band stays together forever."
It's a double dose of truth and Jaejoong's shaken. Even though he knows the intentions behind the sudden talk are sincere, he can't go on with this. He withdraws his hand from the pressure of warm fingers and leaves as soon as he can.
* * *
Six AM
He's wandering the streets of the city at six in the morning even though he knows full well that they have a photoshoot at 11 AM and he looks like crap. Jaejoong hasn't slept, of course, and his mind is spinning with so many thoughts that it feels like it might explode. He's not so far gone as to be completely irresponsible, but he's got enough alcohol in him that things are hazy around the edges.Too bad it doesn't seem to blunt the things he's feeling. Success has made him into a star and sometimes all the celebrity power makes him feel like he isn't even sure if he exists, or if he's just a figment of a million imaginations. Everywhere he goes, he can see his own image and hear his own voice, but it doesn't seem like him. All they can ever get is the surface of him.
If they ever got a glimpse of the real him, things would be so different, Jaejoong thinks. If they could see everything, would they just look away? He's not really a star. In fact, he's never felt more human than at this moment, more than half drunk and his heart so heavy that his chest actually aches with it.
The last thing he wants is a text from Yoochun asking where he is, followed up half an hour later with not one, not two, but three texts from Yunho demanding that he get back. So far it seems like his little rebellion, his disappearance, has been concealed from their manager. The first text is calm, the second text is pissed, and the third is the worst-because it's concerned.
He ignores the curious stares when he picks a random spot on the street and simply sits down. The ground is filthy and the building he's leaning against looks like it's in the middle of a construction project after being abandoned for a few months. Jaejoong should be worrying about his safety or about being recognized, but he can't bring himself to care. He rests his head against the wall and closes his eyes.
He's so tired and out of it that when the fourth text comes just minutes later, he doesn't stop to think. Yunho wants to know where he is, so Jaejoong texts back exactly that. A few minutes after he sends the text, he realizes how stupid it was to do that, but it's too late. He contemplates getting up and walking away, but what would that accomplish?
He's stopped playing his part, anyway. He's broken the routine. For once he's the one leaving, not the one being left behind. Somehow he's still never felt more broken, maybe because walking away and saying no isn't a victory, it's a sign of defeat. There are things he can no longer deny, desires that he can no longer pretend don't exist.
Every time he thinks he can't fall down further, he finds out that there's nothing beneath his feet.
"Jaejoong."
He raises his head and sees Yunho kneeling before him. His name is the only thing he hears, even though it's followed up with questions and admonitions, a stream of worry and anger. Jaejoong drops his gaze so he doesn't have to see the confusion, the irritation. He knows it's selfish. He knows that all his actions will never be entirely just his own again; that he will always be one fifth of the band and if he sullies his own reputation, he's contributing to their downfall, too.
It makes him ashamed to even think about it and he can hear the anger beneath the concern. Yunho assumes that he's been dumped-it's the only sign he's ever given that he even knows what's been going on with Jaejoong-and Jaejoong does nothing to correct the impression.
He doesn't say anything at all, but then he's being hauled to his feet and Yunho's taking him back home. They get back at around seven in the morning and no one else is up yet. Yunho probably reassured Yoochun that he would take care of everything and Jaejoong gets the feeling that he probably hid this-problem? issue?-from Junsu and Changmin to spare them the worry. The rooms are dark and quiet. He's led to a bed and he falls into it gratefully, the tiredness stealing over his limbs. With his eyes closed, he can almost pretend that none of this ever happened.
"Get some sleep," he hears and it's probably only in his imagination because along with the concern and exasperation is a tenderness that isn't usually allotted to even best friends.
The bed dips with the weight of another person and it's not until then that Jaejoong realizes he isn't in his own bed. He hears ragged breathing and vaguely understands that it's coming from himself, that actually someone's murmuring comforting things to him because the sounds he's making are those of inexpressible distress. He refuses to cry, though, especially here and now. He's stronger than this.
A hand rests on his arm and he focuses on that connection. He's so badly in need of comfort and even though taking it from Yunho is a little like healing his heart for the price of his soul, it's irresistible. It's more than he ever expected to get. He falls asleep that way, sure that there's a warm presence beside him, solid and reassuring.
When Jaejoong wakes up a few hours later, he finds himself alone in Yunho's bed.
* * *
Two AM
The thing about secrets is that the more people are involved, the easier it is for a few things to slip. With the five of them residing in the same place, it's inevitable that their private lives are no longer entirely private. There are no witnesses. Everything occurs during the night, but it's still painfully obvious. Maybe they even knew all along, right from the start, because either way, it didn't matter.
Yunho goes on secret dates-it's both more complicated than it should be and easier than expected for a celebrity of his stature. They've had time to adjust to it all and they've picked up a hundred and one strategies to reclaim what normalcy they can in their lives. So Yunho goes out with girls and that's not unusual. None of them hold his interest for long, but the other members are used to it now and rarely even tease him about it.
Jaejoong also disappears on more than one night. Where does he go and who is he with? He's more secretive about it than anything else, but after weeks of poking and prodding yield no answers, they leave it alone.
On the other nights, everything is still the same. It's a parody of a family, five young men living together like this. At the same time, it's more real than anything else in their lives: the five of them eating together become almost a reference point for normal life. Yunho's the father, Jaejoong's the mother, and so on. All their roles have been mapped out by the media, the fans, even themselves. The fanservice is supposed to be just that, nothing more. That's why it's always so surprising when at the end of the day, after the cameras have been put away and the film stops rolling, it still seems like something more.
It's like the two of them are daring each other. Jaejoong's almost about to cross the line from wild to out of control and Yoochun, Junsu, and Changmin are waiting, watching, anticipating the moment when Yunho firmly takes the reins back. He's supposed to be the leader. He's supposed to help sort this out.
Only somehow Yunho doesn't. He turns a blind eye to it. He doesn't seem to care, even when Jaejoong decides to more or less throw discretion to the wind. There's this weird tension in the house, like there's a fight going on. But if there is one, it's invisible or covered up with smiles and the usual banter.
It would have been fine if it stopped there, if it didn't leave the inner circle. The five of them would have adapted to the change in dynamic and nothing would have happened. They all need each other and that takes priority over whatever weirdness is between Yunho and Jaejoong. That's the fate that they've chosen for themselves. They're stronger as a group but they've given up some individual freedom.
But ex-lovers talk and there are always waiting ears, always people eager to get every little unexpected, sordid detail.
Quietly, in the underground network of stars, both fallen and brightly shining, Yunho develops a reputation for being a lady killer. It's ironic, since the ones who talk the most are the ones he didn't sleep with, the ones he dumped before they even got a chance to lay a finger on him. Most of the time his relationships don't even go farther than a kiss, but that's not the way the story is told by the women he leaves behind. Still, this just reinforces the interest in him. He's there, but he's also somehow unattainable, and no one can resist the challenge.
Jaejoong has an equally widespread reputation, but it's the kind that inspires laughter of a different sort, scandalized and half disbelieving. It only brings him more of the kind of attention he doesn't need-because as the rumors go, he's the one who will sleep with anyone who asks him to, male or female.
He's the only one who knows if it's true.
* * *
Seven AM
Something has shifted between them. Maybe it was the comfort offered and taken that night, but for Jaejoong it's impossible to look away now that he's caught Yunho looking back. The tension dies down and the impending confrontation is averted, but another kind of tension rises to take its place.Jaejoong stops going out and Yunho's dates always seem to end early. Still, Jaejoong honors the unspoken agreement between them, the one that came into existence after he woke up and found out that he had been sleeping in Yunho's bed. That wasn't a big deal in and of itself. It's the way that Yunho acts afterward that makes it into a big deal. When their gazes cross, there's heat and curiosity in Yunho's expression now.
Lines have been crossed, there's no denying that. It becomes clear that Yunho's going to ignore this with everything in him, so Jaejoong decides he's going to make that plan as hard as possible for him. It's easy to do once he sets his mind to it and Jaejoong puts seducing Yunho on the top of his priority list.
It's surprisingly how much he can get away with in the name of fanservice. He lets his hand linger on Yunho's thigh in interviews and always manages to find ways to invade his personal space. He teases with every smile and glance, plays outrageously with each of them in turn in front of their leader and keeps Yunho perpetually off balance. Yunho plays his part like he's not sure whether it's giving him joy or grief.
Really, it's no different from what they've been doing before, but it is different. It's just that Yunho's the only one who gets the full impact of the difference. Suddenly it's a matter of temptation and it's only a matter of time before they both give in. After all, there's only so long you can lust after someone you see every day, all the time, before something happens.
Still, when the collision occurs, it leaves them both shaken. As first times go, it's everything Jaejoong could have wanted, and yet it still leaves him wanting more. What surprises him is how every part of it is deliberate and full of intent-Yunho shutting the door behind them and locking it, Yunho undressing him and then himself.
They'd seen each other naked before; it was both inevitable and inconsequential. It was so different to see each other's bodies while allowing themselves to admire, touch, explore. Yunho's eyes fastened on the way the light glinted off the single ring that pierced one of Jaejoong's dark nipples. Jaejoong shivered under his gaze, bathing in the heady victory of his desire.
"I want to taste you," Yunho whispers against the curve of his neck. "You have to let me."
Somehow the laughter wells and bubbles up from Jaejoong and he closes his eyes as hot lips close over his collarbone. "Is this your fantasy or mine?" he asks hoarsely.
"You tell me," is the almost growled reply. Yunho's eyes are dark with lust and Jaejoong can't help but feel pleased when he sees how he's eroding the other man's control. He pulls Yunho close and crushes their bodies together intimately, shuddering at the sensation.
Time seems to break into pieces then, or maybe everything that's happening is so overwhelming that Jaejoong can only let himself experience fragments of it. It comes to him in snapshots of sensation, each one burning itself into his memory: Yunho stroking himself, fingers slick with lotion. Their tongues tangling in a kiss so intense that Jaejoong's left breathless and trembling, so hard that he can't help but grind against Yunho's hip. There are murmured words that he can't quite catch and then a gasp torn from his throat as Yunho's fingers curl up inside him, and in that moment Jaejoong realizes that Yunho's been anticipating this, planning for it, learning what to do.
It's the thought that shatters all his self-control and he forgets himself, forgets what this may or may not mean, and just lets it happen. Yunho is his and Jaejoong welcomes it all, knowing that it's never been like this with anyone else. Fingers dig into his hips and he welcomes the pressure, wonders if there'll be bruises later.
Time bends and fractures in their need and then he's face down and twisting against the sheets, shamelessly pleading for Yunho to please and now and I want to feel you inside me. The way he moves his body against Yunho's is frantic and wild, without any restraint at all. He hears Yunho groan into his ear and he recognizes the moment when Yunho forgets everything but this, now, always.
Smooth and controlled spirals into desperate and needy. It's too much for either of them. He bites down hard on his lip and tastes blood as Yunho drives deep, his whole body shuddering in release. It's the knowledge he has brought his lover to this state that pushes Jaejoong over the edge, light bursting through his mind as his body comes apart in pleasure. Every part of him is awash in sensation, his breath comes in ragged pants, and he has fistfuls of the sheets in his hands.
This is lust, Jaejoong reminds himself. This is finding pleasure in each other's bodies, nothing more and nothing less. He repeats the words to himself silently, but his heart is pounding and he's afraid that he finally knows what it is he truly wants.
When Yunho finally draws away, neither of them speak. What's between them is too fragile for words. Jaejoong turns over and his heart stutters in his chest when he sees the way that Yunho is looking at him.
It's then that he knows that temptation never ends.
* * *
Eight PM
After dance practice, Yunho catches Jaejoong just after he's come out of the shower. Jaejoong's back is toward Yunho, but he has nothing more than a towel wrapped around his waist and even though Yunho has seen all that and more before, he still finds it a breathtaking sight. Normally his eyes would be draw to so much flawless skin, but it's something else that captures Yunho's attention this time, unexpectedly. Jaejoong still has water droplets clinging to his hair from his shower and as Yunho watches, some fall to the smooth, soft skin of Jaejoong's neck and then slide down the bare expanse of back.
It's explicable, but Jaejoong has always had some sort of magical connection to water and everything that he did with it ended up oddly seductive, sometimes mindblowingly so. Yunho remembers, half ruefully and half with pride, that even mundane things like drinking water out of a bottle turns into a show, when Jaejoong's the one doing it.
Yunho slips up behind Jaejoong and covers his lover's eyes playfully, ignoring Jaejoong's surprised gasp. "It's me," he says, although it's unnecessary since the tension in Jaejoong's shoulders has already faded away. Yunho's inordinately pleased that Jaejoong recognizes him so quickly.
"I have a little present for you," he whispers into Jaejoong's ear. "Something special."
"What is it?" Jaejoong asks, but his mind is clearly on a different track. He purposefully leans back until he's pressed against Yunho and they both don't mind that he's getting Yunho's shirt damp.
"It's a ring…sort of." Yunho lets his hands fall away before dropping a kiss on the inviting curve of Jaejoong's neck. The reaction he gets is close to a purr and Yunho can't hold back a smile as he presses a small box into Jaejoong's hands.
"A ring…?" Not only was the gift box somewhat bigger than the ones that usually head jewelry, Jaejoong looked down at the ring already on his finger. He and Yunho had exchanged rings quite a while ago. The matching rings that had already caught the attention of their fans although they didn't wear them all the time and those were hardly the only rings either of them wore at any given point.
"I have to go soon, so open it later, all right?" There was an odd note to Yunho's voice, so Jaejoong looked over his shoulder. After a moment, he recognized Yunho's careful nonchalance as an expression of shyness, not something often seen on his face. It was unexpectedly cute and made him wonder what exactly was in the box that could potentially embarrass Yunho.
"I can wait," Jaejoong pointed out, testing an idea. "Don't you want me to open it in front of you?"
Yunho definitely flushed a little. "No, it's okay. I don't know if you'll like it."
This was getting more and more interesting. Jaejoong turned around to ask some more questions, intending to tease his lover, so when Yunho cupped his face in his hands and gazed at him seriously, it took him by surprise. Without hesitating, Yunho kissed him. Their lips came together with rare force, building on a sudden intensity that sent a shudder of pleasure through Jaejoong, enough to make him forget about how tired he had been from their endless schedule.
"Mmmh," Jaejoong protested breathily when Yunho broke off. Curiosity had turned into desire; the present was almost forgotten. "Do you really have to go?"
"I'll be back tonight," Yunho promised.
* * *
Twelve PM (Noon)
He keeps waiting for the end to come. Jaejoong figures that he's practiced the script more times than he can count. He can't hold anyone's interest. Yunho can't be interested. What's going on between them is strictly temporary and he needs to make his peace with that.When the time comes, he promises himself, he'll handle it with grace. It'll go down as the most dramaless breakup scene in the history of breakup scenes. Yunho's dumped more girls than Jaejoong can remember. And Jaejoong's been dumped in every way possible. It's been proven without a doubt that for whatever reason, he's just not worth any commitment.
Actually, they're both pros at this. In fact, Jaejoong doesn't mean to, but he overhears Yunho in the middle of such a scene right now. He aches a little at hearing the polite rejection in Yunho's voice, even if it's directed at someone else. He really shouldn't eavesdrop, but Jaejoong finds himself lingering in the hallway. The door to the room that Yunho's in is partially open, so their voices leak out.
"I'm sorry," Yunho says sincerely, "but I'm already with someone else."
"Who is it?" It's a feminine voice made sharp with unmistakable jealousy.
If Yunho makes a reply, it's in a voice that's too low for Jaejoong to catch, and suddenly he doesn't want to hear it at all.
He takes brisk steps down the hallway and tries not to wonder what was said. He tries to prepare himself to be on the receiving end of such a conversation. Jaejoong's not insecure about their relationship. No, it's worse than that. He's resigned for what he sees as inevitable.
* * *
One PM
"You know what your voice sounds like to me?" Yunho asks Jaejoong, who looks at him in confusion but remains silent.
"We're all singers, but you're more like an angel in comparison…" What's even more surprising than the words is the intensity with which Yunho utters them. "We can always pick out the threads of our voices in our songs but yours is always different. Clearer, brighter, impossibly beautiful…"
He actually believes what he's saying-it's not even a compliment to him, it's just the truth. That's what shocks Jaejoong most of all, but his perplexity and disbelief is hard for Yunho to take. He needs Jaejoong to understand his point. "Your voice makes everything else in the world suddenly not matter. Even when I'm depressed or frustrated, it just makes me want to smile."
Yunho rushes on because it's embarrassing to admit, but it's also impossible to deny. "And it makes me want to… I want to figure you out. I want to see where all this beauty is coming from, how those lovely sounds can come from your lips."
He reaches out and lets his fingertips rest on the delicate skin of Jaejoong's throat, his index finger tracing the bump of his Adam's apple. His hand trembles slightly and Jaejoong swallows hard-they both feel the movement, just as they both feel his pulse start to speed. It's not a kiss, but the way Yunho looks at him is terrifyingly intimate.
"Jaejoong, do you know what your voice does to me?" There are things that Yunho leaves unsaid, but Jaejoong can practically read the words in his eyes, in the way his lips softly part. It makes me want to kiss you, to make you mine. To possess the body that houses that heavenly voice. To find out what other sounds you'd make, in passion and in pleasure...
Jaejoong's familiar with desire and he's used to other people lusting after him, but there's a tenderness to this, a note of affection, that makes every teasing reply he thinks of die before he can utter it.
He's afraid his reaction gives away too much-Yunho wants him, but he doesn't really want him that way, and Jaejoong doesn't want to screw this up by making it seem as if he needs more. So he does the only thing he can. His hand closes hard on Yunho's shoulder to draw him closer, he flings his other arm around Yunho's neck to pull him slightly down, and then he kisses him.
For once, Yunho eagerly accepts what Jaejoong gives until they're ravishing each other's mouths, until heady emotion merges and gives way to the simple attraction that's always between them, just barely hidden under the surface.
When they finally break apart, Jaejoong leans his head against Yunho's shoulder, resting for a moment. It keeps his face hidden from Yunho and he desperately needs the moment to pull himself together.
"Maybe you're the only one who hears me like that," he says at last. He puts a finger to Yunho's lips to forestall the protest. Jaejoong's eyes were soft and full of emotion that he rarely shows. He doesn't want to break this from carelessness, but he feels like he has to say this, even if it makes Yunho turn away from him. "But if you were the only one in the whole world to hear me sing, it would be enough for me…that's what you do to me."
* * *
Seven PM
It seems like Jaejoong is a ghost these days, because he overhears another private conversation. It's supposed to be a teasing game of true or false. There's so much information about all of them, but half of it is generally outdated and the other half is the kind of stuff that they make up on the spur of the moment in order to answer some outrageous question.Normal people don't think about their daily routines or favorite things as much as celebrities are required to do. Sometimes, when Jaejoong's feeling most cynical, he wonders if his entire life can be reduced down to trivia questions.
She's a sweet girl, but her curiosity gets the better of her. "So…is it true that Jaejoong will date anyone who asks him to, as long as they want him?"
It's asked in such an innocent tone, but no amount of brightness can cover the ugliness of the question. What the words mean, of course, is: are the rumors true? Is your bandmate a total slut?
Changmin's voice makes ice seem warm in comparison. "How dare you ask that?"
Jaejoong has never heard Min sound so furious. The maknae's loyalty is touching and, he can't help but think, misguided. He leaves quickly because he can't stand to hear the argument that has started because of this topic.
It pours salt into a wound that he has almost forgotten was there.
--------
TBC
Please comment! <3
Sorry for any typos, etc. I haven't had time to beta.
"Come on," the man cajoles. He leans in and the smell of alcohol on his breath is strong, but Jaejoong almost finds it comforting. "Lighten up. Why're you so uptight tonight?"
"I'm not," denies Jaejoong, not that it matters what he says. It's not like he can tell anyone about that moment earlier in the night, when he was about to slip out of the house. He can't even explain it to himself, but the whole thing got him so wound up that his stomach feels like it's in knots.
To compensate, he's had more than he planned to drink, but the feeling still doesn't go away. His mind keeps flashing back to that incident, dissecting every look, every word exchanged, trying to figure out what it all meant. Even with one of Korea's most famous actors in front of him, even though he's pure eye candy, all Jaejoong sees when he closes his eyes is Yunho's expression.
"Sure you aren't. Whatever, man." The grin is easy and impossibly white. Jaejoong never thought about it before now, but it was impossible for anyone to have such perfect teeth. They must be…he digs around for the word in his head and remembers with a flash of clarity. They were called veneers. Like what Yunho got.
The thought disconcerts him so much that he doesn't realize that he's been asked a question-twice. Trying to cover for his lapse, Jaejoong downs the rest of his drink, only to find his most current lover looking far too seriously at him.
"Hey…" His voice is unusually soft. "Who are you doing it for, Joongie?"
Jaejoong flinches at the use of his name but tries to shrug it off. "What are you talking about?"
The look that he's given tells him that elaboration shouldn't be necessary, but it's provided anyway. "This act of yours. How long do you intend to keep it up?"
Jaejoong opens his mouth to respond but his tongue gets tangled up between "I'm not-" and "what act?" Maybe it's because the man sitting next to him is every bit as pretty as Jaejoong is, or maybe it's because he's not a singer, he's an actor, and reading expressions and body language is one of his talents. Maybe it's because he's lasted for two months, which is a record, as pathetic as that sounds. Jaejoong's mouth just goes dry and for once, he feels like he needs to walk away.
"Please. This isn't who you are. It's not what you want, either." His lover hesitates, and then takes Jaejoong's cold hand in his own. "I wasn't going to push it, but something's happened, right? Something changed. It always does."
"No," Jaejoong vehemently denies. "It's not like that at all. You don't understand."
This conversation-this whole scene is proof that some line has been crossed. The established pattern is breaking and Jaejoong doesn't want it to. He'd rather be the hamster running endlessly on its wheel than to fall out of it and find that there's no destination at all.
The famous almond-shaped eyes resting on him now are too direct and too sympathetic. Jaejoong looks away, but still hears the low murmur. "It's a member of the band, then. I thought so."
"It's-" For just a moment, Jaejoong is tempted to spill everything. To actually talk to someone about all this craziness, the downward spiral that even other people are beginning to notice. The people he trusts most, those that he can confide in, are the exact people he can't talk to since he would just pull them into all this.
He looks up to see that the brown eyes which meet his own are uncomfortably perceptive. "Jaejoong-ah, don't do this to yourself."
Jaejoong tries to deny it, but ends up confessing. "I'm not doing anything… I don't know what I'm doing."
A husky chuckle and his lover leans closer, their thighs pressing together, heat passing through the distressed denim they're both wearing. "That, I can believe. You're either trying to make yourself more desirable to that person-or trying to prove some misguided idea that you're undesirable, that you have no chance."
Jaejoong bites his lip, at war with himself, and his lover sighs. "I don't want to upset you. But either way, Joongie, just remember that in the end, no band stays together forever."
It's a double dose of truth and Jaejoong's shaken. Even though he knows the intentions behind the sudden talk are sincere, he can't go on with this. He withdraws his hand from the pressure of warm fingers and leaves as soon as he can.
* * *
Six AM
He's wandering the streets of the city at six in the morning even though he knows full well that they have a photoshoot at 11 AM and he looks like crap. Jaejoong hasn't slept, of course, and his mind is spinning with so many thoughts that it feels like it might explode. He's not so far gone as to be completely irresponsible, but he's got enough alcohol in him that things are hazy around the edges.Too bad it doesn't seem to blunt the things he's feeling. Success has made him into a star and sometimes all the celebrity power makes him feel like he isn't even sure if he exists, or if he's just a figment of a million imaginations. Everywhere he goes, he can see his own image and hear his own voice, but it doesn't seem like him. All they can ever get is the surface of him.
If they ever got a glimpse of the real him, things would be so different, Jaejoong thinks. If they could see everything, would they just look away? He's not really a star. In fact, he's never felt more human than at this moment, more than half drunk and his heart so heavy that his chest actually aches with it.
The last thing he wants is a text from Yoochun asking where he is, followed up half an hour later with not one, not two, but three texts from Yunho demanding that he get back. So far it seems like his little rebellion, his disappearance, has been concealed from their manager. The first text is calm, the second text is pissed, and the third is the worst-because it's concerned.
He ignores the curious stares when he picks a random spot on the street and simply sits down. The ground is filthy and the building he's leaning against looks like it's in the middle of a construction project after being abandoned for a few months. Jaejoong should be worrying about his safety or about being recognized, but he can't bring himself to care. He rests his head against the wall and closes his eyes.
He's so tired and out of it that when the fourth text comes just minutes later, he doesn't stop to think. Yunho wants to know where he is, so Jaejoong texts back exactly that. A few minutes after he sends the text, he realizes how stupid it was to do that, but it's too late. He contemplates getting up and walking away, but what would that accomplish?
He's stopped playing his part, anyway. He's broken the routine. For once he's the one leaving, not the one being left behind. Somehow he's still never felt more broken, maybe because walking away and saying no isn't a victory, it's a sign of defeat. There are things he can no longer deny, desires that he can no longer pretend don't exist.
Every time he thinks he can't fall down further, he finds out that there's nothing beneath his feet.
"Jaejoong."
He raises his head and sees Yunho kneeling before him. His name is the only thing he hears, even though it's followed up with questions and admonitions, a stream of worry and anger. Jaejoong drops his gaze so he doesn't have to see the confusion, the irritation. He knows it's selfish. He knows that all his actions will never be entirely just his own again; that he will always be one fifth of the band and if he sullies his own reputation, he's contributing to their downfall, too.
It makes him ashamed to even think about it and he can hear the anger beneath the concern. Yunho assumes that he's been dumped-it's the only sign he's ever given that he even knows what's been going on with Jaejoong-and Jaejoong does nothing to correct the impression.
He doesn't say anything at all, but then he's being hauled to his feet and Yunho's taking him back home. They get back at around seven in the morning and no one else is up yet. Yunho probably reassured Yoochun that he would take care of everything and Jaejoong gets the feeling that he probably hid this-problem? issue?-from Junsu and Changmin to spare them the worry. The rooms are dark and quiet. He's led to a bed and he falls into it gratefully, the tiredness stealing over his limbs. With his eyes closed, he can almost pretend that none of this ever happened.
"Get some sleep," he hears and it's probably only in his imagination because along with the concern and exasperation is a tenderness that isn't usually allotted to even best friends.
The bed dips with the weight of another person and it's not until then that Jaejoong realizes he isn't in his own bed. He hears ragged breathing and vaguely understands that it's coming from himself, that actually someone's murmuring comforting things to him because the sounds he's making are those of inexpressible distress. He refuses to cry, though, especially here and now. He's stronger than this.
A hand rests on his arm and he focuses on that connection. He's so badly in need of comfort and even though taking it from Yunho is a little like healing his heart for the price of his soul, it's irresistible. It's more than he ever expected to get. He falls asleep that way, sure that there's a warm presence beside him, solid and reassuring.
When Jaejoong wakes up a few hours later, he finds himself alone in Yunho's bed.
* * *
Two AM
The thing about secrets is that the more people are involved, the easier it is for a few things to slip. With the five of them residing in the same place, it's inevitable that their private lives are no longer entirely private. There are no witnesses. Everything occurs during the night, but it's still painfully obvious. Maybe they even knew all along, right from the start, because either way, it didn't matter.
Yunho goes on secret dates-it's both more complicated than it should be and easier than expected for a celebrity of his stature. They've had time to adjust to it all and they've picked up a hundred and one strategies to reclaim what normalcy they can in their lives. So Yunho goes out with girls and that's not unusual. None of them hold his interest for long, but the other members are used to it now and rarely even tease him about it.
Jaejoong also disappears on more than one night. Where does he go and who is he with? He's more secretive about it than anything else, but after weeks of poking and prodding yield no answers, they leave it alone.
On the other nights, everything is still the same. It's a parody of a family, five young men living together like this. At the same time, it's more real than anything else in their lives: the five of them eating together become almost a reference point for normal life. Yunho's the father, Jaejoong's the mother, and so on. All their roles have been mapped out by the media, the fans, even themselves. The fanservice is supposed to be just that, nothing more. That's why it's always so surprising when at the end of the day, after the cameras have been put away and the film stops rolling, it still seems like something more.
It's like the two of them are daring each other. Jaejoong's almost about to cross the line from wild to out of control and Yoochun, Junsu, and Changmin are waiting, watching, anticipating the moment when Yunho firmly takes the reins back. He's supposed to be the leader. He's supposed to help sort this out.
Only somehow Yunho doesn't. He turns a blind eye to it. He doesn't seem to care, even when Jaejoong decides to more or less throw discretion to the wind. There's this weird tension in the house, like there's a fight going on. But if there is one, it's invisible or covered up with smiles and the usual banter.
It would have been fine if it stopped there, if it didn't leave the inner circle. The five of them would have adapted to the change in dynamic and nothing would have happened. They all need each other and that takes priority over whatever weirdness is between Yunho and Jaejoong. That's the fate that they've chosen for themselves. They're stronger as a group but they've given up some individual freedom.
But ex-lovers talk and there are always waiting ears, always people eager to get every little unexpected, sordid detail.
Quietly, in the underground network of stars, both fallen and brightly shining, Yunho develops a reputation for being a lady killer. It's ironic, since the ones who talk the most are the ones he didn't sleep with, the ones he dumped before they even got a chance to lay a finger on him. Most of the time his relationships don't even go farther than a kiss, but that's not the way the story is told by the women he leaves behind. Still, this just reinforces the interest in him. He's there, but he's also somehow unattainable, and no one can resist the challenge.
Jaejoong has an equally widespread reputation, but it's the kind that inspires laughter of a different sort, scandalized and half disbelieving. It only brings him more of the kind of attention he doesn't need-because as the rumors go, he's the one who will sleep with anyone who asks him to, male or female.
He's the only one who knows if it's true.
* * *
Seven AM
Something has shifted between them. Maybe it was the comfort offered and taken that night, but for Jaejoong it's impossible to look away now that he's caught Yunho looking back. The tension dies down and the impending confrontation is averted, but another kind of tension rises to take its place.Jaejoong stops going out and Yunho's dates always seem to end early. Still, Jaejoong honors the unspoken agreement between them, the one that came into existence after he woke up and found out that he had been sleeping in Yunho's bed. That wasn't a big deal in and of itself. It's the way that Yunho acts afterward that makes it into a big deal. When their gazes cross, there's heat and curiosity in Yunho's expression now.
Lines have been crossed, there's no denying that. It becomes clear that Yunho's going to ignore this with everything in him, so Jaejoong decides he's going to make that plan as hard as possible for him. It's easy to do once he sets his mind to it and Jaejoong puts seducing Yunho on the top of his priority list.
It's surprisingly how much he can get away with in the name of fanservice. He lets his hand linger on Yunho's thigh in interviews and always manages to find ways to invade his personal space. He teases with every smile and glance, plays outrageously with each of them in turn in front of their leader and keeps Yunho perpetually off balance. Yunho plays his part like he's not sure whether it's giving him joy or grief.
Really, it's no different from what they've been doing before, but it is different. It's just that Yunho's the only one who gets the full impact of the difference. Suddenly it's a matter of temptation and it's only a matter of time before they both give in. After all, there's only so long you can lust after someone you see every day, all the time, before something happens.
Still, when the collision occurs, it leaves them both shaken. As first times go, it's everything Jaejoong could have wanted, and yet it still leaves him wanting more. What surprises him is how every part of it is deliberate and full of intent-Yunho shutting the door behind them and locking it, Yunho undressing him and then himself.
They'd seen each other naked before; it was both inevitable and inconsequential. It was so different to see each other's bodies while allowing themselves to admire, touch, explore. Yunho's eyes fastened on the way the light glinted off the single ring that pierced one of Jaejoong's dark nipples. Jaejoong shivered under his gaze, bathing in the heady victory of his desire.
"I want to taste you," Yunho whispers against the curve of his neck. "You have to let me."
Somehow the laughter wells and bubbles up from Jaejoong and he closes his eyes as hot lips close over his collarbone. "Is this your fantasy or mine?" he asks hoarsely.
"You tell me," is the almost growled reply. Yunho's eyes are dark with lust and Jaejoong can't help but feel pleased when he sees how he's eroding the other man's control. He pulls Yunho close and crushes their bodies together intimately, shuddering at the sensation.
Time seems to break into pieces then, or maybe everything that's happening is so overwhelming that Jaejoong can only let himself experience fragments of it. It comes to him in snapshots of sensation, each one burning itself into his memory: Yunho stroking himself, fingers slick with lotion. Their tongues tangling in a kiss so intense that Jaejoong's left breathless and trembling, so hard that he can't help but grind against Yunho's hip. There are murmured words that he can't quite catch and then a gasp torn from his throat as Yunho's fingers curl up inside him, and in that moment Jaejoong realizes that Yunho's been anticipating this, planning for it, learning what to do.
It's the thought that shatters all his self-control and he forgets himself, forgets what this may or may not mean, and just lets it happen. Yunho is his and Jaejoong welcomes it all, knowing that it's never been like this with anyone else. Fingers dig into his hips and he welcomes the pressure, wonders if there'll be bruises later.
Time bends and fractures in their need and then he's face down and twisting against the sheets, shamelessly pleading for Yunho to please and now and I want to feel you inside me. The way he moves his body against Yunho's is frantic and wild, without any restraint at all. He hears Yunho groan into his ear and he recognizes the moment when Yunho forgets everything but this, now, always.
Smooth and controlled spirals into desperate and needy. It's too much for either of them. He bites down hard on his lip and tastes blood as Yunho drives deep, his whole body shuddering in release. It's the knowledge he has brought his lover to this state that pushes Jaejoong over the edge, light bursting through his mind as his body comes apart in pleasure. Every part of him is awash in sensation, his breath comes in ragged pants, and he has fistfuls of the sheets in his hands.
This is lust, Jaejoong reminds himself. This is finding pleasure in each other's bodies, nothing more and nothing less. He repeats the words to himself silently, but his heart is pounding and he's afraid that he finally knows what it is he truly wants.
When Yunho finally draws away, neither of them speak. What's between them is too fragile for words. Jaejoong turns over and his heart stutters in his chest when he sees the way that Yunho is looking at him.
It's then that he knows that temptation never ends.
* * *
Eight PM
After dance practice, Yunho catches Jaejoong just after he's come out of the shower. Jaejoong's back is toward Yunho, but he has nothing more than a towel wrapped around his waist and even though Yunho has seen all that and more before, he still finds it a breathtaking sight. Normally his eyes would be draw to so much flawless skin, but it's something else that captures Yunho's attention this time, unexpectedly. Jaejoong still has water droplets clinging to his hair from his shower and as Yunho watches, some fall to the smooth, soft skin of Jaejoong's neck and then slide down the bare expanse of back.
It's explicable, but Jaejoong has always had some sort of magical connection to water and everything that he did with it ended up oddly seductive, sometimes mindblowingly so. Yunho remembers, half ruefully and half with pride, that even mundane things like drinking water out of a bottle turns into a show, when Jaejoong's the one doing it.
Yunho slips up behind Jaejoong and covers his lover's eyes playfully, ignoring Jaejoong's surprised gasp. "It's me," he says, although it's unnecessary since the tension in Jaejoong's shoulders has already faded away. Yunho's inordinately pleased that Jaejoong recognizes him so quickly.
"I have a little present for you," he whispers into Jaejoong's ear. "Something special."
"What is it?" Jaejoong asks, but his mind is clearly on a different track. He purposefully leans back until he's pressed against Yunho and they both don't mind that he's getting Yunho's shirt damp.
"It's a ring…sort of." Yunho lets his hands fall away before dropping a kiss on the inviting curve of Jaejoong's neck. The reaction he gets is close to a purr and Yunho can't hold back a smile as he presses a small box into Jaejoong's hands.
"A ring…?" Not only was the gift box somewhat bigger than the ones that usually head jewelry, Jaejoong looked down at the ring already on his finger. He and Yunho had exchanged rings quite a while ago. The matching rings that had already caught the attention of their fans although they didn't wear them all the time and those were hardly the only rings either of them wore at any given point.
"I have to go soon, so open it later, all right?" There was an odd note to Yunho's voice, so Jaejoong looked over his shoulder. After a moment, he recognized Yunho's careful nonchalance as an expression of shyness, not something often seen on his face. It was unexpectedly cute and made him wonder what exactly was in the box that could potentially embarrass Yunho.
"I can wait," Jaejoong pointed out, testing an idea. "Don't you want me to open it in front of you?"
Yunho definitely flushed a little. "No, it's okay. I don't know if you'll like it."
This was getting more and more interesting. Jaejoong turned around to ask some more questions, intending to tease his lover, so when Yunho cupped his face in his hands and gazed at him seriously, it took him by surprise. Without hesitating, Yunho kissed him. Their lips came together with rare force, building on a sudden intensity that sent a shudder of pleasure through Jaejoong, enough to make him forget about how tired he had been from their endless schedule.
"Mmmh," Jaejoong protested breathily when Yunho broke off. Curiosity had turned into desire; the present was almost forgotten. "Do you really have to go?"
"I'll be back tonight," Yunho promised.
* * *
Twelve PM (Noon)
He keeps waiting for the end to come. Jaejoong figures that he's practiced the script more times than he can count. He can't hold anyone's interest. Yunho can't be interested. What's going on between them is strictly temporary and he needs to make his peace with that.When the time comes, he promises himself, he'll handle it with grace. It'll go down as the most dramaless breakup scene in the history of breakup scenes. Yunho's dumped more girls than Jaejoong can remember. And Jaejoong's been dumped in every way possible. It's been proven without a doubt that for whatever reason, he's just not worth any commitment.
Actually, they're both pros at this. In fact, Jaejoong doesn't mean to, but he overhears Yunho in the middle of such a scene right now. He aches a little at hearing the polite rejection in Yunho's voice, even if it's directed at someone else. He really shouldn't eavesdrop, but Jaejoong finds himself lingering in the hallway. The door to the room that Yunho's in is partially open, so their voices leak out.
"I'm sorry," Yunho says sincerely, "but I'm already with someone else."
"Who is it?" It's a feminine voice made sharp with unmistakable jealousy.
If Yunho makes a reply, it's in a voice that's too low for Jaejoong to catch, and suddenly he doesn't want to hear it at all.
He takes brisk steps down the hallway and tries not to wonder what was said. He tries to prepare himself to be on the receiving end of such a conversation. Jaejoong's not insecure about their relationship. No, it's worse than that. He's resigned for what he sees as inevitable.
* * *
One PM
"You know what your voice sounds like to me?" Yunho asks Jaejoong, who looks at him in confusion but remains silent.
"We're all singers, but you're more like an angel in comparison…" What's even more surprising than the words is the intensity with which Yunho utters them. "We can always pick out the threads of our voices in our songs but yours is always different. Clearer, brighter, impossibly beautiful…"
He actually believes what he's saying-it's not even a compliment to him, it's just the truth. That's what shocks Jaejoong most of all, but his perplexity and disbelief is hard for Yunho to take. He needs Jaejoong to understand his point. "Your voice makes everything else in the world suddenly not matter. Even when I'm depressed or frustrated, it just makes me want to smile."
Yunho rushes on because it's embarrassing to admit, but it's also impossible to deny. "And it makes me want to… I want to figure you out. I want to see where all this beauty is coming from, how those lovely sounds can come from your lips."
He reaches out and lets his fingertips rest on the delicate skin of Jaejoong's throat, his index finger tracing the bump of his Adam's apple. His hand trembles slightly and Jaejoong swallows hard-they both feel the movement, just as they both feel his pulse start to speed. It's not a kiss, but the way Yunho looks at him is terrifyingly intimate.
"Jaejoong, do you know what your voice does to me?" There are things that Yunho leaves unsaid, but Jaejoong can practically read the words in his eyes, in the way his lips softly part. It makes me want to kiss you, to make you mine. To possess the body that houses that heavenly voice. To find out what other sounds you'd make, in passion and in pleasure...
Jaejoong's familiar with desire and he's used to other people lusting after him, but there's a tenderness to this, a note of affection, that makes every teasing reply he thinks of die before he can utter it.
He's afraid his reaction gives away too much-Yunho wants him, but he doesn't really want him that way, and Jaejoong doesn't want to screw this up by making it seem as if he needs more. So he does the only thing he can. His hand closes hard on Yunho's shoulder to draw him closer, he flings his other arm around Yunho's neck to pull him slightly down, and then he kisses him.
For once, Yunho eagerly accepts what Jaejoong gives until they're ravishing each other's mouths, until heady emotion merges and gives way to the simple attraction that's always between them, just barely hidden under the surface.
When they finally break apart, Jaejoong leans his head against Yunho's shoulder, resting for a moment. It keeps his face hidden from Yunho and he desperately needs the moment to pull himself together.
"Maybe you're the only one who hears me like that," he says at last. He puts a finger to Yunho's lips to forestall the protest. Jaejoong's eyes were soft and full of emotion that he rarely shows. He doesn't want to break this from carelessness, but he feels like he has to say this, even if it makes Yunho turn away from him. "But if you were the only one in the whole world to hear me sing, it would be enough for me…that's what you do to me."
* * *
Seven PM
It seems like Jaejoong is a ghost these days, because he overhears another private conversation. It's supposed to be a teasing game of true or false. There's so much information about all of them, but half of it is generally outdated and the other half is the kind of stuff that they make up on the spur of the moment in order to answer some outrageous question.Normal people don't think about their daily routines or favorite things as much as celebrities are required to do. Sometimes, when Jaejoong's feeling most cynical, he wonders if his entire life can be reduced down to trivia questions.
She's a sweet girl, but her curiosity gets the better of her. "So…is it true that Jaejoong will date anyone who asks him to, as long as they want him?"
It's asked in such an innocent tone, but no amount of brightness can cover the ugliness of the question. What the words mean, of course, is: are the rumors true? Is your bandmate a total slut?
Changmin's voice makes ice seem warm in comparison. "How dare you ask that?"
Jaejoong has never heard Min sound so furious. The maknae's loyalty is touching and, he can't help but think, misguided. He leaves quickly because he can't stand to hear the argument that has started because of this topic.
It pours salt into a wound that he has almost forgotten was there.
--------
TBC
Please comment! <3
Sorry for any typos, etc. I haven't had time to beta.