Episode LVIII: Need
She couldn't understand it -- her life had been decidedly simplified of late, and yet everything felt so complicated to her. There wasn't much she was involved in anymore -- the barest of clan duties, working through the city enough to reach a suitable stash so that she could afford to sever her sire Archangel (though she really preferred to call him Archidiot) in both coins and blood, the odd little hobby that she began, learned all about, and moved on from within a week or two... but despite the lack of actual events and achievements, she still felt as if everything was compounding on her emotionally, and she wasn't sure how to deal with it anymore.
She was coming here, to Sartori's grotto, more than any other place in the city nowadays. She thought that she shouldn't spend so much time here, that there were other things that she was letting slip past her that she should focus on. But it was hard to draw herself away, especially knowing in her heart that if she was completely honest with herself, she would only spend more time here, not less.
This morning especially, she felt the multiple pulls of where she was versus where she should be versus where she wished she could be versus where she wanted to be.
She was torn, that would be to put it lightly. She was here, now, sitting on the bedrock floor of the Grotto, looking out over the still waters, only barely moved from the waterfall in the farther corner. She knew that she should be at 'home', at Dutchy's castle compiling monthly records for the clan database, which Dutchy had been asking for recently and she had not gotten around to finishing. She wanted to be where she had thought her home was -- the home of months ago, back in the Silhouette house with Xeran and the rest of her friends, a place that does not exist anymore.
But most of all, the place she wanted to be was here, sitting on the floor of the grotto listening to the rushing of the waterfall in the background. The only location in the city where she felt as far away from all the other places as possible, and that she could sometimes forget what she needed to do, where she needed to be.
She didn't dare mention the rest of it to herself. That she liked here so much because of the person sitting beside her.
"I hate clans." She said dejectedly, sitting down and crossing her arms over her knees, her chin resting on them. "I feel... I don't know, called upon by loyalty and stuff to go back to the Capadocians..."
"Well, it's the best clan out there." Sartori said wryly, grinning.
"But so many things have gone wrong there... I'm going over everything in my head, all the stuff I told myself about the clan, everything I believed in weeks ago, the reasons I told myself I was going to stay with Cap... and I'm finding flaws in my logic... I think I stayed there before because I was too afraid to leave. "
"That's sad, babe... why should you have felt sad to leave?" She did not offer an answer other than a sigh, looking out ofer the water. "You can back away, you know, and should if you think you'll be happier."
"It just feels so final. I'd be completely severed from all the remaining people who at least put on the facimile of friendliness towards me... and there's only so many times you can kill yourself to get a vacation from things and come back afresh, right?" she laughed slightly, wondering if it sounded as hollow to him as it did to her own ears. "Now, I don't think I want to be there, and I don't think they want me to be there, either. Least that's what I keep telling myself; if they wanted me there, they would have come to get my body. If they wanted me, they wouldn't have waited a week, then believed so easily that because Dutchy came to get me that I wanted to leave in the first place."
"Babe.... you need to think about yourself. You can't run yourself into the ground; you shouldn't be there if you're not happy there."
"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. If I go back to the Capadocians, I run myself into the ground. If I leave, I bury myself."
"How do you bury yourself if you do indeed leave?"
"Because ever since I can remember, all I've seen is vampires betraying each other, lying to each other, breaking trust, cheating on each other - god, especially with their personal relationships. I don't understand how anyone that lives forever can fail to understand that eternity is forever -- they treat it like a week-long holiday. You say you're going to do something, you better mean it. I see all this, people breaking oaths to their clans, stabbing their friends in the back, spying, lying.... and I HATE it, more than anything."
"And what am I doing if I leave?" She asked, leaving the rhetoric open to the cavern. "I'm becoming all the things I hate in others."
"No, you're not... think about it, cause you said it yourself, eternity is forever. That's an awfully long time to be miserable, so why not be happy instead? If you're not going to be happy there... then go somewhere you will be happy."
"And go back on my word?" she asked, her heart wrenched outwards. What the hell was she supposed to do, when her own moral fibre told her to do something that she knew was wrong?
"Babe... sometimes you need to do what must be done in order for you to be happy... if you're not going to be happy there, then move one. For your own sake."
"I don't think either way I'll ever be happy. Damned if I do, damned if I don't." She curled around herself tighter, hugging her knees to her chest like she would a doll. "I don't know... I just know that, whatever I choose and wherever I go, alot of people will be disappointed in me. I can't bear the thought that there is someone somewhere thinking ill of me."
"I felt the same when I left Cap. But I'm happy now." He grabbed a handful of pebbles, skipping them over the water.
"You're so much different than I am, though. You've got friends everywhere who would take you in, I only know my family, the clan is everything I've ever known." She watched the pebbles as they jumped at the surface of the water, and picked up a few from beside her foot.
"I'm not all that much different." he said with a chuckle, grinning. "And I've already said it before, if you did leave, I would take care of you."
"Maybe if it was a little change, that would be enough... I can't help but be scared, cause this is too big for me." She stood the pebbles on the tops of her knees, flicking them off one by one and watching the ripples expand from where they landed in the water.
"Big things make big changes... maybe a big change is what you personally need?"
"I... I just don't know. The other option scares me, too..."
"So why are you staying then? What were those reasons?"
"You know, damned if I can remember them... I was stuck as a leader. My horoscope said it was an auspicious time for travel. I felt -- I still feel -- this bloody dependency to be needed by someone. I'm a masochist. I couldn't find my passport. I'd be leaving the only family I had ever known. There's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favourite." She sighed, dusting her hands off as she flicked the last pebble into the water.
"You need to be needed?" he turned to her then, one eyebrow askew in puzzlement. She turned her head, unsure of how to answer.
"Um.... yeah?"
"Needed by who?"
"Anyone." She sighed again, and leaned back against the rock face. "I want to feel useful, like at least someone wants me there. I guess I'm just too afraid of being alone again."
"You won't..." he said quietly, and she turned her head to make sure he had really spoken. "You might fight with Dutchy, and Cap might not be there all the time... but you'll never be alone." His arm wrapped around her shoulder, and she relaxed a little, letting her head fall onto his shoulder dejectedly. "I'll make sure you're never alone again... I can promise you that." He said quietly, placing a kiss on her forehead.
"I'd like that," she whispered. It sounded so simple, but was it?
She was coming here, to Sartori's grotto, more than any other place in the city nowadays. She thought that she shouldn't spend so much time here, that there were other things that she was letting slip past her that she should focus on. But it was hard to draw herself away, especially knowing in her heart that if she was completely honest with herself, she would only spend more time here, not less.
This morning especially, she felt the multiple pulls of where she was versus where she should be versus where she wished she could be versus where she wanted to be.
She was torn, that would be to put it lightly. She was here, now, sitting on the bedrock floor of the Grotto, looking out over the still waters, only barely moved from the waterfall in the farther corner. She knew that she should be at 'home', at Dutchy's castle compiling monthly records for the clan database, which Dutchy had been asking for recently and she had not gotten around to finishing. She wanted to be where she had thought her home was -- the home of months ago, back in the Silhouette house with Xeran and the rest of her friends, a place that does not exist anymore.
But most of all, the place she wanted to be was here, sitting on the floor of the grotto listening to the rushing of the waterfall in the background. The only location in the city where she felt as far away from all the other places as possible, and that she could sometimes forget what she needed to do, where she needed to be.
She didn't dare mention the rest of it to herself. That she liked here so much because of the person sitting beside her.
"I hate clans." She said dejectedly, sitting down and crossing her arms over her knees, her chin resting on them. "I feel... I don't know, called upon by loyalty and stuff to go back to the Capadocians..."
"Well, it's the best clan out there." Sartori said wryly, grinning.
"But so many things have gone wrong there... I'm going over everything in my head, all the stuff I told myself about the clan, everything I believed in weeks ago, the reasons I told myself I was going to stay with Cap... and I'm finding flaws in my logic... I think I stayed there before because I was too afraid to leave. "
"That's sad, babe... why should you have felt sad to leave?" She did not offer an answer other than a sigh, looking out ofer the water. "You can back away, you know, and should if you think you'll be happier."
"It just feels so final. I'd be completely severed from all the remaining people who at least put on the facimile of friendliness towards me... and there's only so many times you can kill yourself to get a vacation from things and come back afresh, right?" she laughed slightly, wondering if it sounded as hollow to him as it did to her own ears. "Now, I don't think I want to be there, and I don't think they want me to be there, either. Least that's what I keep telling myself; if they wanted me there, they would have come to get my body. If they wanted me, they wouldn't have waited a week, then believed so easily that because Dutchy came to get me that I wanted to leave in the first place."
"Babe.... you need to think about yourself. You can't run yourself into the ground; you shouldn't be there if you're not happy there."
"The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. If I go back to the Capadocians, I run myself into the ground. If I leave, I bury myself."
"How do you bury yourself if you do indeed leave?"
"Because ever since I can remember, all I've seen is vampires betraying each other, lying to each other, breaking trust, cheating on each other - god, especially with their personal relationships. I don't understand how anyone that lives forever can fail to understand that eternity is forever -- they treat it like a week-long holiday. You say you're going to do something, you better mean it. I see all this, people breaking oaths to their clans, stabbing their friends in the back, spying, lying.... and I HATE it, more than anything."
"And what am I doing if I leave?" She asked, leaving the rhetoric open to the cavern. "I'm becoming all the things I hate in others."
"No, you're not... think about it, cause you said it yourself, eternity is forever. That's an awfully long time to be miserable, so why not be happy instead? If you're not going to be happy there... then go somewhere you will be happy."
"And go back on my word?" she asked, her heart wrenched outwards. What the hell was she supposed to do, when her own moral fibre told her to do something that she knew was wrong?
"Babe... sometimes you need to do what must be done in order for you to be happy... if you're not going to be happy there, then move one. For your own sake."
"I don't think either way I'll ever be happy. Damned if I do, damned if I don't." She curled around herself tighter, hugging her knees to her chest like she would a doll. "I don't know... I just know that, whatever I choose and wherever I go, alot of people will be disappointed in me. I can't bear the thought that there is someone somewhere thinking ill of me."
"I felt the same when I left Cap. But I'm happy now." He grabbed a handful of pebbles, skipping them over the water.
"You're so much different than I am, though. You've got friends everywhere who would take you in, I only know my family, the clan is everything I've ever known." She watched the pebbles as they jumped at the surface of the water, and picked up a few from beside her foot.
"I'm not all that much different." he said with a chuckle, grinning. "And I've already said it before, if you did leave, I would take care of you."
"Maybe if it was a little change, that would be enough... I can't help but be scared, cause this is too big for me." She stood the pebbles on the tops of her knees, flicking them off one by one and watching the ripples expand from where they landed in the water.
"Big things make big changes... maybe a big change is what you personally need?"
"I... I just don't know. The other option scares me, too..."
"So why are you staying then? What were those reasons?"
"You know, damned if I can remember them... I was stuck as a leader. My horoscope said it was an auspicious time for travel. I felt -- I still feel -- this bloody dependency to be needed by someone. I'm a masochist. I couldn't find my passport. I'd be leaving the only family I had ever known. There's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favourite." She sighed, dusting her hands off as she flicked the last pebble into the water.
"You need to be needed?" he turned to her then, one eyebrow askew in puzzlement. She turned her head, unsure of how to answer.
"Um.... yeah?"
"Needed by who?"
"Anyone." She sighed again, and leaned back against the rock face. "I want to feel useful, like at least someone wants me there. I guess I'm just too afraid of being alone again."
"You won't..." he said quietly, and she turned her head to make sure he had really spoken. "You might fight with Dutchy, and Cap might not be there all the time... but you'll never be alone." His arm wrapped around her shoulder, and she relaxed a little, letting her head fall onto his shoulder dejectedly. "I'll make sure you're never alone again... I can promise you that." He said quietly, placing a kiss on her forehead.
"I'd like that," she whispered. It sounded so simple, but was it?