(no subject)
things were bad
and then they were very bad
and then they were marginally good
now things are bad again, probably bacause of my mood swings and not the other stuff thats going on but, everythings fucking my head up so much i don't know what's real
i love alex and he says he loves me...just not in the same way as he loves jenn, and i can cope with that...sort of...i think i can cope with it, i better learn to sope with it, it's the best i'm going to get
i love jenn, and i know she loves me, and she doesn't mean to focus on alex, but when it comes down to it he's there and she can help him, where as all she can do for me is sit on the end of a phone.
but it hurts so damn much some days.
alex has problems and needs her, i know that, but i need her too, and i need alex, but he's not going to be there for me because he needs to be there for himself at the moment
and it puts so much damn pressure on jenn, which i feel so guilty for, but i can't help it, i can't cope on my own
hopefully the doctor will drug me up tomorrow and i wont have to think anymore
or my aunts herbal remedies will arrive and there will be some Magikal Miracle (TM)
until then i guess i've just got to cope...i just don't know how
maybe when i get to see them things will be diffrent
maybe they'll turn round and focus on me
maybe...
more likely there'll be some crisis, and i'll get pushed to the sidelines again
and i know it's stupid to think i deserve better
before i met them i never thought i deserved better
but they changed that they made me think i was worth something to them
but i was wrong
they mean so much more to each other than i could ever mean to them
but i still love them so much
it would be easier if i didn't but i do
i was going to go up for scarlet, but i can't, because i've got a trial day at a job, which i probably wont get
but it means i can't go
and they'll go, and they'll have just as much fun without me
and it wont matter that i'm not there
just like it doesn't matter that i'm not there now
and i don't think they realise just how much it hurts
because they're not alone, they have each other
i am alone
i want someone to touch me and hold me
i want sex and cuddles and just being in each others company
i want to be able to watch their faces when they sleep and know that they're happy
i want to be able to fall asleep knowing i'm safe because they're there
i want a lot of things i'm not going to get
and i know they probably gave up reading this
because i'm too clingy and phone them to tell them about my life all the time anyway
and they don't want to listen to me then
so they sure as hell wont want to read it online
if this was alex's journal jenn would read it
and then they were very bad
and then they were marginally good
now things are bad again, probably bacause of my mood swings and not the other stuff thats going on but, everythings fucking my head up so much i don't know what's real
i love alex and he says he loves me...just not in the same way as he loves jenn, and i can cope with that...sort of...i think i can cope with it, i better learn to sope with it, it's the best i'm going to get
i love jenn, and i know she loves me, and she doesn't mean to focus on alex, but when it comes down to it he's there and she can help him, where as all she can do for me is sit on the end of a phone.
but it hurts so damn much some days.
alex has problems and needs her, i know that, but i need her too, and i need alex, but he's not going to be there for me because he needs to be there for himself at the moment
and it puts so much damn pressure on jenn, which i feel so guilty for, but i can't help it, i can't cope on my own
hopefully the doctor will drug me up tomorrow and i wont have to think anymore
or my aunts herbal remedies will arrive and there will be some Magikal Miracle (TM)
until then i guess i've just got to cope...i just don't know how
maybe when i get to see them things will be diffrent
maybe they'll turn round and focus on me
maybe...
more likely there'll be some crisis, and i'll get pushed to the sidelines again
and i know it's stupid to think i deserve better
before i met them i never thought i deserved better
but they changed that they made me think i was worth something to them
but i was wrong
they mean so much more to each other than i could ever mean to them
but i still love them so much
it would be easier if i didn't but i do
i was going to go up for scarlet, but i can't, because i've got a trial day at a job, which i probably wont get
but it means i can't go
and they'll go, and they'll have just as much fun without me
and it wont matter that i'm not there
just like it doesn't matter that i'm not there now
and i don't think they realise just how much it hurts
because they're not alone, they have each other
i am alone
i want someone to touch me and hold me
i want sex and cuddles and just being in each others company
i want to be able to watch their faces when they sleep and know that they're happy
i want to be able to fall asleep knowing i'm safe because they're there
i want a lot of things i'm not going to get
and i know they probably gave up reading this
because i'm too clingy and phone them to tell them about my life all the time anyway
and they don't want to listen to me then
so they sure as hell wont want to read it online
if this was alex's journal jenn would read it