How to use a Merkin:
Okay, so after investigating Anti_craft!, and finding out their entire issue is all MERKINS, I find this on the interwebs, and much hilarity ensued.
Clearly, this is a joke, but OH MAN AMAZING. Apparently, they gave a giant day-glo dyed mop to a friend with these instructions.
HOW TO USE A MERKIN.
"Confirm that merkin is the proper size before wearing. Use of an improperly sized merkin may result in paralysis or death.
"On first use your merkin may be stiff and difficult to attach properly. Do not be embarrassed to ask for assistance. For best results we recommend that four persons be recruited for this purpose--one to grasp either leg, one to apply the merkin, and one to act as lookout.
"Once the merkin is in place, it should be appropriately lubricated using light sewing machine oil, petroleum jelly, #2 fuel oil, or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter when on sale at Safeway. Do not use so much lubricant that it dribbles in the street. Merkin should not 'squish' when in use.
"Your merkin is highly flammable. Do not use if temperature rises above 73 degrees. If merkin ignites while in use, seek assistance by running into the nearest street and shouting, "I'M ON FIRE GODDAMIT." Do not panic. The number of people who die as a result of burns from a flaming merkin is surprisingly small."
Bahahahahaha
Clearly, this is a joke, but OH MAN AMAZING. Apparently, they gave a giant day-glo dyed mop to a friend with these instructions.
HOW TO USE A MERKIN.
"Confirm that merkin is the proper size before wearing. Use of an improperly sized merkin may result in paralysis or death.
"On first use your merkin may be stiff and difficult to attach properly. Do not be embarrassed to ask for assistance. For best results we recommend that four persons be recruited for this purpose--one to grasp either leg, one to apply the merkin, and one to act as lookout.
"Once the merkin is in place, it should be appropriately lubricated using light sewing machine oil, petroleum jelly, #2 fuel oil, or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter when on sale at Safeway. Do not use so much lubricant that it dribbles in the street. Merkin should not 'squish' when in use.
"Your merkin is highly flammable. Do not use if temperature rises above 73 degrees. If merkin ignites while in use, seek assistance by running into the nearest street and shouting, "I'M ON FIRE GODDAMIT." Do not panic. The number of people who die as a result of burns from a flaming merkin is surprisingly small."
Bahahahahaha