(no subject)
came back to London today,
grandparents think i dyed and cut my hair to try and get kicked out of college...wish i'd thought of it, it's a good idea...
went to counselling, it was crap, basically she sat and repeated my descisions back to me as advice, as in "i need to work through things bit by bit" five minutes later "you could try working through things in small bits slowly" grrrrr and she didn't get the gender thing...which isn't surprising...I wish i'd had the courage to just ask her to call me Jules...i wish i had the courage to ask at college
anyway
psych on friday
college tomorrow
more than a little scared
i've been tidying
i've been going through my paperwork...i found a few things...my notes on a dream that scared the fuck out of me, and had subsequent episodes...
and a letter, which made me cry
i thought i'd type it up here
Darling Camilla
I hope you are well. I'm sorry for being insensitive and making you worrt. I didn't mean to cause you distress. I'm looking forward to seeing you soon. I'm sorry I don't talk to you much, and I want to let you know I still care about you. I love you. I'm really not very good at the whole emotion thing and I expect sometimes I don't look like I'm trying very hard but I do really care about you. I have not been the best boyfriend in the world by far and I know this and it hurts me because I want to be perfect and helpful and kind but with all the goodwill in the world I'm useless at this whole relationship business. Sometimes I think I should just give up, but I haven't yet and am willing to give it another try. It's hard for me especially because i love Jenn and I expect it's hard for you too. Nevertheless I love you too and you mean the world to me.
Lots of Love
Alex
xxx
he's been a bastard to so many people but there were times when he waas really sweet, he hates me now, i know that, but i can't help still loving him a little bit. seeing him and Jenn fight makes me feel like a kid whose parents are getting divorced.
i wish everyone could be happy
i'm going to curl up and cry some more now
i feel so pathetic
real boys don't cry
but then i'm not a real boy, and the sooner i get that into my head the better
i really really hate myself sometimes
i want to go back already
or better yet i want to go home
but i can't
122 days
i'm going to make it
i have to
illegitimus non carborundum est
i bought christmas fudge today, it was on sale for 79p down from £2.49...
it says "to a very special boy at christmas..."
i really am sad
grandparents think i dyed and cut my hair to try and get kicked out of college...wish i'd thought of it, it's a good idea...
went to counselling, it was crap, basically she sat and repeated my descisions back to me as advice, as in "i need to work through things bit by bit" five minutes later "you could try working through things in small bits slowly" grrrrr and she didn't get the gender thing...which isn't surprising...I wish i'd had the courage to just ask her to call me Jules...i wish i had the courage to ask at college
anyway
psych on friday
college tomorrow
more than a little scared
i've been tidying
i've been going through my paperwork...i found a few things...my notes on a dream that scared the fuck out of me, and had subsequent episodes...
and a letter, which made me cry
i thought i'd type it up here
Darling Camilla
I hope you are well. I'm sorry for being insensitive and making you worrt. I didn't mean to cause you distress. I'm looking forward to seeing you soon. I'm sorry I don't talk to you much, and I want to let you know I still care about you. I love you. I'm really not very good at the whole emotion thing and I expect sometimes I don't look like I'm trying very hard but I do really care about you. I have not been the best boyfriend in the world by far and I know this and it hurts me because I want to be perfect and helpful and kind but with all the goodwill in the world I'm useless at this whole relationship business. Sometimes I think I should just give up, but I haven't yet and am willing to give it another try. It's hard for me especially because i love Jenn and I expect it's hard for you too. Nevertheless I love you too and you mean the world to me.
Lots of Love
Alex
xxx
he's been a bastard to so many people but there were times when he waas really sweet, he hates me now, i know that, but i can't help still loving him a little bit. seeing him and Jenn fight makes me feel like a kid whose parents are getting divorced.
i wish everyone could be happy
i'm going to curl up and cry some more now
i feel so pathetic
real boys don't cry
but then i'm not a real boy, and the sooner i get that into my head the better
i really really hate myself sometimes
i want to go back already
or better yet i want to go home
but i can't
122 days
i'm going to make it
i have to
illegitimus non carborundum est
i bought christmas fudge today, it was on sale for 79p down from £2.49...
it says "to a very special boy at christmas..."
i really am sad