Episode LXI: Doors Closing
The conversation had happened more than two weeks ago, but it was still fresh in her mind. To say that Dutchy was pleased with her revelation would be dishonest. She hadn't been thrilled with the news; she was worried, she was certain that Sartori was just being Sartori, she was sure that any relationship between him and her daughter would end badly, that it would hurt her. It was all she could do to listen silently. Persephony didn't want to think much on the matter. There was nothing there, and she didn't know if she wanted there to be something. Still adamant that it would be better to be his friend, her conscience told her that it was wrong to entertain those thoughts at all.
But at the same time, Dutchy was less than flattering towards him, as well, which left her disquieted in spirit. Her mind wouldn't let her ignore the negative things and warnings her mother told her, but her heart wouldn't let her believe them. She couldn't, just couldn't. 'I can't let myself believe it, not without knowing what he thinks, as well.'
She liked to think she was starting to understand him... or, that she could understand him as well as most could ever hope to understand him. He was random, but that made him who he was, gave him that element that defined him so well. She wanted to say that she at least could start to predict his actions, 'but even that's a lie,' she told herself with a giggle.
If a relationship were to develop, 'which it probably wouldn't,' she at least reserved the right to take a chance and try, 'which she wasn't sure was morally right to do,' and then if she got hurt in the long run by him, 'which wouldn't happen,' it was her own fault, and her fault alone, for taking such a risk. 'Which.... he is definitely worth taking a risk for.'
She shut off her conscience, getting annoyed as her mind argued for and against herself. But she knew which side would win, and by the next morning when she left to do a robbing sweep of the city, her mind had gone back to its normal, despondent, low-standards-of-happiness self. 'So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met?'
She refused to think anymore on the subject. She went about her business with a single-minded purpose, devoting all her energy to getting the things she needed to do done. She surprised herself in the end, finishing her run through the northwest edges of the city and supervising as a local undead contractor installed a sunshield in her new apartment, covering the large bay windows in a plexi-glass coating that he insisted would prevent the sunlight from burning her during the daylight hours.
She ended up with time to spare and nothing left to do for the day. She sat on the floor in the new place, facing the window, thinking as she tried to straighten her legs out in front of her as she did every day. She sighed as once again she couldn't keep her back straight up and keep her legs straight out across the floor without them pulling and aching too painfully, needing to keep them bent. Too much damage had been done when they were broken by Marcus, and she had lost the flexibility she used to have. She fought down the pain in the back of the legs, the lingering ache in the bones whenever she had walked too far in a day, or when they had been strained. She hated stretching, but whenever they ached, if she didn't stretch before she went to bed, she wouldn't be able to walk the next day.
She glanced over at the clock, seeing that there was still too much time before bed and not enough to do to keep her occupied. She was bored. Bored and lonely. She didn't want to have to face the disapproving face of her mother, Xeran was still in his self-imposed torpor, and unable to play with her, and she knew Mel was out for the night with Max, gone hunting for humans. She debated for a moment whether perhaps hunting would take her mind off things, but she couldn't find the strength to be hungry... Maxwell had commented that she looked paler, thinner, too, than her usual self, insisting that she eat more, but she just wasn't hungry. She couldn't find the effort worth it.
She heard the whooshing of a gust of wind behind her, and she turned her head up to see Sartori materialize in the middle of her kitchen, blinking and looking around. "Seph?"
She blinked, confused as well, and whistled from her spot in the living room. She giggled inwardly as he turned around, looking over the room as he left the adjoined kitchen area and walked over, trying to find her. The slightly dazed look on his face amused her, as he looked from where she was sitting on the floor in front of the window, a few feet from the couch. "What are you doing on the floor?"
"Knitting a sweater." She said softly, sensing something was amiss. He didn't know where her new place was -- no one knew yet. Which meant he had been looking for her, enough to teleport to where he could sense her in the city? "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," he said lightly, walking over and offering her a hand up. "Just wondering if my favourite little barmaid-in-training would like to go for a walk, is all." She shrugged, accepting his help up, and she went to grab her coat, draped over the couch beside her purse. She left the apartment with him, an awkward silence between the pair, knowing in her gut that something was wrong.
Finally a block away the silence was too much for her. "Okay, now really, what's up, muffin?"
"Spookie's been to a mage and had her memory wiped......" he said stiffly, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked, his face struggling to keep the nonchalance from hiding his true emotions. "Everything that happened in the last 6 months... gone. Just like that. Feels worse than when she hated me."
"Oh lordie...." she whispered under her breath, wishing for a moment that they hadn't left her apartment, knowing that there was chocolate in the cupboard and vodka by the gallon in the liquor cabinet. Then again, she figured that what worked for mourning girls, chocolate and pyjamas and lots of blankets and pillows and shoulders to cry on, might not work as well for the opposite sex. "Sartori, I don't know what to say..... I doubt there's anything I can really say to make you feel better..."
He nodded, still stiffly and forced, his eyes cast down. "It's okay, babe.... besides, how do you cheer someone up when they've wasted 6 months of their life over something? I gave up Renee... I gave up Dutchy.... I lost friends defending her, only for it to come to this."
"Start with chocolate....?" she offered, instantly kicking herself for the comment. "I'm so sorry, Sartori..."
"Nah, don't be. I'm not." He tried to shrug it off, but she stared at him until he became unnerved, and sighed. "Well, okay, I am, but I'm trying not to be." He laughed weakly.
"....... Okay, cause for a moment there, I thought I was witness to the worst bi-polar mood swing ever." She tried to laugh it off with him, but she couldn't, she could sense that it went so much deeper than just a quick laugh could ever fix. "You know... it's alright to be upset. It happens to the best of us, trust me. I was in the same situation for three months with Sacre, so I kinda know what it's like... though not on such a scale..."
"I know.... and I am..... but, I'm not used to being upset." He clenched his jaw slightly as he walked, his head still downcast, and they continued down 24th street in silence for a while. "I've already spoken to some of the splinters. It would cost me 165k to have her killed....."
She choked for a second, looking up incredulously. "What??? Would you really do that?"
"Probably not." He sighed, "But hell, she doesn't know who I am anymore, so why not?"
"Please tell me you're using that information to make light of the situation...." She frowned again, and looked down at the sidewalk as they went. "Wanna know what I think?"
"Of course...."
"I think that Spookie's weak for taking such an easy way out." She tried to keep her own hypocrisy from bothering her, and justified hiding her own memories on the grounds that she was slowly coming to terms with them, not just erasing them entirely. "That you're willing to actually feel this, and properly mourn those 6 months, says a lot for your strength of character; and I admire you for that."
"Heh, thanks...." he chuckled, a wry smile on his face preventing her from knowing whether he meant it or not.
"So, what mood would you like me to adopt in order to empathize better with you? Shall we both be mopey and solemn? I could be silly, if it would make you feel better? Hell, I'll power walk through the city streets butt naked singing "Me and Bobby McGee" if it'll help..."
"You already did that." He chuckled, and she remembered that he was right; she had done it last week when he was down about his divorce. She remembered the conversation to the letter, feeling her cheeks flush in remembrance.
"You!? Go butt naked!? In public!?"
"... Would it help?"
"You offering to go naked for me?"
".... Would it cheer you up?" She had asked, wincing slightly, unable to believe that she really considered doing it.
"Dutchy wouldn't like that."
"So? You want me to do it? Cause I will, I swear I'll do it, right through the halls of the RBC...."
It hadn't really been her to streak through the RBC halls, but it had been just as embarrassing -- she didn't know if he knew that it hadn't been her, but she wasn't going to bring up that she had used a glamour on a decoy to pretend it really was herself. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
"I still can't believe I did that.... what lengths I go to..." she mumbled, her face glowing in embarrassment.
"Neither can I.... I was so shocked, you, of all people..." he mussed her hair playfully, grinning for a moment as he ran the backs of his fingers over her cheek. "It really did make my day, though... thank you."
She smiled softly, looking down to hide the blush rising in her cheeks as they crossed the street. "Well.... the mortification was worth it, if it made you happier... or at least, distracted. Though I was aiming for both." His light laughter was proof enough that it had worked, "Though if even for 5 minutes of solid hysterical laughter, it cheered you up, then I'm glad. You did feel better, then... right?"
"Babe, you have no idea how much that brightened my day...."
"Woohoo! Then another satisfied customer." His step faltered slightly, and a moment later she realized what could have been taken from context. "Oh, fuck, that came out wrong!"
"Yeah, just a little... I just didn't want to make a comment on it." He grinned for a second.
"Yeah, I should just stop talking in public." She giggled slightly, hoping that his mood was lightened, but in the momentary lapse of conversation, it seemed that the weight returned to his shoulders, and the smile he had just had on his face had turned to a sad one, before it disappeared entirely. "Well... is there anything I can do to cheer you up again? I don't like seeing you sad..."
"Nahh, its okay, hun. Not really in the mood for much of anything right now."
"Not even the duck joke?" She asked, and felt her face fall when he shook his head. "But dude... you love the duck joke..."
"I'm sorry, babe... I'm all down and stuff and I feel like I'm dragging you down with me." His face again resumed its previous expression of sorrow, and she tentatively reached her hand over, slipping it into his pocket and holding his hand.
"Sartori, if you're sad, I'm sad, and will do everything in my power to cheer you up again. That's what friends and family do. You don't have to worry about dragging me down -- if you're sad, then be sad."
He stopped on the street, looking down at her with an odd expression in his eyes, and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly. Her arms somewhat awkwardly wrapped around his back, soothing down his back in an attempt to comfort.
"Awww....... I really can't wait till Christmas..." She giggled somewhat nervously as she rested her head on his chest, remembering the comment that had become more of an inside joke between them. A Christmas present.... he had joked that he wanted her for Christmas, but the joke had also come along with levels of innuendo that she was having an increasingly difficult time interpreting and understanding. Back when Spookie was married to him, it was normal to playfully flirt, but then there was the line, both knew it was there, and it was never crossed. 'But he's not married anymore,' her conscience reminded her painfully.
She pulled away from the hug, her face a mask of teasing. "Okay, I can't tell anymore where the line is drawn between being serious and just joking..."
"Does there have to be a line?" His question immediately drew her eyes back towards him, wondering whether the expression in his eyes belied sincerity or not.
"Uummm...... you mean 'can't there be both'? Or..." she stammered, looking down the street as she resumed walking, "cause I mean, don't you either have to be either one or the other? You'd either mean it, or you don't... well, I suppose you could mean it but say it in a joking way... oh my head hurts." She gave up her babbling, rubbing her forehead, confusing herself more.
"Well, I said it in a joking way......"
"Yeah, I don't think I know whether you meant some bits of it to be true or not...." She laughed, ignoring the feeling in the back of her mind that was slightly disappointed, and was telling her she shouldn't have gotten such an idea in her head.
"Doesn't matter. Moving on..." Chills wracked her as he dismissed her, and she wrapped her arms tightly around herself, trying to protect herself from the slight sting.
"So what's new?"
"Hmm.... lost a wife....."
"But you gained a.... ...... ...... ...... ..... crap."
"Mehh, I've gained freedom, I suppose." The darkness in his eyes faded for a moment, and he turned and poked her hard in the arm. "I mean, I can prod you now... see! I was never allowed to do that before." He smirked briefly, laughing at the irony.
"..... Has prod taken on a new dirty meaning that I am currently unaware of?" She blinked, wondering what amused him so much. "Ah, whatever, if you're laughing about it, I'll let it slide. Prod away..." She sighed, shrugging it off as her eyes started to roam around the street, looking in shop windows they passed.
"No, it hasn't taken on a new dirty meaning... though now it’s taken on a new dirty meaning..." She blushed brightly, wrapping her arms more tightly crossed against her chest, and it was clear from his increased giggling that he was just as amused by her embarrassment than the comment in itself. "Are you asking me to 'prod' you, Seph?"
"... Banana hammock." She finally muttered, falling back to her random topic changer. He only laughed more, knowing she would say that when embarrassed and had nothing more to say.
"Besides, that would be inconsiderate right after you get out of a relationship. Unless it was just angry, meaningless, shallow rebound sex." She looked away, her gaze moving to an antique store window, catching her eye on a beautiful music box. She giggled inwardly, smiling as the owner saw her interest through the window and opening the lid, the tiny dancer spinning and the old, tinny notes of Greensleeves floated faintly to her ears through the window.
"Wow.... I kinda never thought you'd ever say something like that..."
"........ Which part wouldn't I have said?” She asked, her eyes turning back to him, moving away from the window to catch up again. She’d have to make a point to come back here some day. “I'm assuming the latter.... well, I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. I know people do it."
"And well, I'll joke on, but I know I'm not going to get hitched with anyone until I know it's not just angry, meaningless or shallow reboundness. I've never done that kinda rebound crap, and never would."
"I wouldn't think you'd ever jump in that deep if that's all it was... if you married, it would be for love. I didn't mean to imply that you would go that route.... "
I could only do it as long as that's what it was, and both parties knew it.
"I don't think I could even then..... What if it changed? And one party no longer thought of it only like that, actually developed strong feelings for the other..."
"I dunno.... I guess I'd just rather know full and well what was going on, to prevent one party thinking too much of things... I mean, if it gets into something like that, okay fine..... well, alright, it's just a hard case... but everyone's different. "
He nodded, grinning, “You can say that again…”
“... but everyone's... different?” She asked, perplexed for a moment, before wanting to hit herself, “Oh, right, that's rhetorical.” She blushed as he shook his head, grinning widely in amusement. “Okay, so I'm not the brightest tool in the shed…….. fuck....”
“What?”
“Brightest CRAYON in the box, is what I meant to say…. or sharpest tool in the shed…. kinda both…. I just can't get ‘em straight.” Sartori laughed loudly, to which she rolled her eyes. ‘It wasn’t that funny…’
“Hell, I didn’t even pick up on that…” He snickered, and it was all she could do to keep from wanting to hit him one. Instead, she crossed her arms tighter, pretending to be cross, and blew a raspberry at him.
“Hey, don’t stick that thing out at me..... Unless you plan to use it.” He added as an endnote, winking down at her.
‘He can’t be serious… can he?’ She wondered, looking up at him bewildered. “.... and in that scenario, I wouldn't know what to do or how to do it, so I'm just going to withdraw said tongue.”
She blushed brightly, unsure of what else to say. She looked around the empty city streets, trying to find their location. When she turned back to him, his eyes were distant, trained across the street on a couple, holding hands as they went down the street. She frowned, wincing at the flash of heartache that was clear across his face as he looked upon the happy couple.
“Babe.... do me a favour,” He said suddenly, continuing down the street at a faster pace, and she had to run to catch up. “Never fall in love.....” She hesitated in her step, confused, before moving forward enough to see his face clearly. “I've never seen anything good come from it....”