bones sinking like stones all that we fought for.....
ok in lieu of a counsellor i'm going to try and think things through for myself
try and work out exactly where my head is
things feel almost back to the way they were
almost
me and jenn plotting ranen's murder (not seriously, it's cathartic don'tcha know?)
alex saying "i love you" back even if it's only in a friendlyish fuckbuddy way not a girlfriend way
jenn...has really scared me by saying some of her feelings for me are turning into friendshiptype feelings as opposed to girlfriend type feelings
but i love her, and if that's the way she feels she can't help it
and i'm going to try my hardest to not be clingy
and to not drive her away
but it's so hard when all i want to do is hold onto her for dear life because she's getting so close to J and seems to be having such strong emotions for her that she doesn't have with me
but maybe i just don't see them when they're directed at me
but it hurts like hell that everytime you see your girlfriend appy it's because of someone else
when you ask her to imagine herself somewhere her reply is "in her arms"
and i know it's partly NRE
and partly wanting the unavailable
but it still hurts
and i know she's going to read this
so, jenn, please don't be upset, this isn't me attacking you, this is just me working things out for myself
you can't help the way you feel
neither can alex
neither can J
neither can i
and at the moment the way i'm feeling is yoyoing up and down like crazy, i've counted three peaks and four troughs already, and i've only been awake an hour and 45mins
so i'm cuddled in bed with green tea and jasmine
feeling like crap, but not in any specific way
partly due to the fact that i was up at six with an iffy tummy due to my grandmothers undercooked salmon
and i was getting harmy craving most of yesterday, but no worse than usual
i'm not going to do anything
i don't do that any more
instead i cry randomly in the street (6 times yesterday i started crying, no real reasons)
and curl up in bed with my fur scarf
and feel guilty because it's badwrongevil and alex hates it
but it's one of the only things that gives me physical comfort
which is what i need at the moment
i need to be held and cuddled and told that everything will get better
i know it's a lie but i want to hear it
fucking ridiculous that i turn into raving horny monster around jenn when she wants to be cuddly
and am like this when she's not here
and i got kinda stalkerish yesterday, missing her
i read through all her back enteries
and her old journal
only i can't read the friends only posts in that
and now i'm reading through alex's
as if by doing this i'll know them better and stop them getting rid of me
*mental image of Lila being returned to the pet shop*
A Lila's for life not just for Christmas
apart from i might not be for life
jenn's told me not to make any long term plans
which hurts more than anything
i never wanted a future before i met her and alex
they're the only people who made me think a future was worth having
made me want to live the rest of my life because they would be there with me
and now, bit by bit they're taking that way
and i know i should want a future of my own
but i don't
i've lived from one target to the next for as long as i can remember
survive primary school
get out of kent
survive boarding school
get to catering college
escape grandparents
althought the last one looks unfeasable for the time being
but i've got an image in my head of a house
a home that's mine and jenn's and alex's
somewhere safe
and i know it's probably not going to happen the way i imagine it
but i hope with all my heart that it will happen
i'll sort out my problems some how
i could cope if the moodswings would go away
going to try my hardest till xmas to cut sugar and refined carbs from my diet
knowing me this'll be nigh on impossible
but the book said it would help
if i'm sugar sensitive
which, looking at the book, i probably am
we'll see how long i last
i want to feel christmassy
maybe tomorrow will make me feel it
baking cookies and maybe going to a carol concert
my grandparents dont do christmas
so no decorations
no happiness (as if there's ever happiness in this house)
just, bleh
so glad i'm not going to be stuck here for the holiday
i get to be with jenn
and her familly (scawwy)
up in york (vewy scawwy)
and my aunt and her gf want to come down from sheffield and meet jenn and alex at some point after xmas
sigh
i need to have a bath
i need to get dressed
i have to clean the oven for my grandmother
i don't want to get out of bed
i haven't the energy
or the will
i want to lie here until someone comes to cuddle me
but they wont come
i have to go to them
less than a week
i can find the energy for less than a week
just maybe after i finish my tea...
sigh
what's the point?
i'll wait till this downpatch goes and get up
i need to wash...i'm starting to be like alex...
o_0
who am i kidding, i'd love to be alex
he's convinced me i'm going to do modeling
even if it's only dirty nasty fetish things
and even though i'm fat
i'm really to nervous to do shadowslaves.com
bit too hardcore for me...well...some of it
a lot of it i'd like to try, but with someone i trust and not on camera
but you may still see me doing porn one day
can't let jenn and alex have all the fun
maybe the tog who filmed them would like to film all three of us....
Lila needs cash
lila has been writing this for almost an hour now
i might go to metro tomorrow
it's so loud there though
i've been getting a lot of headaches recently
but someone might hug me
and i might talk to someone
not that talking helps, other than getting me to articulate things
which is what i'm doing here
***************************************************
i've just been on the phone to ranen for 78mins and 50secs
it's kinda weird how i can just sit and blabber to him
i don't really know him as a person
and i don't approve of him and alex per se
but he is very good at listening
i can see why alex wants to be friends with him
but i totally see why jenn doesn't want them being friends
*sigh*
but he has said that maybe i can go do some photo stuff with him and alex
which would be fun
maybe i can do this after all
try and work out exactly where my head is
things feel almost back to the way they were
almost
me and jenn plotting ranen's murder (not seriously, it's cathartic don'tcha know?)
alex saying "i love you" back even if it's only in a friendlyish fuckbuddy way not a girlfriend way
jenn...has really scared me by saying some of her feelings for me are turning into friendshiptype feelings as opposed to girlfriend type feelings
but i love her, and if that's the way she feels she can't help it
and i'm going to try my hardest to not be clingy
and to not drive her away
but it's so hard when all i want to do is hold onto her for dear life because she's getting so close to J and seems to be having such strong emotions for her that she doesn't have with me
but maybe i just don't see them when they're directed at me
but it hurts like hell that everytime you see your girlfriend appy it's because of someone else
when you ask her to imagine herself somewhere her reply is "in her arms"
and i know it's partly NRE
and partly wanting the unavailable
but it still hurts
and i know she's going to read this
so, jenn, please don't be upset, this isn't me attacking you, this is just me working things out for myself
you can't help the way you feel
neither can alex
neither can J
neither can i
and at the moment the way i'm feeling is yoyoing up and down like crazy, i've counted three peaks and four troughs already, and i've only been awake an hour and 45mins
so i'm cuddled in bed with green tea and jasmine
feeling like crap, but not in any specific way
partly due to the fact that i was up at six with an iffy tummy due to my grandmothers undercooked salmon
and i was getting harmy craving most of yesterday, but no worse than usual
i'm not going to do anything
i don't do that any more
instead i cry randomly in the street (6 times yesterday i started crying, no real reasons)
and curl up in bed with my fur scarf
and feel guilty because it's badwrongevil and alex hates it
but it's one of the only things that gives me physical comfort
which is what i need at the moment
i need to be held and cuddled and told that everything will get better
i know it's a lie but i want to hear it
fucking ridiculous that i turn into raving horny monster around jenn when she wants to be cuddly
and am like this when she's not here
and i got kinda stalkerish yesterday, missing her
i read through all her back enteries
and her old journal
only i can't read the friends only posts in that
and now i'm reading through alex's
as if by doing this i'll know them better and stop them getting rid of me
*mental image of Lila being returned to the pet shop*
A Lila's for life not just for Christmas
apart from i might not be for life
jenn's told me not to make any long term plans
which hurts more than anything
i never wanted a future before i met her and alex
they're the only people who made me think a future was worth having
made me want to live the rest of my life because they would be there with me
and now, bit by bit they're taking that way
and i know i should want a future of my own
but i don't
i've lived from one target to the next for as long as i can remember
survive primary school
get out of kent
survive boarding school
get to catering college
escape grandparents
althought the last one looks unfeasable for the time being
but i've got an image in my head of a house
a home that's mine and jenn's and alex's
somewhere safe
and i know it's probably not going to happen the way i imagine it
but i hope with all my heart that it will happen
i'll sort out my problems some how
i could cope if the moodswings would go away
going to try my hardest till xmas to cut sugar and refined carbs from my diet
knowing me this'll be nigh on impossible
but the book said it would help
if i'm sugar sensitive
which, looking at the book, i probably am
we'll see how long i last
i want to feel christmassy
maybe tomorrow will make me feel it
baking cookies and maybe going to a carol concert
my grandparents dont do christmas
so no decorations
no happiness (as if there's ever happiness in this house)
just, bleh
so glad i'm not going to be stuck here for the holiday
i get to be with jenn
and her familly (scawwy)
up in york (vewy scawwy)
and my aunt and her gf want to come down from sheffield and meet jenn and alex at some point after xmas
sigh
i need to have a bath
i need to get dressed
i have to clean the oven for my grandmother
i don't want to get out of bed
i haven't the energy
or the will
i want to lie here until someone comes to cuddle me
but they wont come
i have to go to them
less than a week
i can find the energy for less than a week
just maybe after i finish my tea...
sigh
what's the point?
i'll wait till this downpatch goes and get up
i need to wash...i'm starting to be like alex...
o_0
who am i kidding, i'd love to be alex
he's convinced me i'm going to do modeling
even if it's only dirty nasty fetish things
and even though i'm fat
i'm really to nervous to do shadowslaves.com
bit too hardcore for me...well...some of it
a lot of it i'd like to try, but with someone i trust and not on camera
but you may still see me doing porn one day
can't let jenn and alex have all the fun
maybe the tog who filmed them would like to film all three of us....
Lila needs cash
lila has been writing this for almost an hour now
i might go to metro tomorrow
it's so loud there though
i've been getting a lot of headaches recently
but someone might hug me
and i might talk to someone
not that talking helps, other than getting me to articulate things
which is what i'm doing here
***************************************************
i've just been on the phone to ranen for 78mins and 50secs
it's kinda weird how i can just sit and blabber to him
i don't really know him as a person
and i don't approve of him and alex per se
but he is very good at listening
i can see why alex wants to be friends with him
but i totally see why jenn doesn't want them being friends
*sigh*
but he has said that maybe i can go do some photo stuff with him and alex
which would be fun
maybe i can do this after all