Well....
Here i come. I am going to write an emotional, in depth entry. But this time I will give you a choice. Below i will write my girly, superficial section. Under that will be the link to the really deep stuff. Click on it if you dare. You've been warned.
Okay. Heres the lighter-hearted stuff first...
I joined the Hospitality Team at youth group, which means i go two hours early and do vacuuming, window washing, setting up, etc. I enjoyed it actually. I think I also found a new small group, since my old one broke up. I'll check it out this sunday.
Anyhow.
We finished at like 6:15, and i was hungry. So i walked across the street and bought snack. I came back, sat down by the door and just ate. There was a group of like 5 guyz in the foyer. It was interesting to watch them. A girl walks in and sits down. They all glance over. The girl makes eye contact with one. They take that as an invitation to form a semi circle around her. She feels cornered. They talk for a minute, the girl trying not to feel suffocated. Eventually they silently communicate which one of them will be pursuing this girl, and the rest of them disperse.
LOL well thats my analyzation. (Sp) Anyway, eventually this one guy, Roger, sat next to me, shared my Doritos, and we talked for a while. He said he liked my hair. I said i liked his shoes. We talked about music. I get up to go to the bathroom. I come back and hes waiting for me. *cringes slightly* I sit back down. We have small talk. He talks about his lifes problems. I sympathize. We talk about spongebob square pants. He askes me out.
WOAH. REWIND. Yeh he asked me out. I thought he was cool enough, sweet, polite...but i wasn't ready for that. I said "Umm..hmm..well maybe, but u know i just met you so..." "Oh, well we could go with some other people too..." *hesitates*...*gives some kind of vague oh-yeh-maybe-sometime answer*
Hey, im all for being friend with him. I just don't wanna jump into dating someone that quickly, understandably. Oh and AFTER i half-turned him down, he offered me his jacket. =) It IS cold tho. We were sitting on the floor near the open door, and its about 50 degrees and windy out. So i was very grateful...
So yeh, thats my girly entry. The light-heartedness ends here. Procceed with caution...
Okay. *deep breath* I haven't told many people this. And if i have i've never told the whole story. And i still won't. But my dad has/is abusive. Verbally, emotionaly, physically even. Now, if ur a family friend, plz don't judge me or my family, and pleeeez don't tell. OKAY? Please you guyz.
Anyhow, at Youth Group the subject was relationships with your parents. At the beginning they showed clips of different movies, such as "Mrs. Doubtfire" (in the begininng when the parents are arguing) "Hope Floats" etc. Really touching, real to life stuff. And i started tearing up, so much of it applied to me. Then Pastor Nick started talking....saying stuff like "Maybe this applies to you." "Maybe your hurt, maybe you feel uhwhole, maybe you need healing" and i couldn't take it. I ran out crying. I stayed out in the hall a few minutes getting myself under of control. When i got my composure back i went back inside. I managed to keep myself in check during the rest of the sermon.
At the end he invited anyone who needed healing to come to the altar and talk to God about it, or go into the prayer room. I went down, i found a dark corner on the steps and just cried. People around me were praying. But i couldnt manage it. I just cried. And kept crying and crying. I couldn't stop. It was like all the brokeness of the last few years was pouring out all at once. I really didn't cry much over the years. It had built up over time and it was like something cracked ant it all spilled out. I wanted to pray...but all i could get out was "Oh God Oh God..." I felt like I'd go on crying forever. My mind wandered over all the times my heart had been battered. I'd never realized how much it had hurt...i had always tried to push it out of my mind. But i had lost my grip and it all came back and enveloped me.
I cried for maybe 30 minutes straight. But after a while i could feel my tears changing. They weren't as hopeless. I was slowly, slowly starting to sense Jesus putting his arms around me. It was unreal. Because my dad had never touched me except in a hurtful way...its always been hard for me to believe Jesus...to accept His love, to believe he won't break his promises the way my Dad has done. But i could feel myself being comforted. I eventually stopped crying and just was silent. I could've stayed there forever. The ampitheater for youth group is like my shelter. I feel so safe and loved there. I didn't want to leave. But i had to. So i got up, washed my face in the restroom, and walked out. I was kinda in autopilot until i got home. But now i realize i feel peace. My heart was wounded and festering. The pain has always been there. I hid it, tried to cover it up, lied about it, avoided it, tried to find comfort in other things. But tonight it finally caught up with me. I met it face to face. It was terrifying. But Jesus carried me through. It may sound cheesy. But theres a reason why cliches are repeated so much. They're usually true. And its true. Jesus brought me thru one of the hardest few moments of my life so far. I praise him...i love him in a whole new way now. He reminded me over and over again the verse "I am near to those with a broken heart." He was. HE WAS. HE WAS!!!!!
Praise God. I am not turning into a "HALLELUJAH" shouting preachers daughter. Don't run away. No wait, come back. I am a very real person and i love God in a very real, honest way. I am not going religious. Im just falling in love with Jesus more and more.
Well im tired, my eyes are sore, i need to sleep. Thanks for reading. Leave comments if you love me.
Keep Jesus freakin...