Valentine's Gift, Part 1 of 2
Title: Valentine's Gift
Length: Oneshot (Part 1 of 2)
Author: ElveNDestiNy aka bloodredrosez
Rating: PG in Part 1, possibly NC-17 in Part 2
Genre: Angst/Romance/Smut
Background: Jaejoong's Twitter and all the recent events.
Summary: The most unexpected guest leads to the most unexpected gifts.
A/N: I haven't written anything about JaeHo for about two years, but I just had to write this. I also haven't read anything from the fandom in the last couple of years, so my apologies if what I used here has been done a million times before. Other people have probably written about it, but somehow the way I write my JaeHo fics (and get inspired in the first place) always mixes some reality with some fiction. Most of you probably know what Jaejoong's been writing in his Twitter and I swear, it breaks my heart sometimes to read his updates.
This story is pretty rough since it came from a quick burst of inspiration, but I think it's decent enough to share. I haven't decided how the second part will be - the way I have it written, it's NC-17 right now, but I might change it down to a PG-13. It'll be posted soon either way.
Valentine's Gift
February 14, 2011
* PART I *
He hadn't been expecting anyone, so when the discreet doorbell rang through the room, Yunho's head jerked up in surprise. For a moment, as he wondered if his location had somehow been leaked, he imagined the rather horrifying possibility of his home being surrounded by a crowd of obsessive fans.
That was only a small part of the reason why he hated this particular day. Shaking off the uneasy feeling that he was trapped, Yunho took a glimpse at who was standing outside and hurriedly jerked open the door.
"Jaejoong! What the hell are you doing here?"
True, Jaejoong was wearing a beanie that covered his hair and sunglasses that hid his eyes, but other than that, he looked completely normal. In other words, completely recognizable. Yunho's heart almost stopped at the sight and with a glance around, he realized that Jaejoong had also come alone.
"How did you even get here?" Yunho blurted out, his mind racing. Jaejoong's expression was hard to decipher, especially since his eyes were concealed. Whatever it was exactly, it alarmed Yunho almost as much as Jaejoong's sudden appearance on his doorstep.
For a moment, Jaejoong hesitated. He sounded almost confused, or lost. "I… I took the subway. Then I walked."
Yunho could feel the blood draining from his face. "Are you crazy? You took the-"
"No one saw me," Jaejoong added quickly, almost wonderingly. "I just got this odd look from a woman because I was wearing sunglasses-"
Yunho couldn't stand to hear more. "Jaejoong! What on earth were you thinking, to risk it?"
Jaejoong flinched and Yunho suddenly realized that to be standing around in his doorway shouting at him was almost as bad as just strolling down the street. He looked around hurriedly, but thankfully his raised voice hadn't caught anyone's interest. There was no one in sight, but that could change at any moment. They couldn't afford to attract more attention, especially not today of all days, when there were probably legions of people looking for either of them.
Yunho opened the door further, but Jaejoong still just stood there despite the clear invitation. "Come in, quick," Yunho urged exasperatedly. He was too shocked to even think beyond that.
But instead, Jaejoong took a step back. Even with the sunglasses helping to obscure part of his gorgeous-and, at the moment, much too recognizable-face, Yunho could tell that Jaejoong was starting to freak out.
The full implications of what he'd really done was probably hitting him now. It wasn't just the subway trip or the fact that he'd walked around alone, with his face uncovered, practically inviting himself to get mobbed. No, it was the fact that they were face to face now, talking to each other. Yunho wasn't even sure what gave it away: the set of Jaejoong's shoulders or perhaps the way his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed nervously.
"I should go. I shouldn't be here," Jaejoong said, as if the words had been wrenched from him. He backed away even more.
"No, you can't," Yunho said sharply before he could stop himself, his mind already imagining the chaos that would break out if even one person recognized Jaejoong on the street or, heaven forbid, in a crowded subway car.
Without wasting any more time, he grabbed Jaejoong's arm and drew him inside. Yunho started to quickly close the door, but then stuck his head out to scan the area again for curious people. Thanking his ancestors that they hadn't been discovered by anyone, he closed the door and finally turned around to face at his unexpected guest.
There was definitely something wrong with Jaejoong, not that Yunho hadn't noticed from the very first moment that he had shown up on his doorstep. Even the fact that he had shown up at all was a shock. Right now, Jaejoong was still standing silently, his head down so that he looked as if he were looking at the floor.
"Did something happen?" Yunho asked. He swallowed hard as he realized, even as he was saying the words, how truly pathetic it was that they had come to this point. That the first thing he thought was that someone must have died or something terrible must have happened, because that was the only logical reason for them to meet again.
Only a meter separated them, but suddenly he was afraid to touch Jaejoong, even to get his attention. He took a moment to look at Jaejoong from head to toe, wryly noticing that even though Jaejoong was wearing mismatched clothes and looked like he'd gone through some kind of attack, he still looked positively unreal. As usual.
It was one thing to get used to that kind of impossible beauty when he was seeing it every day and when Jaejoong was accessible and full of life, doing things that normal people did: brushing his teeth, laughing at some dirty joke, drying his hair after a shower. The sudden memory of how his heated, silken skin felt made Yunho's stomach tighten.
Jaejoong was still silent. The only reason why Yunho wasn't demanding an answer was that his mouth had gone completely dry. It was one thing to get used to Jaejoong's magnetism when they were always around each other, but it had been months and months since they had even talked to each other. Even longer since they had met in person. And even longer than that since it had been just the two of them.
Yunho opened his mouth to ask again, his voice rough. "Jaejoong, did something happen?"
"Not really," came the uncertain reply, an eternity later.
And the worst part of it was, Yunho still knew exactly what Jaejoong meant. Had something happened? Yes, it had. It was only…well, everything. Even now, the meter between them could have just as well been a kilometer, because almost everything in their world had gone up in flames, and yet they were both still here, still living. Still struggling to salvage whatever pieces were left, for whatever future was left.
No, nothing had happened. And yet, the question was ridiculous because too much had happened.
"Well, at least come in and sit down," Yunho suggested at last, his voice sounding odd to his own ears. Jaejoong obediently followed him to his living room, but he didn't take a seat on the couch. Yunho sat down for less than a minute and then jumped up again, at a loss for what to do. Even Jaejoong realized this, despite whatever was going on in his head that had made him be so utterly reckless. Yunho could barely believe he had made it here in one piece without being recognized. The thought of Jaejoong walking around the streets, alone and with his face uncovered, sent ice down Yunho's spine.
"I'm sorry," Jaejoong said quietly, sick and miserable. "You probably have someone coming over. I just…" His voice faded. He finally sat down, head bowed as if looking at Yunho was too difficult to do.
Yunho couldn't stand more of this-the way they were so awkward with each other, the chasm that seemed to separate them even when they were in the same room, and most of all, the lack of other people between them, so that they could at least pretend. But if he really wanted them to continue playing their parts, then why did he have the urge to rip the sunglasses off from Jaejoong's face?
Unable to stop himself, Yunho crossed the space between them in a few steps and did almost exactly that. But his hands were gentle as he removed the sunglasses and his fingers never touched Jaejoong's skin.
Jaejoong looked up at him instinctively, blinking a few times as he adjusted to the brighter light. Something in Yunho's chest clenched hard at the oh-so-familiar way that Jaejoong did something so completely ordinary. The innocent way Jaejoong closed both of his eyes, even when he was trying to wink, the way his eyes would open again slowly, somehow reminding Yunho of a cat.
But what really caught Yunho's attention was how Jaejoong's dark eyes were tired and red rimmed, as if he had been crying or had spent many sleepless nights. Yunho had assumed that the sunglasses were just part of the meager disguise that Jaejoong had at least had the forethought to use before going to the subway. The important thing was, Jaejoong could have taken off the sunglasses as soon as he'd come inside, but he hadn't.
Looking at him, Yunho knew that Jaejoong hadn't just forgotten. He knew perfectly well how terrible he looked and had tried to hide the biggest giveaway: his eyes. Yunho tried to keep the shock from his expression, but he must not have been successful, judging by the way Jaejoong's shoulders slumped.
"I should leave," he repeated again dully. "Your date should be here soon." The sky outside was indeed a fiery orange red with the colors of the sunset, and Jaejoong looked at the window briefly, and then down at his tightly clasped hands.
Yunho could have reassured him. There was no romantic dinner planned at all. He could have told the truth and said there's no one I'm going to be with or even just left it at something simpler, like no one is coming here. He looked at Jaejoong and there were so many other things he could say and so many things he wanted to say. All the questions he hadn't ever asked flashed through his mind in a jumble of thoughts and emotions. Was leaving worth it, Jaejoong?
Did we make the right choices? Did it have to turn out this way?
But Yunho didn't ask anything at all. It was simply too late for all those regrets and for second-guessing what they had each chosen.
As if Jaejoong had read his mind, dark eyes lifted to meet his. Jaejoong stood up, his eyes never breaking the gaze. Whatever other conflicted emotions there might have been, there was only sincere and drowning regret in those orbs now. "I'm sorry for bothering you. I'm really sorry, Yunho."
He turned quickly in the direction of the door and just like that, something snapped in Yunho with all the unexpected force of a breaking rubber band. His hand darted out to encircle Jaejoong's wrist and the touch froze them both in their tracks.
Yunho wasn't sure what he was trying to do. To ask Jaejoong to please stay? Or perhaps he was going to present some logical arguments about how Jaejoong couldn't leave now, not the way he was. If they tried to arrange some kind of secure transportation, then there would be speculation in everyone's eyes and the inevitable rumors would explode.
Of course, Jaejoong just had to pick this day, of all days, which would make everything a hundred times worse. Yunho meant to tell Jaejoong to stay put until they could figure out what was the best thing to do in this situation. Instead, what he did say was completely different.
"Aren't we friends anymore, Jaejoong?" he asked softly. There was an edge of pain and desperation to the words that he hated. He didn't want to sound so lost, so…needy.
But the succession of empty holidays passed through his mind, the suppressed feelings of too many days suddenly flooding him. Christmas, New Year's, Jaejoong's birthday, the Lunar New Year, Yunho's own birthday... All the bright lights and cakes, the commercialized gifts and festivities marking what was in truth a lonely procession of hours, days, weeks months.
A picture of Jaejoong, crouching on the floor and looking out of a window, alone during Christmas. A stream of other pictures to show the affection he showered on Jiji, until Yunho just wanted to shoot himself for somehow feeling so jealous of a damned cat. The accusation mingled with the plea a few weeks later. Do you know how hard it was for me to send those texts?
"Aren't we anything anymore?" Yunho whispered. He was holding on too tightly and could almost feel the bones of Jaejoong's wrist grinding together under the pressure of his fingers. Any moment now, he expected Jaejoong to wrench out of his grip or yell at him for it. Any moment now, surely Jaejoong would show some sign of pain.
Or was it that those dark eyes simply couldn’t show any more pain because this was nothing compared to what they had really done to each other?
"You were the one who didn't want this," Jaejoong said, his eyes shining. "You were the one who didn't want any contact from us. Or maybe just from me."
As Yunho stared at Jaejoong, all he could remember was something that he'd read once. Something that Jaejoong, ironically, had shown him. It had been one of those postcard pictures, with a caption: They say that a relationship is like a rubber band. The one who gets hurt is the one who holds on.
He was going to break Jaejoong's wrist at this rate but still Jaejoong didn't say anything. There was a spark of something in his eyes now-not pain, but some dark response that almost welcomed the pain, that saw it as almost some kind of triumph. It was defiance, Yunho realized suddenly.
Jaejoong was daring him to deny his existence. Jaejoong had come here and had come here alone, no matter how crazy it all was, to face him. It was the only way that Yunho would have acknowledged him. He had come here in a way that no one in the world would know for sure where he had been, or if they had seen each other.
"I should go," Jaejoong said, the slight catch in his voice the only indication that he was under what had to be excruciating pain. "I just had to see you, Yunho. Just once."
His eyes begged Yunho for understanding and forgiveness, and Yunho did understand. Because no matter how many rubber bands broke between them, Jaejoong wasn't going to ever let go first.
- TBC -
Note: It's been about a week since I posted both parts, but the second part is NC-17 so please look at the first post on this livejournal about my f-locking policy for NC-17 things :)