It's been a long time coming for this..
Well, this is my first public entry basically ever on this Livejournal. For those who know me, they know that I've had two Livejournals, but always keeping them friends only. I've always been a little wary about what I've put into here.. what I've decided to be open about. The truth of the matter is that even when I did have this as friends only, I never opened up, I never dared to state my feelings or fears or emotions or anything. I was scared that even though these people are my "friends," that they would not accept what I was thinking, that I was in fact alone in what I was thinking and feeling. However, I feel that with the new year coming upon us, that I had to start anew, to try to make amends and try to find out what makes me 'me.' And if people do not want to accept me for what I think and how I feel, then I've realized that I just have to move on and let go. To those who know me, I may seem like I am always happy, always hyper. The truth of the matter is that I am a normal person, like anyone else that you would meet. Yes, I do have my happy and 'hyper' moments, but that is due to the fact that I want attention. More importantly, I would rather make other people around me happy first rather than myself. I have ALWAYS put others' needs in front of my own. I have been constantly hurt in my life due to this, and my forgiving nature. To the few that know everything about me, ninety-nine percent of the people in my life have hurt me one way or another, including those that claimed to 'love' me. The only person to ever truly care about me and want the best for me was my grandmother, and she passed away a few years ago. She was my rock, the force to be reckoned with if anyone ever hurt me. She was my shoulder to cry on, or my friend to just talk to. Even to this day, I still think about her every day, and when I pray, I pray that she is looking down on me still, still protecting me. Even when I was sick and needed the surgeries that I did, she was there. And then she was gone. I thought that I had people there to help me, to love me, to show me the way to move on. But time and time again, these 'loved' ones let me down. They hurt me in ways I never thought were possible. My best 'friend,' my other rock, I thought she would always be there. We always talked about how we'd grow old together, how no one ever would come between us. Yes, throughout middle and high school we fought like no other. I thought that it was because we were so much alike that it was inevitable. However, I had come to convince myself of that because I didn't want to admit the truth: she constantly would hurt me. Yes, sometimes they were the stupidest of things that she did. But I always forgave her. Even in our senior year of high school, through our toughest fight up until that point (five or six months long), I forgave her. I remember that day. It was her birthday, and even though we were fighting, I walked up to her, said 'happy birthday,' gave her the card I made for her, and walked away. Within days, we were friends again. We had our weird moments, like me dating one of her ex's and then accidentally dating Grant and then find out later on after that she had dated him during one of our fights. We got through that. I was young, and I told her that I had been stupid to date Bill, the first ex. Through our freshman year of college, we constantly talked. Everyone at school knew of 'Twinnie,' and how much I loved her. I even went to visit her at school that year. She did not return the favor. Then we came home for summer and that's when things began to change. We of course still hung out more than ever, but I was growing apart from her. I was making new friends, because I had decided to commute for this year and I wanted to make and keep more friends from around our hometown area. I could tell she didn't like this but I continued to do so. At the time, I was dating Chris, the guy I thought was the love of my life. The first person since my grandmother that I had fully opened up to, felt safe and loved with. Drama started and I thought she was there for me. She wasn't. She took Chris' side, when everyone knew that I had no part in the trouble. Chris and I broke up, and I thought that it was a basic rule not to go after or talk to my ex. I was wrong. They continued talking and at first I was upset. Then, I became okay with it. I knew they were talking, but I didn't ask anymore because they were just friends at that time. I came to know that she is now dating Chris, and has been for the past month and a half. Yes, it angered me a little to know that she was dating him. But it hurt soo bad to know that she did not tell me.. that I had to find out from another source that it was true. I tried to talk to her about it, and we fought. Now, we are not friends. This makes me extremely sad, and if you are reading this, I do still love you. You were my twinnie, my best friend. But the time has come to move on.. to grow apart and not be hurt by you anymore. I realize that you didn't realize the consequences of your choices, but I cannot take it anymore. Then, there was my other best friend. I knew her since our first day in high school, when she was a new student and I, being the kind person that I am, talked to her and tried to make friends. She was really shy, but I got her to open up to me after a time. I helped her in classes, I grew to cherish our friendship. Then she started dating someone and I did not hear from her for months at a time. I would call her once a month, every month for two years, to leave her a message. To tell her that I loved her still and that I was always there for her, since I knew that she had a bad past. This past May, she finally let me back in. We bonded once again, and our friendship seemed renewed. I had forgiven her for the pain she had caused me. We spent most of the summer together. I even took her up to New York to visit Chris with me. Then it happened. I found out from Chris that she was making moves on him. I didn't believe it at first. How could I? My best friend. But then I finally told her I knew and she blamed him. I forgave her and told her to stop talking to him and that all would be forgiven. Soon, I found out that she was not only talking with him, but had sex with him. We had just broken up a few days earlier. Now, I hold him responsible too, believe me I do. But I felt sooo betrayed. But she told me that she would not talk to him again, and I forgave her. Then she started talking to all sorts of guys, and then I was no more. She said she didn't trust herself, that's why she couldn't talk to me a lot anymore. I knew that that was a lie. But oh well. Eventually, I got tired of the games, and about a month ago, I told her that I could not deal with the pain anymore. I cannot be friends with her anymore. She owes me money and I have her fan. Once that is done, I'm sad to say we will not speak anymore. If you are reading this also, I love you too. You got me to explore myself and what I want. You are the reason why I am able to write this and open up to people and know that it is time to move on from relationships and friendships that have hurt me.
Just with those two people alone, this past year has been utterly unbearable. I cried myself to sleep at times. I will not make mention of my relationship with Chris in here, because it is too hard. Those that know me know that it tore me apart because of my trust issues that I had and now have. If you want to know the full story with the two of us, I will tell you in person. I did love him. I will always care for him and will always be there for him, if he ever would need me. I know that he will not, for he is a strong person. He hurt me more than anyone ever would or will, but I forgave him for that. That is the end of that chapter.
Then there is my health. As many of you may know, I have more medical conditions wrong with me than anyone else you will ever meet. I have had three surgeries, numerous hospital visits and just a list of conditions. And as many of you know, I don't take the medication that I am supposed to. Many of you oppose this decision; I can see your viewpoint. But I don't want to take the medication. I am not stubborn about being 'silly.' It is just my choice. Either accept it or ask me to explain it, and I will. Currently, I am dealing also with something that is wrong with my leg. I do not know what's wrong with me, and I am trying to figure that out, but in due time. It is extremely painful, but I will survive. I do know that. There is a lot of pain and trouble in the future for both of these things, but who knows what will happen. Those that are my true friends will be there for me and I will survive.
School. What can we say about that? I cannot take it anymore. I am a 19 year old girl, working forty hours a week in order to make her own way, and I am going to school full-time. I am not doing very well in school at all, because of the leg pain and because I am just too tired to concentrate. I know that right now, I wish that school were not an option. I wish I could just go down south now and start anew. But I am strong, and I will make my way. For those of you that are concerned, thank you for thinking of me, but do not fret. I will overcome these obstacles. Yes, it will take time, but it something that has to be done.
Now, for those of you that think I'm depressed. This section is for you. Do not try to diagnose me. Do not tell me that you know what's wrong with me, or that I should do this, or that. I know what my options are. However, one thing that I will make clear: I am NOT depressed. I am upset at times, but who wouldn't with the obstacles that I have had to overcome this past year? This journal entry doesn't even start to talk about everything that has afflicted me. Do not tell me that I need to speak with someone. My way of dealing with things is to talk to a good friend or to just write. I love to write, and it is both a way for me to express myself and to unleash my frustrations. If you are upset that I do not speak to someone, then get over yourself or just don't talk to me anymore. I am a strong person. I know what I have to do,and I will work hard for my goals.
Some of you may not agree or like what I have written in here. But I just needed to get out what I am thinking and feeling. If you do not like it, then don't read it. Simple as that. These are just a few of the subjects that I am thinking and feeling. But I just want to thank those select few that have been there for me. You know who you are. You have been the only reason I do not give up on people, that I do not give up on love. You are my lifeline, and I love you. If anyone has a question or comment, leave them or IM me (peachykeen1386). Just don't ask me to listen to your views if you aren't willing to listen to mine. Thank you.
Just with those two people alone, this past year has been utterly unbearable. I cried myself to sleep at times. I will not make mention of my relationship with Chris in here, because it is too hard. Those that know me know that it tore me apart because of my trust issues that I had and now have. If you want to know the full story with the two of us, I will tell you in person. I did love him. I will always care for him and will always be there for him, if he ever would need me. I know that he will not, for he is a strong person. He hurt me more than anyone ever would or will, but I forgave him for that. That is the end of that chapter.
Then there is my health. As many of you may know, I have more medical conditions wrong with me than anyone else you will ever meet. I have had three surgeries, numerous hospital visits and just a list of conditions. And as many of you know, I don't take the medication that I am supposed to. Many of you oppose this decision; I can see your viewpoint. But I don't want to take the medication. I am not stubborn about being 'silly.' It is just my choice. Either accept it or ask me to explain it, and I will. Currently, I am dealing also with something that is wrong with my leg. I do not know what's wrong with me, and I am trying to figure that out, but in due time. It is extremely painful, but I will survive. I do know that. There is a lot of pain and trouble in the future for both of these things, but who knows what will happen. Those that are my true friends will be there for me and I will survive.
School. What can we say about that? I cannot take it anymore. I am a 19 year old girl, working forty hours a week in order to make her own way, and I am going to school full-time. I am not doing very well in school at all, because of the leg pain and because I am just too tired to concentrate. I know that right now, I wish that school were not an option. I wish I could just go down south now and start anew. But I am strong, and I will make my way. For those of you that are concerned, thank you for thinking of me, but do not fret. I will overcome these obstacles. Yes, it will take time, but it something that has to be done.
Now, for those of you that think I'm depressed. This section is for you. Do not try to diagnose me. Do not tell me that you know what's wrong with me, or that I should do this, or that. I know what my options are. However, one thing that I will make clear: I am NOT depressed. I am upset at times, but who wouldn't with the obstacles that I have had to overcome this past year? This journal entry doesn't even start to talk about everything that has afflicted me. Do not tell me that I need to speak with someone. My way of dealing with things is to talk to a good friend or to just write. I love to write, and it is both a way for me to express myself and to unleash my frustrations. If you are upset that I do not speak to someone, then get over yourself or just don't talk to me anymore. I am a strong person. I know what I have to do,and I will work hard for my goals.
Some of you may not agree or like what I have written in here. But I just needed to get out what I am thinking and feeling. If you do not like it, then don't read it. Simple as that. These are just a few of the subjects that I am thinking and feeling. But I just want to thank those select few that have been there for me. You know who you are. You have been the only reason I do not give up on people, that I do not give up on love. You are my lifeline, and I love you. If anyone has a question or comment, leave them or IM me (peachykeen1386). Just don't ask me to listen to your views if you aren't willing to listen to mine. Thank you.