Here we are again good ol' livejournal.

Sep 01, 2014 12:41





I have friends; awesome ones.
I have a roof over my head. Once I get the car fixed I will be getting a better one!

I have a car. Granted it doesn't work right now, but it will within the week.

I have a job that pays a salary that allows me to upgrade my standard of living to a comfortable one that includes going out and having a really good time at least once a week with said really awesome friends.

Why am I not happy? Not that one must always have shiny yummy fun time all the time or that those things listed above guarantee happiness... It is just lately I feel like I'd rather sleep than be alive. Then I feel tired because I sleep, so nothing gets done, so I stress and tell myself to take a nap for an hour to feel better only to end up sleeping for 4 when everything I needed to do is closed. I need to pick myself back up and get shit straightened out but it just doesn't feel like I can. I'm just so damn tired and the job is making me see more and more every day that I hate it. That shouldn't matter to most people as the job is just what they do to get money to pay for their fun stuffs. Well for me it is that but it is also more. To me it shows my success as a person. I spent years trying to get here and sometimes I look back and have to honestly say, "this is it?" It is also how I keep my head just enough above water to be a functioning adult. Without it I go back to being just another schmo on minimum wage wondering if he'll make enough to pay for rent and food this week. It is literally my lifeline; and I hate it.

It will get better once shows start rolling in again but right now I'd rather stab myself in the eye than go there. I've been able to communicate to my new Manager that "the show" is where I thrive. I just don't know how well that is going to go over with my Director and GM. Here's hoping I get shit straight before I get fired. Maybe that is what it is; I always feel like I am about to get fired because I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I always have 400 things that I want to get done, I ask directors (because at the time we didn't have a manager) about them and they say, "Good, go do those." Then once I start getting things about halfway done with any singular project they say, "Why are you doing that? Didn't you know I wanted this done first? And what about this other thing that you were supposed to read my mind about?" Fuck I hope this manager guy helps because I am sick and tired of being shot down or turned loose in to what amounts to a void. I have so much energy and ability to work hard for these people. I feel GOOD when I've worked hard and shows come in and out. I just need some direction and my directors have got 40 million other things to do instead so I am left floundering. I'm left feeling like I am adrift in space, flailing my arms about trying to swim against nothing, getting nowhere, and running out of oxygen.
I've honestly never had a panic attack, but I came really close while writing this entry. I really am entertaining the idea of getting a job with FELD, going on tour, and just leaving this place behind me. I'll miss the people I know and love here but I feel like the job is turning me further into someone that I don't like because of the stress and the stupidity. I probably don't need a change that drastic, but I do need a change
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