How could you?
I've decided that if I were ever perfectly happy, that would be the moment the bullet would pierce through my skull. So don't worry, I'm a long way off from that happening.
I don't know why, but I feel betrayed by everyone I've ever known. My new friends... I can't say they seem shallow, but... they aren't the people I want to be around as much as I'm around them. The two in the group that I do like to be around, I don't get to see as much.
I know I love two people, and can be with neither at the moment. The best I get are occasional e-mails and long distance calls that I make to them. One of them has no clue how much I care for them. And I feel selfish. As much as I love my boyfriend, there's someone else I love just as much. For the first time I feel jealous, because I know they're seeing someone else, and even if they weren't and even if I wasn't miles away from them, I still couldn't be with them.
I've betrayed myself. I'm a loner by nature, but now I've become part of some herd. And I'm loyal by nature, but my loyalties are split and I know that one day I won't be able to reconcile them.
And people tell me that I'm beautiful, that I'm smart, that I'm a strong person with a great personality, or some other shit. I want to yell and call them liars, cut their throats open.
I want to cry.
But that's the biggest betrayal of all. I want to cry and give up.
So no matter what, I have to keep going. I can't die now, or give up, or shed a single tear. Well, maybe one. I'm drained empty anyway.
I don't know why, but I feel betrayed by everyone I've ever known. My new friends... I can't say they seem shallow, but... they aren't the people I want to be around as much as I'm around them. The two in the group that I do like to be around, I don't get to see as much.
I know I love two people, and can be with neither at the moment. The best I get are occasional e-mails and long distance calls that I make to them. One of them has no clue how much I care for them. And I feel selfish. As much as I love my boyfriend, there's someone else I love just as much. For the first time I feel jealous, because I know they're seeing someone else, and even if they weren't and even if I wasn't miles away from them, I still couldn't be with them.
I've betrayed myself. I'm a loner by nature, but now I've become part of some herd. And I'm loyal by nature, but my loyalties are split and I know that one day I won't be able to reconcile them.
And people tell me that I'm beautiful, that I'm smart, that I'm a strong person with a great personality, or some other shit. I want to yell and call them liars, cut their throats open.
I want to cry.
But that's the biggest betrayal of all. I want to cry and give up.
So no matter what, I have to keep going. I can't die now, or give up, or shed a single tear. Well, maybe one. I'm drained empty anyway.