(no subject)
this is a rant, a major rant, most of the stuff in it is out of proportion to reality, but i want to leave it to show an insight into how i've been feeling. please don't take it as a bad reflection on people mentioned, they're lovely really, i'm just grumpy today.
i love jenn more than anything
i'm not trans
i never thought about it before i met trans people
hell i didn't think about it until i met jenn and alex
ok, i was kinda curious a RHS, but that was more as part of the LGBT spectrum than anything else, and i read venus envy, and a couple of other comics, but that doesn't count, right?
JUlian is my name, it feels right
Camilla sounds false, not bad, just not me
it's like someone shouting "Oi, Gary!" and expecting me to answer
i don't feel female, but i don't feel male either
in my head i feel more male than female
i feel both
is there any such thing as being TG and intersex?
can one transition to intersex?
well if you count it as a medical condition, no
it would be like transitioning to being a cancer patient
but if you count it as a gender?
but they don't. so i can't be
i'm just a fucked up girl with penis envy who hangs around with trannies too much
i can't have both, no matter how much i want it
i can be androgenous, mannish, femme of anything in between, but both sets of genitals ain't gonna happen. even if it were posible to grow a penis there isn't a surgeon in the world who'd do it for me.
anyway i'm not, i'm just being stupid
probably coz i'm upset and horny and my brain's in a whirl.
can't have sex because a small white lump has a ppeared just below the enterance to my vagina.
going to a GUM clinic tomorrow
it could be nothing, it could be a cyst, it could be another indicator towards PCOS, which could mean i'm infertile.
hopefully it's treatable
maybe it's cancer and i'll die and stop arguing with jenn
i know she hates alex so why the hell am i still friends with him?
because i like him
above and boyond my better judgment i like him and want to be his friend
she wants no contact with him? fine
why does that have to mean i have no contact with him? oh, yeah, because jenn's to paranoid to let me see someone without her knowing exactly what goes on, actually she'd rather be there.
this is why she hates it if i leave the room alone (i could text/call someone) which is why she looks through my phone every chance she gets and then has a go at me if i've been talking to anyone she dislikes.
she'll delete their contact details and any messages from them
usually without telling me
she does the same thing to my emails
she hates me to leave the house alone, which i did this morning
she phoned me, crying, because she was home alone, she's 23 for fucks sake!
i hate being cooped up inside for days on end
i hate never getting anything done
from tomorrow new routine
up, dressed, breakfasted before 9AM
make phone calls in morning tomorrow this includes college, Warrick uni, job people, make a doctors appointment...
go for walk (45mins or so)
lunch by 1
afternoon is, drop into job center to see about signing on
go to GU clinic
see alex (maybe, if jenn isn't in murderous rage)
go to park (if it's sunny)
dinner by 7
just that little bit of routine should make me feel better
i just feel like i want to go home
i wish i knew where home was
i love jenn more than anything
i'm not trans
i never thought about it before i met trans people
hell i didn't think about it until i met jenn and alex
ok, i was kinda curious a RHS, but that was more as part of the LGBT spectrum than anything else, and i read venus envy, and a couple of other comics, but that doesn't count, right?
JUlian is my name, it feels right
Camilla sounds false, not bad, just not me
it's like someone shouting "Oi, Gary!" and expecting me to answer
i don't feel female, but i don't feel male either
in my head i feel more male than female
i feel both
is there any such thing as being TG and intersex?
can one transition to intersex?
well if you count it as a medical condition, no
it would be like transitioning to being a cancer patient
but if you count it as a gender?
but they don't. so i can't be
i'm just a fucked up girl with penis envy who hangs around with trannies too much
i can't have both, no matter how much i want it
i can be androgenous, mannish, femme of anything in between, but both sets of genitals ain't gonna happen. even if it were posible to grow a penis there isn't a surgeon in the world who'd do it for me.
anyway i'm not, i'm just being stupid
probably coz i'm upset and horny and my brain's in a whirl.
can't have sex because a small white lump has a ppeared just below the enterance to my vagina.
going to a GUM clinic tomorrow
it could be nothing, it could be a cyst, it could be another indicator towards PCOS, which could mean i'm infertile.
hopefully it's treatable
maybe it's cancer and i'll die and stop arguing with jenn
i know she hates alex so why the hell am i still friends with him?
because i like him
above and boyond my better judgment i like him and want to be his friend
she wants no contact with him? fine
why does that have to mean i have no contact with him? oh, yeah, because jenn's to paranoid to let me see someone without her knowing exactly what goes on, actually she'd rather be there.
this is why she hates it if i leave the room alone (i could text/call someone) which is why she looks through my phone every chance she gets and then has a go at me if i've been talking to anyone she dislikes.
she'll delete their contact details and any messages from them
usually without telling me
she does the same thing to my emails
she hates me to leave the house alone, which i did this morning
she phoned me, crying, because she was home alone, she's 23 for fucks sake!
i hate being cooped up inside for days on end
i hate never getting anything done
from tomorrow new routine
up, dressed, breakfasted before 9AM
make phone calls in morning tomorrow this includes college, Warrick uni, job people, make a doctors appointment...
go for walk (45mins or so)
lunch by 1
afternoon is, drop into job center to see about signing on
go to GU clinic
see alex (maybe, if jenn isn't in murderous rage)
go to park (if it's sunny)
dinner by 7
just that little bit of routine should make me feel better
i just feel like i want to go home
i wish i knew where home was