(no subject)

[bloodbeauty]

ok, today has been spent in bed
still in PJ's
still haven't been downstairs
going to have to go down for dinner :(

spent the day online, realised i still can apply for Uni, but i'm really really scared of going

spent far too long on the phone to Jenn
and let her play with benji online a little...
but she had to go
and then alex joined in
and he got me all subby
and...
well...

sigh

i hate how easily i get horny
how easy it is for people to turn me sub
but i like it as well

my head still feels quite weird
i don't know why but i kinda wish i was trans
which is stupid
i'm not
i know i'm not
but part of me wishes i was
maybe so i'll fit in properly with the only people i've fit in with at all
i want to fit in and be part of something
i want to belong
or maybe i'm just a chaser
apparently Charley has been spreading it around that i am
oh well

i want to do something drastic to my appearance
thinking about cutting my hair
or shaving it off

i want to feel pretty
i need to loose weight
think i'm going to stay veggie after half term
that'll piss grandma off
as will turning up with short hair
as will anything i do

i hate being here

feeling far too sub...