(no subject)
today has been the shittest most gods cursed day i've had in a long time
i woke up feeling like crap
tried to pull myslef out of it, and breifly did
talked about sexy stuff with jenn
but that made me feel bad
because i have bad fantasies, and because i get horny and wet which just re-inforces that i'm female
my cunt aches a little from the weekend, i'm sore because i got wet and it rubbed, and i'm going to be bleeding from it in the next few days
YES THE FOLLOWING IS PROBABLY ALL JUST PMT I DON'T CARE LIFE IS SHIT AND I HATE IT
i hate not being a boy
i hate going into college and getting piss taken out of me by everyone, even the teachers
i hate not being able to turn around and be asked to be called Julian
i'm fed up with it all, going downstairs and getting a couple of packs of cocodomal seems like a really good idea
it's not, and i haven't got the guts to do it, but a part of me wishes i had
part of me feels worthless and pathetic and wants to be treated that way, wants to be whored out and abused, treated like the filthy little pervert that i am
and i feel guilty for wanting it
guilty because it's not entirely fantasy
i do feel worthless
and reinforcing that is probably a bad idea
but damn i want pain
pure simple brutal pain
i want to be flogged till i scream
till i can let go completely
i just feel empty
this hollow female shell walking around
this is not who i am
I am Julian
I enjoy dirty kinky sex
I belong to Master Jamie
my fantasies do not control me
other people do not control me
I am His
I will be a good boy
I will be His little whore
His little boymouse
I will not go crazy
10 days till easter, that's all
i can last 10 days
i have to be able to last 10 days
i scared the girls at college with my marks
i scare everyone because i am a freak
they stare at me, they all do, they know i am not right
that i don't belong here
i hate this all so much at the moment
grandma is angry because i didn't get home till 8PM and didn't want dinner
(beef stew, luke warm, with a skin on it from being kept in the oven)
everyone is angry about something
have to remember it's not long
i woke up feeling like crap
tried to pull myslef out of it, and breifly did
talked about sexy stuff with jenn
but that made me feel bad
because i have bad fantasies, and because i get horny and wet which just re-inforces that i'm female
my cunt aches a little from the weekend, i'm sore because i got wet and it rubbed, and i'm going to be bleeding from it in the next few days
YES THE FOLLOWING IS PROBABLY ALL JUST PMT I DON'T CARE LIFE IS SHIT AND I HATE IT
i hate not being a boy
i hate going into college and getting piss taken out of me by everyone, even the teachers
i hate not being able to turn around and be asked to be called Julian
i'm fed up with it all, going downstairs and getting a couple of packs of cocodomal seems like a really good idea
it's not, and i haven't got the guts to do it, but a part of me wishes i had
part of me feels worthless and pathetic and wants to be treated that way, wants to be whored out and abused, treated like the filthy little pervert that i am
and i feel guilty for wanting it
guilty because it's not entirely fantasy
i do feel worthless
and reinforcing that is probably a bad idea
but damn i want pain
pure simple brutal pain
i want to be flogged till i scream
till i can let go completely
i just feel empty
this hollow female shell walking around
this is not who i am
I am Julian
I enjoy dirty kinky sex
I belong to Master Jamie
my fantasies do not control me
other people do not control me
I am His
I will be a good boy
I will be His little whore
His little boymouse
I will not go crazy
10 days till easter, that's all
i can last 10 days
i have to be able to last 10 days
i scared the girls at college with my marks
i scare everyone because i am a freak
they stare at me, they all do, they know i am not right
that i don't belong here
i hate this all so much at the moment
grandma is angry because i didn't get home till 8PM and didn't want dinner
(beef stew, luke warm, with a skin on it from being kept in the oven)
everyone is angry about something
have to remember it's not long