I can not see the moon
Today I locked away my emotions and my back paid the price. It was just like this summer. I'm remembering more of it. I remember that i didn't just erase her i sealed up my emotions. So tight that each day after work My back would hurt so bad. And that truly the only one i felt safe around was small bundle of fur, called ash, her cat, hidden in her room. I remember that after being with jen for a day or having her spend the night i was so tired b/c it took so much energy to smile and yet at the same time i knew what responses to give to everyone so easy to know what was expected and the minimum that was required.
But i remember with kendall not only did i fear her, but i knew she could break through the seal i'd created so i could never let my guard down. I remember that now times when i'd be tempted to respond or to show emotion. I didn't just act diffrent b/c i'd locked away my memories of her, I acted diffrent b/c i also had burried myself.
I so want to do that again. But i've always wanted my friends to look at my death not for how i died but how i fought. Tonight. as i sit her topless (and comfortable o0) never happened before. I feel a painful peace between my shoulder blade as the night air brushes across my back. Perhaps it is b/c i'm watching the last samurai, my favorite movie. Listening to the japanese, the music that has moved my mood.
I am demon. Half. And when i see my Angle again. I will have earned the scares on my back. The pain. Each wound cut deep. Each a sign of anguish and overcoming. I will appear before her stronger. I will appear before her able to face the truth of her side and mine. Love her, hate her, fear her. And i hope that i will be ready to hear yes or no and accept either for their beauty and for sure the pain.
My back has hurt me for many years, it was not until my 3rd year that the constant pain faded (it was a pain that i'd grown use to).
The pain comes from restraining of my emotions, but for the first time i almost can feel the scares of what i'm going through. I think i might get a tatoo. I think i know for the first time what i might want on my skin until the day i die. She called me "Mine". have you ever had someone say to you that you were theirs?
When i see her gain i want to show her, the scares. Not to say you did this, but to say. Look what i over came in myself. For the first time. I think i know why i can't run from the pain of my memories, my thougths, or the reconstruction of events that i put myself through.
Susan do you think I'll ever get to hold her again. When i weight the pain of this summer (for i can not sum it up as just a fight) and put it on the scale of her life and mine. suddenly persepctive falls into place. And it all seems so miniscule in comparrison to being able to be there should she take sick, to knowing if she takes sick. To know if i'm dead, to be there during her wedding, a baby. when up against our lives. Doesn't the pain of a few months seem so miniscule. yet it is this pain that i can't get through. I can't just dismiss and place it under her and me. Did not what I go and have gone through mean something. is it all to mean nothing? that is what i fight now.
i want to be a half demon. for the first time let the pain in my back not be because of the strain at holding back my emotions but b/c of the madness of accepting them. I just hope it doesn't kill me.
your uncle
Trix.
But i remember with kendall not only did i fear her, but i knew she could break through the seal i'd created so i could never let my guard down. I remember that now times when i'd be tempted to respond or to show emotion. I didn't just act diffrent b/c i'd locked away my memories of her, I acted diffrent b/c i also had burried myself.
I so want to do that again. But i've always wanted my friends to look at my death not for how i died but how i fought. Tonight. as i sit her topless (and comfortable o0) never happened before. I feel a painful peace between my shoulder blade as the night air brushes across my back. Perhaps it is b/c i'm watching the last samurai, my favorite movie. Listening to the japanese, the music that has moved my mood.
I am demon. Half. And when i see my Angle again. I will have earned the scares on my back. The pain. Each wound cut deep. Each a sign of anguish and overcoming. I will appear before her stronger. I will appear before her able to face the truth of her side and mine. Love her, hate her, fear her. And i hope that i will be ready to hear yes or no and accept either for their beauty and for sure the pain.
My back has hurt me for many years, it was not until my 3rd year that the constant pain faded (it was a pain that i'd grown use to).
The pain comes from restraining of my emotions, but for the first time i almost can feel the scares of what i'm going through. I think i might get a tatoo. I think i know for the first time what i might want on my skin until the day i die. She called me "Mine". have you ever had someone say to you that you were theirs?
When i see her gain i want to show her, the scares. Not to say you did this, but to say. Look what i over came in myself. For the first time. I think i know why i can't run from the pain of my memories, my thougths, or the reconstruction of events that i put myself through.
Susan do you think I'll ever get to hold her again. When i weight the pain of this summer (for i can not sum it up as just a fight) and put it on the scale of her life and mine. suddenly persepctive falls into place. And it all seems so miniscule in comparrison to being able to be there should she take sick, to knowing if she takes sick. To know if i'm dead, to be there during her wedding, a baby. when up against our lives. Doesn't the pain of a few months seem so miniscule. yet it is this pain that i can't get through. I can't just dismiss and place it under her and me. Did not what I go and have gone through mean something. is it all to mean nothing? that is what i fight now.
i want to be a half demon. for the first time let the pain in my back not be because of the strain at holding back my emotions but b/c of the madness of accepting them. I just hope it doesn't kill me.
your uncle
Trix.