Because I have another snowday I'm just going to waffle on a bit.
A friend recently wrote that she felt like her life was a movie, I won't name her because I hate pointing the finger when I know someone else might be feeling as 'fragile' as me. Anyway she said how sometimes she felt that was a part of the main cast and at other times she was merely a supporting actor.
I totally agree.
Somedays I feel like I'm living my life in a epic movie, where the spotlight is focused on me and I know exactly what is going on (pretty much) and things seem to work out in the end despite it all. Other days I'm in one of those budget movies that never quite makes it to the big screen but might just make it onto a directors' receptionists-PAs-assistants desk before being discarded. Spending most of my time wondering why everyone else knows the punchline but me, but I guess that's the point. The script is only partly written we just get to improv the bits inbetween. I know the ending.... I know I'll die but it's the when, the where, the how, with who and why that I don't know.
It may sound stupid but of late I've been thinking about exactly what will happen in my 'life movie' because truth be told I'm getting worried it's going to be the same as every other budget cut movie/life out there. As Mark 'Rent-Boy' Renton says in Trainspotting: Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future.... Do I really honest to god want that?
If I could reinvent my whole life, wipe the slate clean or get a new identity would I? I guess there is a slim chance that I would take up an offer like that. I mean who wouldn't? You'd get the perfect everything wouldn't you and life would be pretty much handed to you on a platinum platter.
But then again maybe this is why I'm just your average joe, maybe I have a purpose that's greater than my dreams. Maybe I'll be the person who brings up a child who comes up with the cure for cancer? Maybe I'll be the mother of a child who goes onto great things in life? Maybe I'll meet someone and change their life in a way I never even realised. Maybe, just maybe my career is part of who and what I am and links into a bigger picture.
I think yesterday an unhealthy mix of too much coffee (I never normally drink the stuff), a pile of kids homework, lack of sleep and being shut up in my room resulted in me getting stir crazy and a little emotional over stupid. Really stupid things like reading that another 3 famous people have gotten engaged, another four of my friends have gotten engaged, that two of my friends have announced that they are expecting, and another friend is moving in with her boyfriend. chinese_lily and I were discussing how (we're both in relationships of about the same length *yay*) when you are younger you never notice how people are always having babies, getting engaged or married and how life seems to catch up with you. Now all of a sudden it's like my brain has kicked into overgear and I'm not just thinking about my career and moving out but I'm thinking about children, homes, my future, where I want to live, where do I want to get married, what I want at my wedding, what baby names I like.... I mean.... ahhhhh!
Technically I am at an advantage with the Boy seeing as thanks to match.com we technically covered a lot of these bases through the questionnaire. We both want at least 3 kids, we'd both like to design or build our own home, we both want good careers and financially stable lives before we have children, we both want to travel, we both like pets (though he is a dog person and I am a cat person) and so on.
So what is this ramble telling me? It's basically telling me that I am growing up and that there are going to be days when I feel like the whole world has caught up with me but I'm not the only one feeling this. I wouldn't trade my life for the glitz and glamour of being famous because I don't think I'd ever be happy. At least being me, living my life I know I make a difference, however tiny and occasionally insignificant it may be. And one day I'll get the house, car, white picket fence, three kids and a mortage but it'll be on my terms.
Yeah sure the key points of the script might have been written for me but I'm sure as hell going to make sure I feel the improv parts with as much love, laughter, tears and every other emotion under the sun.... my way.
Ramble under the cut on life and everything inbetween. Blame the snow and another snowday!
I totally agree.
Somedays I feel like I'm living my life in a epic movie, where the spotlight is focused on me and I know exactly what is going on (pretty much) and things seem to work out in the end despite it all. Other days I'm in one of those budget movies that never quite makes it to the big screen but might just make it onto a directors' receptionists-PAs-assistants desk before being discarded. Spending most of my time wondering why everyone else knows the punchline but me, but I guess that's the point. The script is only partly written we just get to improv the bits inbetween. I know the ending.... I know I'll die but it's the when, the where, the how, with who and why that I don't know.
It may sound stupid but of late I've been thinking about exactly what will happen in my 'life movie' because truth be told I'm getting worried it's going to be the same as every other budget cut movie/life out there. As Mark 'Rent-Boy' Renton says in Trainspotting: Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future.... Do I really honest to god want that?
If I could reinvent my whole life, wipe the slate clean or get a new identity would I? I guess there is a slim chance that I would take up an offer like that. I mean who wouldn't? You'd get the perfect everything wouldn't you and life would be pretty much handed to you on a platinum platter.
But then again maybe this is why I'm just your average joe, maybe I have a purpose that's greater than my dreams. Maybe I'll be the person who brings up a child who comes up with the cure for cancer? Maybe I'll be the mother of a child who goes onto great things in life? Maybe I'll meet someone and change their life in a way I never even realised. Maybe, just maybe my career is part of who and what I am and links into a bigger picture.
I think yesterday an unhealthy mix of too much coffee (I never normally drink the stuff), a pile of kids homework, lack of sleep and being shut up in my room resulted in me getting stir crazy and a little emotional over stupid. Really stupid things like reading that another 3 famous people have gotten engaged, another four of my friends have gotten engaged, that two of my friends have announced that they are expecting, and another friend is moving in with her boyfriend. chinese_lily and I were discussing how (we're both in relationships of about the same length *yay*) when you are younger you never notice how people are always having babies, getting engaged or married and how life seems to catch up with you. Now all of a sudden it's like my brain has kicked into overgear and I'm not just thinking about my career and moving out but I'm thinking about children, homes, my future, where I want to live, where do I want to get married, what I want at my wedding, what baby names I like.... I mean.... ahhhhh!
Technically I am at an advantage with the Boy seeing as thanks to match.com we technically covered a lot of these bases through the questionnaire. We both want at least 3 kids, we'd both like to design or build our own home, we both want good careers and financially stable lives before we have children, we both want to travel, we both like pets (though he is a dog person and I am a cat person) and so on.
So what is this ramble telling me? It's basically telling me that I am growing up and that there are going to be days when I feel like the whole world has caught up with me but I'm not the only one feeling this. I wouldn't trade my life for the glitz and glamour of being famous because I don't think I'd ever be happy. At least being me, living my life I know I make a difference, however tiny and occasionally insignificant it may be. And one day I'll get the house, car, white picket fence, three kids and a mortage but it'll be on my terms.
Yeah sure the key points of the script might have been written for me but I'm sure as hell going to make sure I feel the improv parts with as much love, laughter, tears and every other emotion under the sun.... my way.
Ramble under the cut on life and everything inbetween. Blame the snow and another snowday!