(no subject)
He got the glasses that he had talked about getting when we were together. He looks great. I find it impossible to hate him, but so easy to hate her. I guess because I never expected much from him because no matter what he was always choosing someone over me. Through it all I'm still incredulously addicted to him. I want so badly to joke around and chill with him like we have in the past. I want to listen to against me! and reel big fish in the car and sing at the top of our lungs. My time was robbed from me once again. Why couldn't I just have him through some normalcy? Why is it that any glimmer of a relationship that he and I ever had was like some dramatic episode? The only times we had together were in fairytale but when it came to reality I just didn't cut it for him. I just want him to remember that night in December 2005 when he told me he loved me for the very first time. We were a thousand miles apart both sitting in parking lots trying to escape our home lives. We both had significant others we didn't want to be with but longed for the person that was a thousand miles away. What happened to that? I know it was probably just infatuation; infatuation that resurfaced over and over again for nearly 3 years. I'm still that same girl from December 05, just a bit more grown up and wiser [slightly]... maybe the problem is he isn't that same boy. And I think that boy is who I clutch on to. I have this fucking delusion of my punk rock prince and he fit it; maybe its time I come to terms with the fact that it is just that, a delusion.
Friday night I went to St. Pete to go to a show with Chowda. He is so fucking cute and such a gentleman. I want to fall for him. He is so many things that I want in a partner, but also so many things I don't. He is a grown up version of that punk rock prince. I couldn't help but think when I was out how much Ben would have loved going to the punk rock show, those thoughts didn't really last long though. Mid way through the night Chowda still hadn't made a move so when he and I were bar hopping I kind of snuck my hand into his, and he thanked me. He had been trying to think of a way to do that all night. I don't even know how many bars we ended up stumbling into, they all just sort of became a blur. He walked me to my car around 2 am and gave me a good night kiss and then said wait and stole another one from him before he could run off to his friends at the pool hall. It was a really special night. I don't want Chowda to be rebound he is so much better than that. I don't want to get hurt by him either. I know a guy like him could make me finally forget all about Ben.
Friday night I went to St. Pete to go to a show with Chowda. He is so fucking cute and such a gentleman. I want to fall for him. He is so many things that I want in a partner, but also so many things I don't. He is a grown up version of that punk rock prince. I couldn't help but think when I was out how much Ben would have loved going to the punk rock show, those thoughts didn't really last long though. Mid way through the night Chowda still hadn't made a move so when he and I were bar hopping I kind of snuck my hand into his, and he thanked me. He had been trying to think of a way to do that all night. I don't even know how many bars we ended up stumbling into, they all just sort of became a blur. He walked me to my car around 2 am and gave me a good night kiss and then said wait and stole another one from him before he could run off to his friends at the pool hall. It was a really special night. I don't want Chowda to be rebound he is so much better than that. I don't want to get hurt by him either. I know a guy like him could make me finally forget all about Ben.