i think im stupid..
so. i wanna talk about family again. i dont like my dads side. nope. ive said that before and my reasons are completely legit... but... im starting to doubt my choices. for me, emotionally... it was a very good thing to not have contact with those people the past few years.. reasons for not liking those people- 1. dad.. enough said. 2. my cousins and i have never interacted outside of thanksgiving and christmas.. i dont like that. 3. well... my mother/brothers have expressed this idea that the only reason we should go to thanksgiving/xmas is to see our dad. and since he hasnt been there for a few years now that there is no reason for us to go.. but.. what about the rest of my family? yes my dad is an ass but there are other people there who, whether i like it or not, are still my family. so.. dont they deserve my time? my cousins (kids of my fathers siblings) and i have never done anything together.. and i blame them for that kinda.. but i keep thinking about jodie (my step mom) sisters kids.. i havent seen or talked to them in years.. in a sense.. i am doing to them the same thing my other cousins have done to me.. i have always felt guilty about not seeing them more.. (theres only two btw) and i have always said that i dont wanna "stoop down to my fathers familys level"... and so its sad to think that i might already have. am i saying i want to form relationships with those people? i dont know... maybe i am. maybe im saying i wanna be stronger then any of those people.. and i want to put all the past shit behind me and take responsibility for the relationships i have with them. when i was a kid i didnt have any control over how much time i spent with them or when i saw them.. but im 21 now.. and if i want to have a relationship with them.. then.. i can. has it always just been me who has stopped me from doing anything?