the depression story.
this was written a long time ago. i re-read a lot of my old memories today. its wierd, i dont write with such conviction and passion anymore. i recommend reading my memories. im proud of them.
count each star, know each place where it sleeps.
"there is a person inside that loves and questions synthetic seratonin"
depression is like alcoholisim. you get up, and the you come right back down. depression is like alcoholisim, without the alcohol. seratonin in this case, is the defective that manipulates mind, body, and soul, and kills you slowly. and then good happens. you feel guilty for being happy. and you try to end it. and then bad happens and you hate it and love it. and you constantly dream about being hit by cars and being shattered by bullets and being drained of all life completely. but it doesnt make it better and it doesnt mean you are going to do it. it brings satisfaction, to know you are capable of ultimate self destruction. and then you begin to think that destruction is all you know how to do. no, rather, that destruction is the purpose of everything. with your feet in the air and your head on the ground. you say silently 'drown'. but in your mind, no consequences happen. con-sequence: the act of negative results of a past action.
and you take anything into you. you smoke cigarettes. bring a cloud into you as well as expelling one seems clean. and you take all that you can into you. wind, trees, window panes, ink, colours, ocean, salt, souls. the destruction also comes, even from things that do not harm.
i wish i could be more intimate with fire. i wish i could become more intimate with everything. even in pain, its just far too beautiful. even sin has a place, for without north, there couldnt be south. if the sun never set, it could not rise. but if i get to close, the fire will consume. if i give up completely, it will all consume me, mixing with all the atoms and particles that come together to form that which is specificly me. but, would it be so awful? heartbreak wont feel so bad when it happens again, and it will happen again. but you cannot have anything if you do not begin. so see everything as from another woman's point of view- do not take it back. see everything that exists, for if you don't view it, do you know positively that it exists? oh how i care. to awaken. to bring back ancient feelings that are buried deep beneath the floorboards. its not a joke, because eventually, it will all take your life and mine. each and every thing that lives and breathes and sits upon this dirty earth will take away your soul. so live in every moment, and let it lace its fingers through your hair. refuse to leave while you can. fear it the most, but live without fear. its stellar and secular, and it will someday scrape you off of this place like a rotted mess upon the ground. so love it to the fullest, expecrience everyone to the fullest capacity. fly.
it is too overwhelmind and exciting. to breathe the air in is so spectacular that i am astonished that i do not die a thousand times of a heart attack. heartbreak. its too fast, it spins and changes and rolls and melts to whatever force completes it. its just you and the universe. uni-verse: one song.
its such a good story to tell. wide-eyed and bursting. so tell it to everyone, make sure they don't forget. this is the story of our life.
count each star, know each place where it sleeps.
"there is a person inside that loves and questions synthetic seratonin"
depression is like alcoholisim. you get up, and the you come right back down. depression is like alcoholisim, without the alcohol. seratonin in this case, is the defective that manipulates mind, body, and soul, and kills you slowly. and then good happens. you feel guilty for being happy. and you try to end it. and then bad happens and you hate it and love it. and you constantly dream about being hit by cars and being shattered by bullets and being drained of all life completely. but it doesnt make it better and it doesnt mean you are going to do it. it brings satisfaction, to know you are capable of ultimate self destruction. and then you begin to think that destruction is all you know how to do. no, rather, that destruction is the purpose of everything. with your feet in the air and your head on the ground. you say silently 'drown'. but in your mind, no consequences happen. con-sequence: the act of negative results of a past action.
and you take anything into you. you smoke cigarettes. bring a cloud into you as well as expelling one seems clean. and you take all that you can into you. wind, trees, window panes, ink, colours, ocean, salt, souls. the destruction also comes, even from things that do not harm.
i wish i could be more intimate with fire. i wish i could become more intimate with everything. even in pain, its just far too beautiful. even sin has a place, for without north, there couldnt be south. if the sun never set, it could not rise. but if i get to close, the fire will consume. if i give up completely, it will all consume me, mixing with all the atoms and particles that come together to form that which is specificly me. but, would it be so awful? heartbreak wont feel so bad when it happens again, and it will happen again. but you cannot have anything if you do not begin. so see everything as from another woman's point of view- do not take it back. see everything that exists, for if you don't view it, do you know positively that it exists? oh how i care. to awaken. to bring back ancient feelings that are buried deep beneath the floorboards. its not a joke, because eventually, it will all take your life and mine. each and every thing that lives and breathes and sits upon this dirty earth will take away your soul. so live in every moment, and let it lace its fingers through your hair. refuse to leave while you can. fear it the most, but live without fear. its stellar and secular, and it will someday scrape you off of this place like a rotted mess upon the ground. so love it to the fullest, expecrience everyone to the fullest capacity. fly.
it is too overwhelmind and exciting. to breathe the air in is so spectacular that i am astonished that i do not die a thousand times of a heart attack. heartbreak. its too fast, it spins and changes and rolls and melts to whatever force completes it. its just you and the universe. uni-verse: one song.
its such a good story to tell. wide-eyed and bursting. so tell it to everyone, make sure they don't forget. this is the story of our life.