(no subject)
god i feel crap
jenn is over the moon in love with jade which is great and i am really happy for them
i just wish i was being loved too
i'm feeling so pathetic and whiney and stupid
which i'm being
jenn keeps using the computer for hours then complaining when i'm on t for fiv minutes
i could understand if she shared her computr when mine was broken but she didn't
her dad's computer is sitting there, but she's rather use my laptop
grrrr
my moods are fucked up, keep getting angry want to hurt myself, think i'm seeing things
yestrday i was dizzy and the walls were moving
just want to hid and not go anywhere
at least i slept good last night, on my own in th spare room
jenn pounced on me for hugs this morning
i know she does care, i'm "her little skunky JuJu" which i'm glad of
i just wish i could be Julian, her partner, her lover, not just her pet
i know that's unfair, but it's what's going through my head right now
i want to be valued and appreciated
i want to be loved
i want my big daddy bear to come and whisk me away on his motorbike and hug me and fuck me and pierce me and tattoo me and make me feel like i belong somewhere
but that's the problem, jenn's family have become my family, and i don't want to leave
i want to belong here
i want home to feel safe and easy and good
this is the closest i can remember being
as they say "Maybe that’s all family really is, a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.”
i looked at myself in the mirror today and hoped i'd end up looking like my dad
to put in perspective he's the typical italian, short, fat, balding
i miss him