"Thaw", 1/1, Alex/Izzie, PG-13
Title: Thaw
Author: blood_on_thorns
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Characters/Pairings: Izzie/Alex
Classification: General, relationship issues
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: This show is the brilliant work of one Shonda Rhimes, although I wish she'd pull her head out of her ass and quit with the creepy Denny stuff and let poor Izzie be happy.
Summary: Alex knows he's screwed up. The question is, can he convince Izzie to forgive him and give him another chance? Set after he's monumentally stupid and has sex with Olivia. *makes face*
Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I’m always wrapped up in things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong like a drug that gets me high
What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so
Cold to you, I’m sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
‘Cause now I can see
You are the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be
So cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed-up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there’s just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I’m sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
-"Cold", Crossfade
Alex watched from over the rim of his coffee cup as Izzie selected a large muffin from the cart. It wouldn’t be as good as hers, of course, but she didn’t discriminate against their inferior fare. He watched the lines of her body move fluidly as she reached for her money, paid the guy, then threw the little bit of change in the cup by the register. Her curly blonde hair streamed down her back, left down for once. It wouldn’t stay that way, and Alex took pleasure in the rare opportunity to see that waterfall of gold shimmer under the bright hospital lights.
She turned around and spotted him, her face traveling a gamut of emotions in the space of a second. The one she settled on was seething hatred, and she stared straight ahead as she brushed roughly past him. She jostled his arm and spilled his coffee down his scrubs, but he never noticed. She didn’t look back, didn’t apologize, didn’t acknowledge his existence other than the icy expression frozen onto her face.
He was stunned at the way it felt to see her eyes turn to glacial stone when she laid them on him. He wasn’t used to this ache, the feeling of having his heart squeezed in a vise until it was a mangled, pulpy mess. He wasn’t used to regretting hurting a woman. He wasn’t used to this feeling of self-loathing and misery when he realized he’d quite possibly screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him in his life.
“What the hell did you to do Barbie?”
Alex turned to see Cristina observing them casually. “Nothing.” The word was clipped and cold but it didn’t deter Cristina from making her cutting comments.
“Seriously, Karev. She all but worshipped you, following you around and practically wagging her tail when you patted her on the head. Now she looks at you like you killed her favorite pet. Did you bring up the modeling crap again or something?”
Alex set his jaw in a hard line. “Back off, Yang.” I only wish it was the modeling crap.
The less-than-subtle command only whetted her curiosity. “Oh, c’mon, Alex. It can’t be that bad. She gets her panties in a twist over every damn thing.”
Alex sneered. “Unlike you, who doesn’t get her panties in a twist over anything.”
Cristina made a face at him, but just then, Olivia tapped him on the shoulder. Alex all but groaned when he turned and saw her hopeful expression. “What do you want?” he asked rudely. He couldn’t afford to be the subject of the hospital gossip mill again. Not if he had any hope of getting Izzie to forgive him, let alone give him another chance.
Olivia shrank back at his gruff tone, but she was somewhat used to Alex’s mercurial mood changes. As soon as she got him in the on-call room he’d be fine. “I was just wondering if you had time for a consultation,” she said, glancing warily at Cristina.
Alex snorted. “No. Not for you.”
Olivia’s face flashed hurt briefly before she thinned her lips and gave him a curt nod. Alex breathed a quiet sigh of relief when she walked away.
“You asshole.”
Shit. He’d forgotten he had an audience. He turned his head slightly, startled when he met the disgust in Cristina’s face. He didn’t figure her for the type to get too involved, one way or the other. “What’s your issue?”
Cristina smacked his shoulder. “You slept with a nurse while you’re supposed to be dating Izzie!” she yelled, and he flinched.
“Could we not broadcast that hospital-wide, Yang?” he hissed. Cristina glared at him.
“If you’re thinking to do damage control, then screw you, Evil Spawn. If Barbie even lets the idea of forgiving you cross her mind, I’m going to slap her until she regains any sense she might have had. What the hell were you thinking?”
Alex grimaced and stalked to an empty patient room, hoping Cristina would follow. If she insisted on pushing the issue, he was at least going to make sure it wasn’t in the hearing range of a ton of gossipy doctors, nurses, orderlies, and technicians. “Why the hell do you even care, Yang?” he growled once she’d slammed the door behind her. “Last time I checked, you weren’t even friends with Iz. Not to mention your avoidance of inter-personal communication.”
Cristina shrugged. “Barbie might not be my bestest, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay with her getting dicked over by a dick like you,” she said, her voice filled with distaste.
Alex stared coldly at her. “I’m not okay with her getting dicked over, either,” he said angrily. “I know it was a dick move. I’m not denying that. But it would be even worse if I didn’t try to make it right.” He cursed mentally. Why the hell am I even talking to Yang about this, let alone sort-of confiding in her? She doesn’t care about any of this, not really, and she’s the last person you should be showing any weakness to.
Surprisingly, Cristina’s face softened and she nodded reluctantly. “I know a thing or two about trying to make things right,” she acknowledged quietly. “Just don’t hurt her again. She’s a good person and she deserves better than that.”
Alex nodded, taken aback at the concern in her voice. He smirked suddenly. “You know, you and I are a lot alike,” he commented, waiting for the expected reaction. She didn’t disappoint him.
“Take that back, Evil Spawn!” she demanded, her nose wrinkling in distaste. “We’re nothing alike.”
He crossed his arms over her chest and watched her in amusement. “We both act like hardasses, but underneath it all, we do care. The few people who actually matter to us, we can’t stand the idea of them being hurt. So you’re going to back off about the whole thing with Iz, because you understand me. And I’m going to try and make it right, without having to deal with you being a smartass and annoying the crap out of me. Okay?”
Cristina surprised him, yet again, by giving him a big grin. “No problem. Not like I really want to get more involved than I already am. But I meant what I said, Karev. Fix it.”
Alex didn’t watch as she left the room, his mind’s eye focused on the sight of Izzie’s shocked, pained face when she caught him with Olivia. I don’t know if I can. But I have to try.
It was that thought that propelled him out of the room and down the hall. He knew Izzie would be hiding from him, but he was determined to find her. He squashed the uneasy feeling that crept up when he wondered if there was any chance she’d forgive him. He couldn’t think that way. He’d never felt this way about anyone before, and she had to give him another chance. She had to.
He spotted her bent over the desk at the nurses’ station, completing some paperwork. Her head was bent, her hair tumbling over one shoulder. Alex took a deep breath. “Iz!” he called out, breaking into a slow jog.
She didn’t look up, didn’t even move, but he could see the muscles in her back, neck, and shoulders tense up, like a chain reaction. He could almost see her mind working, wondering if she should acknowledge him with some blistering comment or continue to ignore him.
Her desire to wound him won out, and she turned slowly, giving him the frostiest look imaginable. “You don’t get to call me that anymore,” she said, her voice deceptively calm and even.
Alex slowed to a stop, confused. “Call you what?” he asked cautiously. At least she was speaking to him. It wasn’t pleasant conversation, but it was better than frozen silence.
She gritted her teeth. “You don’t get to call me ‘Iz’ anymore,” she hissed poisonously. “That was a nickname reserved for my friend. You’re nothing to me now.”
Alex wasn’t sure what to say to her. He knew he had to play this exactly right or he’d lose any opportunity he might have to turn things around. “You’re better than me,” he said quietly. She gaped at him, but didn’t say anything to interrupt. “You’re way too good for me, and I’ve never had anything good in my life. I didn’t know how not to screw it up, so I did it on purpose before I could do it on accident.”
He turned around and walked out to his car, shaking a little. He hated being so open, exposing himself to her that way, but he’d had no other choice. It was the only thing he could do that would get through to her even a little. If he’d begged forgiveness, or been an ass, or just flat out apologized, she would have looked right through him and he’d have lost his chance. She knew, more than anyone, how hard it was for him to let anyone know what was going on in his head and in his heart. By doing so, he hoped that she would understand just how much he wanted them to get past this.
“Alex!” She’d yelled his name, she was still angry, but at least she’d followed him. Every little bit was an improvement, a step in the right direction.
He turned to greet her, and was greeted himself by a fist in his right eye. He stumbled backward, dazed and barely coherent, as he struggled to get his world upside-right. The first thing he recognized when his vision quit swimming was the most infuriated blonde he’d ever seen. She was livid, and Alex wasn’t sure he didn’t see steam rising from her collar. Her hands were balled into fists and her eyes were murderous.
“You don’t get to do that!” she spat. “You don’t get to tell me you were destined to fail anyway so it’s alright that you screwed up. It’s not alright, Alex! You really hurt me!”
Alex flinched at the raw pain in her voice. “I didn’t say it was alright,” he corrected her. “I said I knew I was going to screw up eventually, so I tried to save both of us more pain down the road by doing it sooner rather than later.”
Izzie sneered at him. “You didn’t make that choice for any noble purpose,” she railed bitterly. “You did it because you were too afraid to try not to screw up. You’re nothing but a coward, Alex.”
His chocolate eyes flashed. She’d hit close to the truth, but he’d revealed enough of his inner turmoil for today. “Don’t they say that history is the best teacher, Iz?” He purposely used the nickname she’d told him was forbidden from now on. He was going to prove to her that any wall she put up, he’d tear down. “All history has ever taught me is that anything that makes me happy is only going to turn around and bite me on the ass in the end.”
She opened her mouth to yell, then unexpectedly softened. “I made you happy?”
He was dumbstruck. How could she think otherwise? “Yeah, you did. I wouldn’t have opened up to you, stopped being the Evil Spawn everyone here knows and loves,” that last part was delivered with no small amount of sarcasm ‘if I wasn’t happy with you.”
She bit her lip and looked away. “Whenever we tried… You couldn’t. You could for her, but not for me.”
Alex winced. “There was no pressure with her.” Izzie’s head snapped up, her eyes taking on that familiar spark of fury. He rushed to clarify. “I didn’t give a damn what she thought of me. I didn’t care if I pleased her, and I didn’t want her to want to stick around afterward. I wouldn’t have even remembered her afterward. But you…”
She relented in her rigid stance, relaxing a little and even letting a hint of a smile curl the corners of her lips. “But me?”
He glowered at her. She wasn’t going to be happy until she laid him bare and open, was she? “But you, I did care about. I wanted to please you, I wanted you to stay with me afterward. And I sure as hell never would have forgotten a single second.”
Izzie blinked. “Why didn’t you just tell me that?”
Alex scoffed. “Please, Iz. You know me better than that. The only reason you’ve gotten as much out of me right now as you have is because I know I’ll lose you if I don’t say it.”
Her eyes became guarded. “What makes you think you haven’t already?”
He shrugged. “I don’t. I’m just hoping.” He gave her the charming, sexy grin that worked on most every female he met, taking the risk that it wouldn’t infuriate her enough to slap it off his face.
She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him as she tapped her foot, thinking. He waited.
“I don’t know if you have,” she admitted finally. “You’re going to have to give me some time. And you’re going to have to work your ass off to prove you deserve a second chance.” She didn’t give him a chance to respond, instead turning and walking back into the hospital.
Alex let a wide grin cross his face. It wasn’t much. But it was enough.