(no subject)
I'm feeling especially lonely at the moment. I just kind of realized I haven't talked to my home friends since I left, so I listened to one of our "songs" and sent them IMs, but they're all busier than me and weren't there. The other day, I took out my senior anthology and one of the things I included was this little paragraph that Meg wrote about us way back when, just driving around, listening to Steve Miller, laughing...such good times, I miss those times 'cause they've never been exactly the same since. Never will.
On top of all that, Andrew has this new thing where he doesn't answer IMs right away which drives me f*cking insane because an unmentionable ex-boyfriend used to do that way back when and it pissed me off so bad. And just now he called, and now I'm in this not great place and I want to finish my thoughts and he gets mad because he doesn't get that I can literally be doing "nothing." But, hey, he gets mad at me for everything else anyway.
And now, of course, I'm listening to all the songs that were playing at Luke's funeral. Why I'm doing this, I don't know. Why I can't stop looking at the picture of us as kids, I don't know. It's been three weeks now since he died and I just still can't accept it for what it really is. I can't accept that he really won't be next door when I come home again.
And I was fine earlier today. I was fine twenty minutes ago. But now I'm just lonely and sad and it's a bummer. And I'll be fine tomorrow, sure, but right now I'm tired of being sad and lonely when I find myself alone. Around people, I'm wonderful, happy, great. When I'm not around people, I become withdrawn (I close my door now more than I ever did before) and it's not how I want to feel.
On top of all that, Andrew has this new thing where he doesn't answer IMs right away which drives me f*cking insane because an unmentionable ex-boyfriend used to do that way back when and it pissed me off so bad. And just now he called, and now I'm in this not great place and I want to finish my thoughts and he gets mad because he doesn't get that I can literally be doing "nothing." But, hey, he gets mad at me for everything else anyway.
And now, of course, I'm listening to all the songs that were playing at Luke's funeral. Why I'm doing this, I don't know. Why I can't stop looking at the picture of us as kids, I don't know. It's been three weeks now since he died and I just still can't accept it for what it really is. I can't accept that he really won't be next door when I come home again.
And I was fine earlier today. I was fine twenty minutes ago. But now I'm just lonely and sad and it's a bummer. And I'll be fine tomorrow, sure, but right now I'm tired of being sad and lonely when I find myself alone. Around people, I'm wonderful, happy, great. When I'm not around people, I become withdrawn (I close my door now more than I ever did before) and it's not how I want to feel.