......I'm so blind
.....how could I've been so blind........to everything........I didn't pay enough attention I've should have pushed more but I didn't.......and I have to find out this late. I should have known when it happened. If your wondering why I'm babbling, it's the it's because I can't even find the words right now for what just happened. Tonight, I was in my usual moods complaining to myself how I don't have enough time to do anything anymore and how I can't seem to shake off these tired fits I keep getting. I went to see my dad about something and I saw my mom coughing for about the second week. They kept telling me she had a cold or something simular so I shook it off......but I noticed she was really bad this time. So I asked my dad again feeling a chill go up my spine as I did. A part of me wishes I hadn't. He got quiet which he rarely does (he's usually stright forward with his answers)....in that moment I knew.......I just asked him where and he answered her lungs. At that moment my body went numb and cold I merely just started to help clean without another word asking myself: "how the hell could these doctors have missed it.......after all that crap they put her through...........". I then started to go over all the things I did wrong.........I dunno out of reflex I guess......then I thought on my lord and saver and prayed to him as I worked. I knew I couldn't stand still anymore I have to do everything I can to make something of myself and to get back where the lord wants me to be........I don't want either of them to worry about me. I want to be able.....to take care of them! I don't want to..........no.....I won't speak it.....I won't. I'm a firm believer that a gift has been given to us to speak things into exsistence. I see this as a wake up call that I need to get out of my old ways and put all I have into what the lord wishes me to do.........I must no more sitting around I'm only sorry it had to take this to push me.....I shouldn't have come to this but it did and all I can do is press on. Forgive me.....some of you probably don't wish to hear such things but I don't know what else to do right now.......I just....dont.....