rant
So... It's been a long time since I posted anything here. I use myspace for most everything these days but since I have to rant bout someone I decided to use this forum since said person never checks here.
On the night of December 30th I had a long and somewhat heated discussion with my bf Troy.
For almost two weeks before that I kept waking up with this sick feeling in my gut which was almost always followed by tears that I couldn't explain. They form in my eyes even now.
On Christmas I talked to Troy about it. I told him I felt like I was losing him and that I was scared. That I didn't want to lose him.
He held me, made love to me and filled me with reassurances that everything would be ok.
On the 30th I was out of sleeping meds and had been up for the better part of three days.. I was weepy and yearning for sleep. Troy was up on the computer. I knew something was wrong but couldn't pinpoint what.
At 3:30 AM I asked Troy to come back to the bedroom and lay with me.
He still had his shoes on. That may seem trivial but after living with Troy for four years one thing I learned is that Troy never keeps his shoes on unless he has somewhere to go. I asked him to hold me, he did. I rolled into him and sobbed.
He asked what was wrong and I told him that I was afraid, that I felt like that would be the last time I held him.
Sometime between then and five I dozed off. I woke with a start at 5:52 AM and he was gone...
just gone.
I lost it.
Suffered a COMPLETE and total mental break. I did exactly what you're not supposed to do and made a few life changing decisions.
The next day I flew my friend Monica down to Colorado, rented a moving van and by the 6th was on my way back to Southern Arkansas.
Troy did email me to let me know he was back in Arkansas... I already knew this because I had logged into his myspace and email accounts trying to find answers and boy I found them. He had been planning it since mid December.
I told Troy that the only reason I was coming back to Arkansas was to try to reconcile our relationship and to please tell me the truth.
That if it was never going to happen I wanted to know so as not to waste my time.
He told me that he just wanted to know that I wanted him and didn't need him to survive.
So here I am sitting in my own place, which is very nice in alot of ways.
I am working a part time job, if you can call it that. They just call me if they need me while I wait for CNA classes to begin.
I took a medical withdrawl from college so I would have time to do the CNA classes without it interfereing with school.
I have been reduced to applying for food stamps and borrwing from friends just to make ends meet but I am doing it without him.
He took a long time to come around to talking to me let alone seeing me.
On Valentines Day he brought me the few things I had left in the car and my mothers ashes which I had left at his grandparents house by accident when we moved to Colorado. It was really nice. The first truely happy Valentines Day I have had in a while. We didn't do anything really special. We exchanged belongings. We talked for a while. We went and ate lunch at Arby's well, he ate and I had something to save for later. My nerves were strung so tight that eating wasn't an option for me. While there I came clean about my infidelity. The only reason I had lied was so I wouldn't lose him and now he's gone so why lie anymore? That was the theory i was subscribing to. We came talked some more then we watched a movie. While it was on I layed back into him, breathing him in, listening to his heartbeat and relaxing to the soft steady beat of his heart in my ear. I asked him to stay the night. He had made other plans with Adrian and was supposed to go get some mail from his grandparents place. It took a bit of begging which I am not to proud to admit but he decided to stay. We did make love that night but just having him hold me closemade everything seem worth it.. We talked about perhaps trying to start seeing each other again on a more frequent basis. Together yet apart ya know? Like I said, I kinda like having myown place and he has a sweet deal staying with his aunt.. When he lefty he said he was going to try to come back by the following day so we could catch a movie or somthing.
He never showed just sent me a one liner text about how he wouldn't be able to make it by and would talk to me later.
I waited three days before finally calling. He had avoided me online so I felt it was my last option. He of course didn't answer.
He did call back though a few minutes later....
I asked him about catching a movie over the weekend and he said he wasn't going to be off until Monday. I told him that may work just to call me before hand in case they had called me into work...
He then explained that him staying at my apartment had caused his grandmother to break down and cry so I asked him if he was going to stop coming around for fear he would make his gramma cry and he said he wasn't sure yet but it was something he had to consider.
That sent me right back over the edge of sanity....
This fucking cunt! I have never wished someone dead before.
She sobs once and it isn't even for troy it's for herself.
It's because she is mad that she didn't succeed fully in tearing us apart.
If she was truly worried about his happiness she would be supportive of him not base the way she treats him on weather or not he is with me.... She would love and help and care for him just the same weather I was in the eqation or not.
After that I sent him a text telling him that the ball was in his court.
That I wasn't going to try to contact him again that I would give him time to make his decision and wait for hid response.
I am prolly going to try to call him when I finish this though just to see if he'll answer.
I just don't know what to do.
I feel stupid for even hoping and even more stupid for sleeping with him. Granted, I instigated it but it was because I was foolish enough to think there was hope left for us.
I guess the point of all this is I am just wondering if it's ever going to end.....
The pain in my heart the emptiness in my soul....
I don't know if I should continue to try to talk to him or just let it all go....
Him, me everything.
I yearn for the sweet embrace of death.
Maybe if I die he'll care but sadly I doubt it.
I don't think he loves me anymore and I'm not sure I can live with that.
On the night of December 30th I had a long and somewhat heated discussion with my bf Troy.
For almost two weeks before that I kept waking up with this sick feeling in my gut which was almost always followed by tears that I couldn't explain. They form in my eyes even now.
On Christmas I talked to Troy about it. I told him I felt like I was losing him and that I was scared. That I didn't want to lose him.
He held me, made love to me and filled me with reassurances that everything would be ok.
On the 30th I was out of sleeping meds and had been up for the better part of three days.. I was weepy and yearning for sleep. Troy was up on the computer. I knew something was wrong but couldn't pinpoint what.
At 3:30 AM I asked Troy to come back to the bedroom and lay with me.
He still had his shoes on. That may seem trivial but after living with Troy for four years one thing I learned is that Troy never keeps his shoes on unless he has somewhere to go. I asked him to hold me, he did. I rolled into him and sobbed.
He asked what was wrong and I told him that I was afraid, that I felt like that would be the last time I held him.
Sometime between then and five I dozed off. I woke with a start at 5:52 AM and he was gone...
just gone.
I lost it.
Suffered a COMPLETE and total mental break. I did exactly what you're not supposed to do and made a few life changing decisions.
The next day I flew my friend Monica down to Colorado, rented a moving van and by the 6th was on my way back to Southern Arkansas.
Troy did email me to let me know he was back in Arkansas... I already knew this because I had logged into his myspace and email accounts trying to find answers and boy I found them. He had been planning it since mid December.
I told Troy that the only reason I was coming back to Arkansas was to try to reconcile our relationship and to please tell me the truth.
That if it was never going to happen I wanted to know so as not to waste my time.
He told me that he just wanted to know that I wanted him and didn't need him to survive.
So here I am sitting in my own place, which is very nice in alot of ways.
I am working a part time job, if you can call it that. They just call me if they need me while I wait for CNA classes to begin.
I took a medical withdrawl from college so I would have time to do the CNA classes without it interfereing with school.
I have been reduced to applying for food stamps and borrwing from friends just to make ends meet but I am doing it without him.
He took a long time to come around to talking to me let alone seeing me.
On Valentines Day he brought me the few things I had left in the car and my mothers ashes which I had left at his grandparents house by accident when we moved to Colorado. It was really nice. The first truely happy Valentines Day I have had in a while. We didn't do anything really special. We exchanged belongings. We talked for a while. We went and ate lunch at Arby's well, he ate and I had something to save for later. My nerves were strung so tight that eating wasn't an option for me. While there I came clean about my infidelity. The only reason I had lied was so I wouldn't lose him and now he's gone so why lie anymore? That was the theory i was subscribing to. We came talked some more then we watched a movie. While it was on I layed back into him, breathing him in, listening to his heartbeat and relaxing to the soft steady beat of his heart in my ear. I asked him to stay the night. He had made other plans with Adrian and was supposed to go get some mail from his grandparents place. It took a bit of begging which I am not to proud to admit but he decided to stay. We did make love that night but just having him hold me closemade everything seem worth it.. We talked about perhaps trying to start seeing each other again on a more frequent basis. Together yet apart ya know? Like I said, I kinda like having myown place and he has a sweet deal staying with his aunt.. When he lefty he said he was going to try to come back by the following day so we could catch a movie or somthing.
He never showed just sent me a one liner text about how he wouldn't be able to make it by and would talk to me later.
I waited three days before finally calling. He had avoided me online so I felt it was my last option. He of course didn't answer.
He did call back though a few minutes later....
I asked him about catching a movie over the weekend and he said he wasn't going to be off until Monday. I told him that may work just to call me before hand in case they had called me into work...
He then explained that him staying at my apartment had caused his grandmother to break down and cry so I asked him if he was going to stop coming around for fear he would make his gramma cry and he said he wasn't sure yet but it was something he had to consider.
That sent me right back over the edge of sanity....
This fucking cunt! I have never wished someone dead before.
She sobs once and it isn't even for troy it's for herself.
It's because she is mad that she didn't succeed fully in tearing us apart.
If she was truly worried about his happiness she would be supportive of him not base the way she treats him on weather or not he is with me.... She would love and help and care for him just the same weather I was in the eqation or not.
After that I sent him a text telling him that the ball was in his court.
That I wasn't going to try to contact him again that I would give him time to make his decision and wait for hid response.
I am prolly going to try to call him when I finish this though just to see if he'll answer.
I just don't know what to do.
I feel stupid for even hoping and even more stupid for sleeping with him. Granted, I instigated it but it was because I was foolish enough to think there was hope left for us.
I guess the point of all this is I am just wondering if it's ever going to end.....
The pain in my heart the emptiness in my soul....
I don't know if I should continue to try to talk to him or just let it all go....
Him, me everything.
I yearn for the sweet embrace of death.
Maybe if I die he'll care but sadly I doubt it.
I don't think he loves me anymore and I'm not sure I can live with that.