(no subject)

[bloodbeauty]

ok, today has been weird and not nice and angsty

been feeling like i want to be boy
which is scary, because i'm not trans
i don't want to be trans
and i was ok with wanting to genderfuck and be boy occasionally
but this was a need to look boy
and i don't know why
and i've never hated by breasts before
but i did today
i wanted them gone
i want to be able to pass
but that's not going to happen

it's just fucking with my head majorly and i want these feelings to go away
i can cope with being genderqueer,
i can cope with cross dressing
i don't want to be trans
i don't want surgery
i don't want to live as a man

at least i don't think that i want any of those things

but then a week ago if you'd told me i'd be crying over not passing i'd have laughed in your face

i tried to look boy today
i got stared at
made me feel really nasty

i'll never manage to pass anyway
what's the point in trying?

i also got talked to by a 7th day adventist...
she was trying to convert me
and convince me that mixed race relationships are against god

sad thing is i was glad she talked to me

hopefully going to see sarah and benji tomorrow
he's going to dress me up boy