a higher level of love
Past loves, friends, and rivals have become just that. Memories imprinted on my mind, not to haunt me anymore. There are a few though that have effected me more and I cannot forget them. They are more than memories, but with faces fixed onto them. But I have finally separated those memories from my present day life. I can let them effect me no
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When you walk down the street I will ignore you. When you stand next to me I will ignore you. Not because I'm ignoring you, but because you are ignoring me. I told you I would. I just feel that telling people my actions can give them comfort. Let me tell you what hurt me greatly. I called you cause you didn't call me in about 24hrs, but yet I should have known where you were, and I get in trouble cause I'm just being posessive right? Jon calls you after just an hour and a half, and he loves you and wants to know how you are doing. I tell you cause it hurts me, and I'm shot down cause when I did it, it was just stupid. I knew where you were, but he didn't I guess. Fuck you! It's your caring that hurt. You will never understand that. You never will. I've explained it to you, but you never got it, and you never will. You want me out of your life. Then tell Austin to never speak to me. Tell Sparky to never speak to me. They are my friends I say. If they are not then they should tell me, and I'll leave all of you alone. I'm no longer apart of your life. What's next though? I don't know, nor do I care what's next. What will happen will happen. It's just too bad I already know what will happen. Take that like you will. You won't understand anyway.
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I do like to hear the truth, I hate when people hold it back or lie to me. But you dont just ell me the truth, you tell me things that are unecessary, just to hurt me or piss me off. The difference is that its no needed. You dont say things that are relevant to whats going on, you add in mean things that come from nowhere but your mind to fucking hurt me. You know you do it. Besides what is truth to you? I hear so many different things, nothing is concrete!!!
Hes called what? once. twice. because he was going to meet up with me if I was around. It doesnt even fucking matter why. You did it again and again even when I told you I needed time away and whenever you called it always hurt cause we kept getting into an argument and it made me want to stay away longer. You called me and we argued. Or you said something to guilt trip me.
Fuck you! Its your caring that hurt. You will never understand that. You never will. Ive explained it to you, but you never got it, and you never will......
I guess not. I do understand that, I did. Thats why I dont know why youre being quite the asshole you are being.
Austin and Sparky ARE your friends. So be a friend and dont bring them into this. Its not their problem. You can be friends with them, and I can be friends with them, and you dont have to be in my life. You havent been! Youve just been saying this stuff about me online still and it set me off once again. You being friends with them has nothing to do with me and vice versa. LEAVE THEM, ANNA, AND ANYBODY ELSE OUT OF IT. I tried to say that about Jon but you already fucked that up.
I see you still think you see all and know all oh great one. Your predictions are annoying and wrong. Of course some are likily to turn out like you thought. But you dont know everything!
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yeah I make predictions. When I do, I wish for them to not be true though. Also you said that one of the biggest reasons you left was because you felt that if it continued it would have gotten worse, and that we would not have been friends afterwards. I took that many ways. I took that as it never would have worked out no matter what I did. That was just one of the ways I took it. Wanna know what stuck in my mind. When you asked Corey online what she thought of me. She told you that I treated women horribly. That has always stuck in my mind. Now you know why I keep saying it. Now you know why i keep saying I'm a horrible person. I try to do nice things, and I end up just hurting people. You think I always do it to hurt you, but I don't. Believe what you want. It's what you've done this whole time.
Wanna know something else. You used my words against me first. The whole post using many things that I said to you throughout the relationship hurt. Why? Because to me those were the only words you remembered. Just the hurt, just the pain, just all of the things I did to you that were wrong. It's like nothing I did was right. All of those words stuck in my head. Wanna know why I haven't pushed a relationship that badly with someone else. Cause I'm so afraid of doing it again. I'm afraid of being that monster that everyone keeps saying I am. I don't want to believe it, but all of those words stay in my head. I feel that I just used you for sex and that was it. Those words made me feel like I raped you everysingle time. Yeah that's why I'm an asshole. It's so much easier to be one. I don't know what to do dammit. I'm more knew about this then you are. No one showed me what to do. They left me, and I left them so rarely cause I thought I was just doing them harm. I didn't leave you cause I didn't know that. I was just trying to make you fucking happy dammit, but it's my caring that hurt you the most.
I read Corey's last post out of the whim again. I'm causing so much crap in the house, so why be around? Why be friends? I have three people against me, and the other two are caught in the middle. Why put them through all of it. I'm still going to hang out with them, but I feel that you, Jon, and Corey are no longer my friends. Jon isn't cause I told him that I couldn't for now. I explained to him, but he said fuck me, so there. Corey? I'm so sick and tired of going back and forth with her. I feel like she wants to be my friend, then it changes all of a sudden. I'm tired of getting my hopes up. With her I'll still wait. She wants to talk and i told her to talk to me when she's ready. It's all I can do now. I can't push this again. You? Like I need to explain that one. I said goodbye right? Yeah I did. I also said that if I'm wrong then to call me. That doesn't matter. You are right and I am wrong. Don't blame me for always being right. You have done the samething, and so has Jon. Also I'm sick of Jon saying you are still my friend, and that you care. Then you go on there and say no you are not my friend, and that you don't care. Yeah I do it too, but atleast I don't have someone else saying things for me. Just tell him to stop speaking for you. Also Jon was no longer my friend when he got with you. That is how it was in my mind. I just tolerated him. I couldn't stand to look at him. I was so angry. It just took a long time for it to come out, cause I wanted and thought I'd calm down, but he kept saying things when we did talk that really set me over the edge. They were things that he knew should have hurt me. Sound familiar? Jon was what I was to you.
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Why did you waste your time with me? I obviously didn't make you happy at all. We had to hide in the beggening for reasons, and then afterwards I didn't make you happy either. What was wrong. I didn't drive you anywhere? Didn't take you out enough? Didn't say I love you enough? Didn't hold you enough? Didn't listen at all? Didn't let you drink enough? Smoke enough? Laugh enough? What? You finally made a choice that you like in a long time. You are happier then you've been in a long time. That's going to make me feel how? Yes some people aren't made to work out, but then why were we friends? What made us good friends? What kept us together before? Some people don't work out, but no one has worked with me. No one. Who's out there that can work for me? That's why I did fuck buddies for so long. That's not a relationship. It's just sex. It's what I just did to you right? Now you know why I'm bitter. From the things that you said before I did. I felt that all I did was just use you. For company, sex, and just for someone to be there. It's like I never cared for you when I read your stuff. When it wasn't about me I felt it was cause it was stuff that you brought up with me. I was just like the rest to you it seemed. Just like what I told you. We were just dating our past mistakes. That's all I was, and that's all you were. We wanted comfort and we got it. I felt love for a friendship, but what is love to me. You and Jon have told me that I don't know what love is. So do I love my friends at all? Am I capable of caring? I don't know anymore. What people say I am is what I must be. I try so hard to be different, but in the end I'm just the same. Corey called me a monster, so did Boone, Jon, and countless others. All of those words stay in my mind. I try so hard not to do it, but in the end I'm just the same person. I use people for sex. I used them for comfort. I just use them for my own personal gain. You wanna argue that? Go ahead. You know it's true. I just used you. You said it in your post. You said it the way and thigs you said to me while we were together. I was just going to leave you and not care. Just throw you away. I didn't love you cause I didn't show it. Now the next time I'm either not going to care at all, or I'm going to care too much. What have I learned from this. Nothing. What could I have learned. With you I tried to be there more then anyone else in the past. I let you in my home. I let you in my bed when you knew you shouldn't have been because of my mom. I could have told you no once we got together, but I didn't. I didn't cause I wanted you close. I wanted you to feel that I was there. Instead I wasn't there, and I hurt you. Do you even know the pressure I was under for you to stay here, and have my mom not know? That was one of the reasons why I got so distant, so my mom wouldn't suspect anything. You had a room, and I told you from the beggening that you couldn't sleep with me all the time. How many times did you sleep in your room? I was getting up earlier to greet my mom, so she wouldn't walk in like on Easter. Do you even know how much I had to go through with that one? Do you? I his so much of what my mom was saying from you, so you wouldn't feel so bad. I took so much of the heat, and you got it too, but no like I did. I most likely told you to get out and go to your room in a mean tone cause I was fed up with having to hear it from my mom. You disrespected me. You got me in trouble. You couldn't sleep in your room for just a couple of nights a week? Yes it would have been hard for you to not be there, but it had to be done. I could have gotten kicked out cause of it along with you. Do you realize that?
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Still none of this matters to you. I'm just an asshole who used you and guilt tripped you the whole time. That's all I ever was to you right? That's why you were so empty for me so quickly. You kept talking to Carl for how long, or any of your other ex's? Me? You got so empty and fed up with me so fast. I must be a horrible person to do that. That's right. I feel like a huge monster for what I did to you. I pushed you away. I made you feel used. I feel like I did nothing but rape you. I hurt you. I guilt tripped you. I munipulated you. I did everything wrong. Who would want me now? The world nows how I am to women. Everybody knows. No one wants to date me. I've tried three times already. They've either heard about me, or it's because I'm so stand offish they can't take it. I don't know how to act anymore. Should I make them feel wanted, or should I not? Nothing I have ever done was right. I might as well say it again...Goodbye. I'm sayin it cause will we ever be friends again? My prediction says no. Now read the top again, and you'll understand that. I lost what I felt were three great friends. What I can't give any of you, you can give to eachother. You don't need me, and you never will again. If the thing with Jon ends, you won't want me as a friend. That wouldn't make sense would it? I have been drained from your body. There is a piece that is empty inside you where I once was. You won't fill it back up with me again.
Whenever I see you on the street I'll hurt. Whenever I see you in a cafe I'll hurt. Whenever I see you at club I'll hurt. In a car, and anywhere I'll hurt. Why? Cause I know I can't talk to you. I can't get close to you. Do anything. What's different from you and Breanna? You won't come back. She wanted to get to know me. You already know what I am. What's the point right? I might as
well be alone and not hurt anymore girls. Why hurt them? Why risk getting hurt over and over again my them? Being alone hurts, but it beats getting your hopes up.
I still care for you, and will ask others how your doing. That won't stop. I want to know that you're doing good. That will most likely stop soon, but maybe it won't. I just want to know is all. Have you asked how I'm doing? I doubt it. Why ask? I'm an asshole. That's how I'm doing to you.
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That post, those words I rememebered is not all I remembered, but I was very very hurt at the time and I do tend to remember the bad more. I wrote that as bad things that I woudl remember. They affected me most especially becasue of who they came from. I dont know how I could say it to make you or anybody understand. But I will never forget how much I cared, and all of the good things of it either, and that will always make the bad hurt so much more. Because the bad ended up outweighing the good, at least right now, at this moment. This past month. It has been killing me. I lost a friend I didnt want to lose and I dont know how I can be a friend to them for awhile. If it happens that I can again. It hurts because how much I cared.
Also, whenever, wherever I see you around I will hurt too. I do hurt. It makes me not want to be places I know you will probably be, where you might be. And that also fucking hurts.
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