Dreary thoughts to match a dreary exsistance.
I sit here in a mostly dark room, curled up in this big chair of ours and thinking. Thinking about everything and everyone. What do I want in life? What goals do I have? Why do I seem to not fit in anywhere? Am I all alone? Then on the subject of people why do I keep seeing my ex's and then thats all I can think about. Talked to Sara the other day, thought about her even started liking her before she came down but I quickly gave that up seeing how it was futile. I started liking Tish (not an ex but still) she's hardly friends with me now. Started liking Ashley, wow, major mistake there. At first she used me for a car and to see Tyler. Then when she calls and wants to hang out to get her mind off of Tyler she doesn't call and just kinda disappears. She feels so strongly towards Tyler that Ima just be killing myself if I go any further in that direction. Plus they had sex numerous upon numerous times at Tish's house while Tyler was drunk. So yea.....
Ran into Cassie at the mall today. She didn't seem to happy to see me. Now all I can think of is her. Oh and I forgot about Charlee, and Racheal...started liking Charlee realized that there was a whole nother life there that I was not even part of and wouldn't be a part of. It just wasn't me. I know its a far shot but I want people to like me because I am me. Rachael was too young and madly in love with her boyfriend. So here I sit, like many other days as of late....well no,just many other days I have done this in the past, thinking.
When I ask myself why I feel the need to be in a relationship, or have someone, is it the physical pleasure aspect? or emotional? Ill be completely true and admit that part of it is physical but much more, oh so much more of it is emotional. My worst fear (get ready to point and laugh all you kiddies) is to wind up alone in life. With no friends, no significant other, no nothing. Thats not saying that Im looking for marrage right now. No that would be crazy.
I can say all the right words at all the right times. Buy someone the perfect gift and treat them to a near perfect night. Only I can never hold on to them...odd eh? And like soo many others Im cursed with two things. First and foremost liking people who not in a hundred years of misery and turmoil would consider liking me. And two...well thats the ever annoying, yet sadly ironic thing, of dealing with people who like me and I not in a hundred years of misery and turmoil would ever consider liking them. Oh the sad, cruel irony that is my life.
The burden of Death is light, when you have nothing left to live for.........
Ran into Cassie at the mall today. She didn't seem to happy to see me. Now all I can think of is her. Oh and I forgot about Charlee, and Racheal...started liking Charlee realized that there was a whole nother life there that I was not even part of and wouldn't be a part of. It just wasn't me. I know its a far shot but I want people to like me because I am me. Rachael was too young and madly in love with her boyfriend. So here I sit, like many other days as of late....well no,just many other days I have done this in the past, thinking.
When I ask myself why I feel the need to be in a relationship, or have someone, is it the physical pleasure aspect? or emotional? Ill be completely true and admit that part of it is physical but much more, oh so much more of it is emotional. My worst fear (get ready to point and laugh all you kiddies) is to wind up alone in life. With no friends, no significant other, no nothing. Thats not saying that Im looking for marrage right now. No that would be crazy.
I can say all the right words at all the right times. Buy someone the perfect gift and treat them to a near perfect night. Only I can never hold on to them...odd eh? And like soo many others Im cursed with two things. First and foremost liking people who not in a hundred years of misery and turmoil would consider liking me. And two...well thats the ever annoying, yet sadly ironic thing, of dealing with people who like me and I not in a hundred years of misery and turmoil would ever consider liking them. Oh the sad, cruel irony that is my life.
The burden of Death is light, when you have nothing left to live for.........