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Ok, well at the moment I'm sat on the coach on the way back from Coventry. I'll post this when i get back, maybe.
I'm not sure i want to be a boy
but i don't feel like a boy
i kinda want to b a draggy, queer boy sometimes and a butch person the next
and other times just want to be this fabulous androgynous creature, with glitter
i guess I'll work it out
i still want to be called Julian
rather scared about seeing mum in person and asking for that
discovered rose chocolate at M&S
soooooo gorgeous, imagine Fry's Turkish delight without the jelly
that flavour but in good quality organic, fair trade chocolate
defiantly having a rose theme for my birthday, going to try the rose cupcake recipe out soon
i made more cookies this weekend and we watched kill bill vol 1
which i loved
i want/want to be the Japanese school girl bodyguard
hmmm, me in a proper dark blue school girls uniform with a nice large katana
i really want a nice big penis substitute sword
(back in London :-( )
so confused about everything really
not a man
never a man, maybe a boy
or a boi
today i feel queer tranny boi
tomorrow who knows
i also feel young
want to be held and taken care of
but want to be beaten and hurt by the same person
i want a daddy, not in the age play sense, because when i say/think daddy i don't think “father” i think leather daddy bear, big older gay man to hold and hurt
to take fists and claws to me and leave me with bruises and black eyes
some days that is what i want, not floggers or whips or paddles
i want it to be *real* just flesh and sweat and that real edge of panic that comes when you're being physically hurt
i want to call him daddy as he slaps my face and makes me bleed
i want to fight with someone equal
rolling and fighting dirty to try and gain the upper hand
someone who's not afraid of marks, or bruises, where i can let myself go and really hurt them, and be hurt in return
i want to loose and know I've lost because this person is physically better than me
that they deserve my submission because they've beaten me
i want them to pull me by my hair to meet their eyes and remind me that I've lost
and then i want to curl up in the circle of their arms and cry because i know I'm safe
and nothing can hurt me with my big strong protector there
i know I've been feeling violent recently
that i need to get some of this physicality out
been feeling small and young recently
which is bad
because it manifests in me wanting to hide
curl up in spaces just big enough for my body and stay there safe
there are dozens of places like this
terrified I'll give in and be found curled up in a cupboard or under a counter somewhere
i once got reported missing because i fell asleep under my desk at school behind my chest of drawers
we had cabin beds with a bed on top and a desk and wardrobe underneath, and a separate set of drawers, about a meter cube, which could slide under the desk leaving a space just small enough for me and a blanket behind there
me and Jenn were clinging to each other like terrified children in the night
didn't want to let go
but I'll see her again
there's something in my heart that needs her at the moment
and i know I've been bad and neglected Jamie
going to see him next weekend
unless college decide to be bastards again
going to make up for hurting him, like i hurt so many people, by being callous and self absorbed
bleh
i don't know anymore
so scared of fucking this up and it feels so new and good
scared it's going to go wrong because I'm an idiot
i love him
but being owned is scary
being in a proper grown up relationship is scary
I'm scared I'm going to be too immature
i still run outside in bare feet for the ice cream man
and squee over rose flavoured things
i want to dress myself up like a drag queen and have him tell me i look fabulous and mean it
but that's not who he is
if anything Alex is the most “childlike” of us
and i appreciate it in the moments I'm feeling childlike and fragile too
Jenn indulges me
and makes me feel it's ok to be little, for a little while
and she'll be childish too, if a little older and more responsible
I'm just scared Jamie wants me more adult
I'm scared of lots of things i guess
have to face them
well this got kinda long
guess i should go, restaurant tomorrow, wish me luck
and if you couldn't be bothered to read go look at this
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