(no subject)
i think i sabotage all of my relationships... not on purpose.. i think it just happens because i know exactly what i want.. or atleast who i want.. not my last one though.. i can't be blamed for him cheating on me.. it's guys like him that make me not want to try.. i want to be happy, i just don't think it's possible... i always find an excuse not to be.. i could be very happy.. there is a guy who has been in my heart for a very long time.. we've never dated; never even come close.. but i know that i could make him so happy.. even though i've had my heart broken more times than i can count, i am still open to the possibility of total bliss.. i'm tired of looking.. tired of waiting.. tired of giving everything i possibly can to make someone else happy.. i just want it to be my turn for once.. i want someone to want to make me happy.. happier than i ever felt in my life.. and if that sounds selfish then, i guess i am selfish.. i kinda deserve to be.. when it comes to relationships, i've been so giving, even when they don't deserve it.. and i'm just tired.. i want something more and i think i deserve it.. i don't want to lie in bed at night wondering if i'm ever going to find someone.. someone i can love who will love me the same way.. sometimes i think that it's just not in the cards for me.. and i might just be better off on my own.. i've always been independent when it comes to guys and i don't know if i can change at this point.. i've put up so many barriers around my heart that i don't know if they can ever be torn down.. no matter how much i them to.. i think i might be a lost cause.............................