I Don't: Side-eyes and other things that won't be parts of my if/when wedding...
You know how, when you're little, you were often asked "So, what did you learn today at school?" (Or, perhaps you weren't asked that, 'cause Mom and Dad didn't really care, or felt like you didn't learn anything and didn't want to make you feel awkward. Sorry 'bout your luck if that was the case.)
Anyways, I try to learn something new every day, and so attending a significant event usually provides me with lots to learn. And learning sometimes equates to things that I remember for the sole purpose of not repeating what I observed.
Yesterday, I attended a pretty significant event: A wedding. My o my, the things that can be learned at a wedding.
It was a great time. Approximately 6 hours of drinking, eating, conversing, and wearing sexy heels after the marriage mass.
The wedding gave me some ideas about what I will definitely do if/when I get married. And it also gave me some ideas about what I won't do.
The 5.5 Not-happening-at-my-wedding things
1. A guy who has never been married is not going to talk to my guests about marriage. Yea, sorry Mr. Priest. I feel like I'd benefit a little more by a few words of wisdom by, I dunno, Donald Trump. Or Britney Spears. You know, people who are so good at marriage that they do it more than...well, never.
2. Drinks without booze. The lucky couple yesterday had the right idea: Keep it coming, keep it flowing, and the wedding video will be way, way more interesting than a bunch of awkwardly-staged photo ops or guests being blinded by the spotlight on the front of the camera.
3. Pink. It's just not my thing, and hasn't been since Barbie and the Rockers got replaced under my bed by luggage and shoeboxes of letters from 7th grade. It's not flattering on my pasty skin, and would def not be flattering for some of my pasty--and somewhat gingy--relatives.
4. A DJ who thinks he is the movie-announcer guy. Play the music we requested, and tell us to shut up when it's time. That's it. If I want a stand-up comedian, I will pay one. Or I will just wait for my friends to take on that role (see #2, which will make that happen more quickly).
5. Bossy photographers/videographers. Your job is to take nice pics of me/us (which isn't hard, b/c everyone I know is a supermodel), let me know when my strapless Snooki bra is popping out, and make sure you get the money shots of drunk cousins and aunts backin' it on up like U-Haul trucks/falling as they dance to "Baby Got Back." Don't make me stand in front of the cake for 9 minutes as you figure out the lighting. Don't blind my guests with the spotlight on the front of your camera--the lights are dim b/c it makes us look more supermodelesque. I don't need your side-eye when you don't get the right shot of me or my [hammered] friends. It's those shots I WANT to see.
5.5 Line dances---3 in a row. Line dances are a given. I mean, it's not a wedding without the Booty Call (at least not in B more). But you can't overdo it with three in a row. And you can't have them be three-four versions of the same, penultimate line dance--the Electric Boogie. (Even if that was one of the first tapes I own.) Line dances are what you play when you notice people are double-fistiing drinks and getting bored. You need to ration them throughout the wedding. They are precious, precious weapons to get those last few relatives still wearing their shoes onto the dance floor.
And I guess, since I know what won't be part of my wedding (IF/when), I should probably list the things that WILL be part (not necessarily because I WANT them to be, but because it's inevitable):
Anyways, I try to learn something new every day, and so attending a significant event usually provides me with lots to learn. And learning sometimes equates to things that I remember for the sole purpose of not repeating what I observed.
Yesterday, I attended a pretty significant event: A wedding. My o my, the things that can be learned at a wedding.
It was a great time. Approximately 6 hours of drinking, eating, conversing, and wearing sexy heels after the marriage mass.
The wedding gave me some ideas about what I will definitely do if/when I get married. And it also gave me some ideas about what I won't do.
The 5.5 Not-happening-at-my-wedding things
1. A guy who has never been married is not going to talk to my guests about marriage. Yea, sorry Mr. Priest. I feel like I'd benefit a little more by a few words of wisdom by, I dunno, Donald Trump. Or Britney Spears. You know, people who are so good at marriage that they do it more than...well, never.
2. Drinks without booze. The lucky couple yesterday had the right idea: Keep it coming, keep it flowing, and the wedding video will be way, way more interesting than a bunch of awkwardly-staged photo ops or guests being blinded by the spotlight on the front of the camera.
3. Pink. It's just not my thing, and hasn't been since Barbie and the Rockers got replaced under my bed by luggage and shoeboxes of letters from 7th grade. It's not flattering on my pasty skin, and would def not be flattering for some of my pasty--and somewhat gingy--relatives.
4. A DJ who thinks he is the movie-announcer guy. Play the music we requested, and tell us to shut up when it's time. That's it. If I want a stand-up comedian, I will pay one. Or I will just wait for my friends to take on that role (see #2, which will make that happen more quickly).
5. Bossy photographers/videographers. Your job is to take nice pics of me/us (which isn't hard, b/c everyone I know is a supermodel), let me know when my strapless Snooki bra is popping out, and make sure you get the money shots of drunk cousins and aunts backin' it on up like U-Haul trucks/falling as they dance to "Baby Got Back." Don't make me stand in front of the cake for 9 minutes as you figure out the lighting. Don't blind my guests with the spotlight on the front of your camera--the lights are dim b/c it makes us look more supermodelesque. I don't need your side-eye when you don't get the right shot of me or my [hammered] friends. It's those shots I WANT to see.
5.5 Line dances---3 in a row. Line dances are a given. I mean, it's not a wedding without the Booty Call (at least not in B more). But you can't overdo it with three in a row. And you can't have them be three-four versions of the same, penultimate line dance--the Electric Boogie. (Even if that was one of the first tapes I own.) Line dances are what you play when you notice people are double-fistiing drinks and getting bored. You need to ration them throughout the wedding. They are precious, precious weapons to get those last few relatives still wearing their shoes onto the dance floor.
And I guess, since I know what won't be part of my wedding (IF/when), I should probably list the things that WILL be part (not necessarily because I WANT them to be, but because it's inevitable):
- Too many family members to count
- Jaegermeister & Bud Ice
- Lucite heels
- A Saturday date, if it's football season
- Children
- Madonna songs
- Karaoke
- An attractive man
- A Snooki bra
- Chocolate
- Side-eyes