(no subject)
My mind twists and turns in horrible ways. It creates and destroys, all at once. This time it created a conversation, no doubt out of some childish dream or reflex at having lost someone so soon. It pointed out that she will never feel any regret. She's had others to make her happy, and can easily find them. She even has parents. I've had her. That's it, that's all. She won't be the one regreting anything.
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I should be the perfect boyfriend. On the surface, I'm obidient, I care, I can be sweet, I can be funny, I can be lovable, I can love someone deeper than most, I trust, I'm trustworthy, I'm generally good, I may not be a lost cause, and many other things. Inside, there;s one thing that should make me perfect beyond all else. My heart. No, I don't mean it in any good way like love, romance, etc... Those I present at face value, I give without any need of anythign in return. No, my heart is almost gone. There's a large chunk missing from Jill recently. Yes, I put to much hope into that one relationship. But it doesn't matter. Maybe, someday, someone will come along and fill that hole. If not, all it is is another gaping hole. There's one about the same size from my mom. A smaller one from my dad, another large one from Nana, and several others from other places/hells in my life. I should be perfect in this way: My heart can never be broken. No one could be afraid of hurting me because even emotional pain is losing it's grasp on me. My heart is shattered, but I don't mourn it's loss as so many others. I've known for a long time that it was losing all it's battles. Jill's... Leaving just showed me how much. Maybe having my emotional heart shattered is bad, but all I see is that it allows me to give endless devotion and compassion, love that never tarnishes, honesty that comes with few ties, and the desire to be loved. If I was loved, I would be happy. True, I'll always be sad in ways. But for me, I know what my true happiness would be. I said this before, I believe. I've known ever since my mother left, even if the only way I found it out was by having someone I could care about. I'm writing a lot here, and on nothing. It doesn't matter. No one will ever actually read and understand this, or not anyone who cares or will be effected. But I know. I have my victory. Let my inner demons wage war on my insides. I won what I wanted. Now I just need to find a way to achieve it. Even then, I don't care. I know. That's all I need for myself, just the fact that through out so many things, I can be held together by this one piece of knowledge. This will stand even when memory fails. Be blessed, journal bourn in my inner poison.
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I should be the perfect boyfriend. On the surface, I'm obidient, I care, I can be sweet, I can be funny, I can be lovable, I can love someone deeper than most, I trust, I'm trustworthy, I'm generally good, I may not be a lost cause, and many other things. Inside, there;s one thing that should make me perfect beyond all else. My heart. No, I don't mean it in any good way like love, romance, etc... Those I present at face value, I give without any need of anythign in return. No, my heart is almost gone. There's a large chunk missing from Jill recently. Yes, I put to much hope into that one relationship. But it doesn't matter. Maybe, someday, someone will come along and fill that hole. If not, all it is is another gaping hole. There's one about the same size from my mom. A smaller one from my dad, another large one from Nana, and several others from other places/hells in my life. I should be perfect in this way: My heart can never be broken. No one could be afraid of hurting me because even emotional pain is losing it's grasp on me. My heart is shattered, but I don't mourn it's loss as so many others. I've known for a long time that it was losing all it's battles. Jill's... Leaving just showed me how much. Maybe having my emotional heart shattered is bad, but all I see is that it allows me to give endless devotion and compassion, love that never tarnishes, honesty that comes with few ties, and the desire to be loved. If I was loved, I would be happy. True, I'll always be sad in ways. But for me, I know what my true happiness would be. I said this before, I believe. I've known ever since my mother left, even if the only way I found it out was by having someone I could care about. I'm writing a lot here, and on nothing. It doesn't matter. No one will ever actually read and understand this, or not anyone who cares or will be effected. But I know. I have my victory. Let my inner demons wage war on my insides. I won what I wanted. Now I just need to find a way to achieve it. Even then, I don't care. I know. That's all I need for myself, just the fact that through out so many things, I can be held together by this one piece of knowledge. This will stand even when memory fails. Be blessed, journal bourn in my inner poison.