matt / jon / i hoped i'd never have to deal with this

[blondie2c7m]

Ahhhh I hate myself. Sometimes I just don't know what to DO. Today I called Matt to tell him the parade was cancelled (whoohoo!) so then he asked me if I was going to the Y today, and I was, so we were going to meet there and then go to lunch after. Weeeeell I got home and Mom and I got into a fight about my attitude or something and how I'm selfish and don't help out around the house enough blah blah blah. When we finally got over that, she and Dad decided I shouldn't go to lunch with Matt because Jon might not like it. I TRIED to explain that Matt and I are just friends and if we were hypothetically to see Jon I would just say, "Jon, this is my friend Matt. Matt, this is my boyfriend Jon." The end. Yay. But in the end, they had a good point because Jon doesn't know Matt and I've never explained the fact that we're friends and everything, so it would be kind of bad to just hang out w/ Matt and tell Jon about it later...so then I called Matt and explained the ISSUE, and he said, "oh yeah, that's a good point." And apparently he had forgotten I had a boyfriend, which I found kind of humorous, but that's beside the point. I then went on to say I was probably going to the Y at 10, so he said he could try to go at 10, and I said don't worry about it b/c I'd probably just be running anyway, but dude we could've played tennis or something so now I feel bad. And I felt like the biggest hypocrite EVER because when Matt was going out w/ Carrie, he told me he wasn't sure if we should hang out, like, alone anymore and I got kind of mad, but now I'm doing the SAME THING. Actually, it may seem that I'm doing the same thing, but really I just need to tell Jon about Matt and then it will be fine. If Jon ends up not wanting me to hang out with Matt, then I'll deal with it, but I really don't think he'll care. Then I was sitting here thinking about this time before Greg was going out with Kirsten back in the day and I was upset with Matt for the aforementioned reason, so I asked Greg if he would stop hanging out with me if he started going out with Kirsten. He was all no! what's wrong with you? why would I do that? and stuff, so this leads me to think I shouldn't have let my parents interfere with my thoughts on this issue...because originally I didn't think it was a big deal at all. I wouldn't even have said I was hanging out w/ Matt...I just said something about going to the Y and lunch after and Mom didn't ask who I was going with...but then I had to explain why I had to go at 11 and not 10.

I don't knooooow. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, and I think that if I randomly saw Jon with some girl I didn't know, I wouldn't be happy. But I felt like a piece of crap when Matt told me he didn't think he should hang out with me because of Carrie, so obviously I don't want to do the same thing, but at that time I couldn't see his point of view. Now I definitely can. I felt like he was basically saying she was more important than me, but now I think it's not a question of importance, just a difference in how you have to handle different relationships. And besides, all I'm saying is that I should talk to Jon first. I'm not going to be like, oh man, we can't be friends anymore. After all, if Jon explained to me that he was good friends with this girl and he wanted to keep hanging out with her, I'd be fine with that. Matt probably forgot about this whole thing two seconds after I called him...lol. I just hope that if he DOES care, he tells me and doesn't try to hide his emotions because he thinks emotions cloud your judgement...*sigh.* And Jon's probably grounded forever. Aw man, that's another thing I have to feel guilty about.

I think I'll just run in my neighborhood today and take a nap. I have a headache.

<3 Christie