(no subject)

[bloodbeauty]

i looked in the mirror
i saw someone i'd date, a cute, slightly andro girl with punky green hair and big boobs

i know it's the body i'm in
but it's not me

i look down
the boobs are there, i can't get rid of them een under a binder that gives me pains and makes it hard to breath

i don't bind much anymore, it hurts, and it doesn't seem worth it when all it does is make me look like a girl with a B cup instead of a girl with an E cup.

i'm not going to pass until i get top surgery
i'm not going to pass till my voice breaks
i may get by on occasion, but not consistantly, not for people that know me

i'll be at uni in a fortnight
what will they see?
a boy with boobs?
a deluded girl called Julian?
a freak?

how many of them will get my name and pronouns wrong?
how many of my lecturers?
will i have the balls to correct them?

condom balls filled with hairgel
not real

what makes me real?
some crossed wires in my brain that tell me there should be a penis there? that makes me hope everytime i wake up that it'll have appeared? that this is a bad dream?

and it's never going to happen
not for me
maybe in my lifetime they'll get better at the surgery
but it wont be my generation
maybe the next or the one after
but not me

some days i just don't understand why it has to be so hard

i just want to be a boy
a normal, regular guy

i don't want to ask for help finding accomodation because i'm terrified of prejudice
but i'm going to

i read back over this and realise if i was a real guy i wouldn't be whining like this

i'm never going to be a real guy