Trying to get lost in the music.........
so fine, here i am, after who knows how long, posting again on this journal. I have figured that I am me and that's all I'll ever be. No more pretending im nice, or caring, doesnt work. I've lost several friends, and finally got some people to leave me the fuck alone. I am saddened by the loss of them but then again, that's life and it is better for them to not be around me, then for them to hate me while im trying to be their friend. Some days I would like to think that I am more important and matter more to people than I actually do. *shrug* I guess I should stop being so stupid. People seem to move on so fast, and when they have found a new life I somehow manage to get back to talking with them and I see how much has changed and Im sad. Im not completely sure why I am sad. But mainly I think it is because they have found this whole new life that Im not in. Like looking through a window into a store or a house. Everything seems good and pretty, but ur not there. Part of me just wants me to keep walking, not to disturb anything. Like its perfect and it doesnt need me messing it up. I must admit I have at least found a good friend in the recent couple of weeks. Andrea, seems to be more of a friend than I thought. Its good to have someone to trust that you dont have to worry about getting romantically involved with. Been talking to Kaci a lot. Shes not a bad gal. We did get into a major fight last night though becuz she didn't want me getting revenge on Jil or David for them cheating and hurting Elyse. She wanted me to talk it over with Jil....like thats going to work. Its the time of the season where everyone is all happy about their bf/gf and the loneliness starts getting to me. I've never been lucky enough to have a gf on my birthday or on Christmas. Life just doesn't wish to give me that option of happyness. Im turning into Scrooge. Doesnt bother me too much. I would get few presents from people at school anyways. So by being mean i just dont get hurt becuz no one cared about chris. Thats life. Im used to the not caring, and not being cared for. Kaci said to treat people like I wanna be treated....lol I laughed...so so so few times did that ever work for me. So now I treat people like they deserve, not like they should be. I walk a lonely road. The only road that I've ever known. The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.......song hits me more than anyone knows. If there is a god may he have mercy upon my soul....