(no subject)
i haven't been 100% truthful about uni...
well to the people i've spoken to about it, i just haven't mentioned it here, but i feel like i've been lying
in the last semester i've
handed in one essay (and got 69%)
swapped a subject and done none of the work for that new subject (2 essays and a hell of a lot of reading)
have started but not finished 1 drama essay and 1 english essay, they are now both so late i get 0% when i hand them in, but i still can't think of anything to write in them.
Monday i missed my Drama assessment because my group kicked me out, it was a performance piece, but we were being marked on out ideas not our acting (WTF? why make theatre studies students perform at all then) so i can do a write up of what i would have done and still get marks..no idea what i'm going to do for that
why did my group kick me out? because i missed fridays rehearsal, the rehearsal they were going to email me details about when and where. i can't even remember last friday, i was probably asleep or in pain.
today i missed my timed essay assessment for english, i went to the doctor about my back pain, trecked over town until we found a chemist that was open, once i'd got my meds realised i was 10 minutes late, too drowsy to write anyway, and still in pain. so i wrote an email to my tutor explaining, and went to bed, slept from 3.40 - 8. 40...
i'm going to fail uni, just like i fail everything else, and the worst bit is i'm not sure i care, i'm feeling so apathetic and it just doesn't seem to matter. my tutor told me to think seriously about why i came to uni and if it's the place for me. and i don't know. i came because it was what i was supposed to do, and after i quit catering college i couldn't think of anything else. i don't know where else i'd be or what i'd be doing. at least i know that with a degree i've got a better chance at a job but i don't know what job i want.
i don't really want any.
i don't want to have to conform, or change.
i want to be happy, and that seems to be really hard.
i want to not be in constant pain from my back, i want T, that's about it
i want someone to love me who doesn't already have a primary partner, but that's not going to ever happen. life thus far has proven i'm not good enough for that.
at the moment i feel like i'm not good enough for anything
and what's worse i know a few people are going to read this and take it as a cue to harangue me about my life and how i'm fucking it up
i have achieved some things
i finally posted the letter to the GIC (what's that? i told you i posted it months ago? i lied, i was too scared, 14 made me do it)
i faxed the information the SLC want to them, so i might get my loan or xmas (hopefully)
B and me are just friends because his partner has given birth, and he's not playing anymore
14 and i are fuck buddies and friends, and i really like her, even though i'm terrified of hurting her
M and i are teasing each other to distraction, but we can't and wont play unless his trans atlantic sub say's it's ok, and we both really want to. hes the sort of guy i really want to be with, but it's not likely to happen, even though we both want it...out in the pub last night he was whispering in my ear the things he'd like to do, working me up, and holding me and being caring and lovely, saying i could be his house pet. that's the best thing, he's ok with the furriness.
everyone else feels like they tolerate it, or see it as something mildly amusing, but he really accepts it as a part of me, and it feels really special.
well to the people i've spoken to about it, i just haven't mentioned it here, but i feel like i've been lying
in the last semester i've
handed in one essay (and got 69%)
swapped a subject and done none of the work for that new subject (2 essays and a hell of a lot of reading)
have started but not finished 1 drama essay and 1 english essay, they are now both so late i get 0% when i hand them in, but i still can't think of anything to write in them.
Monday i missed my Drama assessment because my group kicked me out, it was a performance piece, but we were being marked on out ideas not our acting (WTF? why make theatre studies students perform at all then) so i can do a write up of what i would have done and still get marks..no idea what i'm going to do for that
why did my group kick me out? because i missed fridays rehearsal, the rehearsal they were going to email me details about when and where. i can't even remember last friday, i was probably asleep or in pain.
today i missed my timed essay assessment for english, i went to the doctor about my back pain, trecked over town until we found a chemist that was open, once i'd got my meds realised i was 10 minutes late, too drowsy to write anyway, and still in pain. so i wrote an email to my tutor explaining, and went to bed, slept from 3.40 - 8. 40...
i'm going to fail uni, just like i fail everything else, and the worst bit is i'm not sure i care, i'm feeling so apathetic and it just doesn't seem to matter. my tutor told me to think seriously about why i came to uni and if it's the place for me. and i don't know. i came because it was what i was supposed to do, and after i quit catering college i couldn't think of anything else. i don't know where else i'd be or what i'd be doing. at least i know that with a degree i've got a better chance at a job but i don't know what job i want.
i don't really want any.
i don't want to have to conform, or change.
i want to be happy, and that seems to be really hard.
i want to not be in constant pain from my back, i want T, that's about it
i want someone to love me who doesn't already have a primary partner, but that's not going to ever happen. life thus far has proven i'm not good enough for that.
at the moment i feel like i'm not good enough for anything
and what's worse i know a few people are going to read this and take it as a cue to harangue me about my life and how i'm fucking it up
i have achieved some things
i finally posted the letter to the GIC (what's that? i told you i posted it months ago? i lied, i was too scared, 14 made me do it)
i faxed the information the SLC want to them, so i might get my loan or xmas (hopefully)
B and me are just friends because his partner has given birth, and he's not playing anymore
14 and i are fuck buddies and friends, and i really like her, even though i'm terrified of hurting her
M and i are teasing each other to distraction, but we can't and wont play unless his trans atlantic sub say's it's ok, and we both really want to. hes the sort of guy i really want to be with, but it's not likely to happen, even though we both want it...out in the pub last night he was whispering in my ear the things he'd like to do, working me up, and holding me and being caring and lovely, saying i could be his house pet. that's the best thing, he's ok with the furriness.
everyone else feels like they tolerate it, or see it as something mildly amusing, but he really accepts it as a part of me, and it feels really special.