A Plea for Guidance...
the past few days, i have been thinking. never good, i know i know.*sighs* so i'm going to put what i've been thinking about down here, and deal with the conquences of it.
i'm tired of just costing through life. i want something out of it, not to just be a part of it, but to gain something from it. i'm tired of fucking up in classes, but i'm not quite sure how to fix that sense i'm not sure if i want to contuine with them or not. i want a job, a good one. with regular hours, decent pay that i can live off of, and a boss that i don't constantly want to bitch slap. i want to do something that i enjoy, and that i'm good at. something with books, or helping people. i want to not be afraide to have my writings published. i have someone that i can take them too, and he'll look at them, and hopefully publish at least some of them. now, the only thing standing in my way of taking this next step, is myself and my horrible dread of failure. (which is still always present). i want to compleatly know myself. i've learned a whole hell of a lot in the past month or so, but i don't know enough. there are still too many times (in my opinion) that i don't know why i'm feeling like i do, or why i'm thinking like i am, or not knowing what it is that i really want. i want to be happy, not just content. i want to take pleaure in life, not just accept it for how i think it is. i want to change things, make things better, for me and for others. i no longer want to be invisuble, i want to be remembered for something inportant. i want to write, and have that be what i do for a living. imagin it, doing something that you love, being able to live off it, and have people appricate it...it would be amazing. in one aspect, i want a normal, healthy, productive relationship, but in another, i don't want to date at all right now. i don't know if i know enough about myself to do that. so i think that i may go back to my earlyer ideas/rules. the ones of no dating till i know more about me, and no sex for awhile. sex just confuses things, and i know i put way too much into it. i'm tired of just being...i want to have something to get out of bed for in the morrnings. i don't want my car to have a curfue anymore, i want my parents to trust me again. i'm tired of getting into arguments/fights with my mom, and never being home. i want to feel welcome at home, i want it to be a place i can go to, and not have any sense of...disturbance, unwelcomeness, or distaste. i don't want to be a fuck up anymore in my parents eyes. i want them to be proud of me, and accept me for who i am. i'm tired of hiding myself away because i'm trying to keep the feelings of thoes i love safe. i want to be able to dress like i want to, everyday. i want to be able to wear the make-up i want, and not have any thoughts of what i'm looking like hurting/upseting others. i don't want to censor myself, and my words, becuase i know that they'll bother someone else. i want to have the curge to say 'i'm me. if you like me for who i am, great. if you don't, fuck off' and compleatly mean it. i want so much more than what i have. but i don't know how exactly to go about getting it. in short...i want more.
part of me really really wants to erase this post. the part of me that tells me to keep everything to myself, because that way i can't hurt other people and they can't hurt me. but like i said above, i'm tired of censering myself to others, becuase i'm afraide of hurting them. this is for me. and just me. if you have a problem with it, i apoligse. but having it all in my head was killing me. i don't want to live within myself anymore. i want to be a part of things, and not just an outsider. so that's what this is. me opening up, showing some of my true self to you all, praying that the conquences of this won't kill me. in my eyes, i've given you all a lot of leverage to hurt me, hold against me, and use against me. i've opened a small door into who i am, and what i actualy think. i just hope that all my fears are wrong.
sweet dreams all.
i'm tired of just costing through life. i want something out of it, not to just be a part of it, but to gain something from it. i'm tired of fucking up in classes, but i'm not quite sure how to fix that sense i'm not sure if i want to contuine with them or not. i want a job, a good one. with regular hours, decent pay that i can live off of, and a boss that i don't constantly want to bitch slap. i want to do something that i enjoy, and that i'm good at. something with books, or helping people. i want to not be afraide to have my writings published. i have someone that i can take them too, and he'll look at them, and hopefully publish at least some of them. now, the only thing standing in my way of taking this next step, is myself and my horrible dread of failure. (which is still always present). i want to compleatly know myself. i've learned a whole hell of a lot in the past month or so, but i don't know enough. there are still too many times (in my opinion) that i don't know why i'm feeling like i do, or why i'm thinking like i am, or not knowing what it is that i really want. i want to be happy, not just content. i want to take pleaure in life, not just accept it for how i think it is. i want to change things, make things better, for me and for others. i no longer want to be invisuble, i want to be remembered for something inportant. i want to write, and have that be what i do for a living. imagin it, doing something that you love, being able to live off it, and have people appricate it...it would be amazing. in one aspect, i want a normal, healthy, productive relationship, but in another, i don't want to date at all right now. i don't know if i know enough about myself to do that. so i think that i may go back to my earlyer ideas/rules. the ones of no dating till i know more about me, and no sex for awhile. sex just confuses things, and i know i put way too much into it. i'm tired of just being...i want to have something to get out of bed for in the morrnings. i don't want my car to have a curfue anymore, i want my parents to trust me again. i'm tired of getting into arguments/fights with my mom, and never being home. i want to feel welcome at home, i want it to be a place i can go to, and not have any sense of...disturbance, unwelcomeness, or distaste. i don't want to be a fuck up anymore in my parents eyes. i want them to be proud of me, and accept me for who i am. i'm tired of hiding myself away because i'm trying to keep the feelings of thoes i love safe. i want to be able to dress like i want to, everyday. i want to be able to wear the make-up i want, and not have any thoughts of what i'm looking like hurting/upseting others. i don't want to censor myself, and my words, becuase i know that they'll bother someone else. i want to have the curge to say 'i'm me. if you like me for who i am, great. if you don't, fuck off' and compleatly mean it. i want so much more than what i have. but i don't know how exactly to go about getting it. in short...i want more.
part of me really really wants to erase this post. the part of me that tells me to keep everything to myself, because that way i can't hurt other people and they can't hurt me. but like i said above, i'm tired of censering myself to others, becuase i'm afraide of hurting them. this is for me. and just me. if you have a problem with it, i apoligse. but having it all in my head was killing me. i don't want to live within myself anymore. i want to be a part of things, and not just an outsider. so that's what this is. me opening up, showing some of my true self to you all, praying that the conquences of this won't kill me. in my eyes, i've given you all a lot of leverage to hurt me, hold against me, and use against me. i've opened a small door into who i am, and what i actualy think. i just hope that all my fears are wrong.
sweet dreams all.